I have this backlog of writing
that I should post, but that I
also don't really like anymore.
I sat here at the kitchen table
this morning, inspired to write
but ended up annoyed that I mostly
had to edit previous writing
filled with previously undigested
emotions.
Only a couple week left, until
my ex leave the home, until I
am all alone at home.
Today is a good example, everyone
is gone, I am home alone.
But there is still this lingering
wait, this discomfort.
A few friends are coming over
on Friday, we're planing a
Huachuma ceremony on the beach.
I am not really excited, it seems
like a lot of energy, and I'd
rather sit in my discomfort.
I am doing this more for them
then for me, and it's fine. It's
a beautiful group of people that
I want to cultivate some long
term friendship and business
relationship with them.
(Karate kid music is playing
in a loop in my head right now
and it's making my life quite
pathetic)
It's a strange transition, and
I am trying to work more, which
is almost working. When my ex
is around, I feel distracted,
I don't know how or where to
put my energy. I do have a bit
of saving anyhow, which makes
it okay for me to not work too
much lately. And I've also
fixed the water system, which
seems silly, but it will save
over 150$ / month on the power
bill. Seems like I will pay a
lot less in power this year!
As I will be managing everything
in the house now, I am a lot more
mindful of everything that
costs money. Turning off all
the light at all time, turning
off even the powerbars that leaks
some power at all time. I also
turn off all computer at night.
I started to learn about kilowatt per hour,
at 15 cents a kilowatt a 100 watt
light bulb running for 10 hours
cost 15 cents! I never bothered
to make the math until now. I
have access to the graph for my
usage now, so I can see exactly
how much I use in power.
I'm looking forward to be alone
for long stretch of time. I have
had the visit of a few of my
female friend. Then not being very
subtle about the possibility of
a 'us'. Me not being too subtle
about my desire to be celibate,
to be abstinent for a while. I am
not sure I am making the right
move, pushing people away, but
I really don't want to have to
deal with other humans at this time.
I've had my fair share of insanity,
I need to regroup, rebuilt myself
for a while. Bring everything under
one manageable reality. This is the
sensation I have now, with the house
being emptied, it feels more balanced,
less crowded. It's a lot more gentle,
liveable and calming. A few more big
pieces are coming out of the house
by the end of the month. Then I'll
move my studio office upstairs,
so my daughter has the whole studio.
