A business meeting a 1pm, I was invited to
come back later for my friend birthday. He
wanted to celebrate his birthday by offering
a sound healing journey. He and his partner
play together. She is on gongs and other
chimes and bowl, spread around the room,
while he play different drums, flutes,
shakers and synthesizers. His collection
of electronic instruments is phenomenal.
I go back home to plan for my already busy
weekend. Then I go to karate that night.
I had a good practice working with one
student on how she use her eye during the kata.
When you look at someone's eye you can see
their level of presence, I explain to her.
You can see if someone is really 'here' just
by looking at how they use their eyes.
I demonstrate the two state asking her
to observe my eye. She gets it, but
note that most people aren't really present
most of the time. This makes me smile,
a kid can see how unaware most people are
and can see it trough their eyes.
I then drive to my friend birthday offering.
Sound journey like that often starts with
some mind unrest but generally finish in a
deep meditation, and this journey was very
good for that. Another musician friend is
there with his laptop. He adds some layers
of sound to the journey from his laptop.
I feel unease as I'd rather not have
some computer connected to the setup.
I wonder about the effect of computer
'vibration' in the setup....
One of my meditation student is there
and she says with excitement that
they are starting back the meditation
circle. I am a bit surprised and in my
super busy schedule I feel unsure if I want
to commit to another event in my week.
I can see that she has been missing the
meditation circle and she is really excited
about starting it again. I want to support
her process but at the same time I would
also like to not be the element that makes
it or break it. I have been teaching,
holding space for meditation during over
two years and I am a bit drained. After
the sound journey I say that I'll try to
make it and that it's great they are starting
again and that my super busy schedule makes
it hard for me to commit.
A chocolate piece of cake later, I drive
back home to play a bit of synth on the
openmic of anonradio. I like my new setup
and I am getting comfortable with it!
When all my instrument are setup properly
it's so much easier to step into an
improvisation. I want to play more, but
I need to prep my gear for the weekend.
Martial art competition, I bring two
gis to make sure I look clean all day.
I am to judge not to participate, so
I'd rather look good. My music gear,
a synth, flute, drum, a few mics,
laptop, field recorder, zoom h6...
Lots of gear for two days!
The weekend was full packed even before
it started. I had planned to judge in a
martial art test then go over a friend
to play music, sleep over, then do a sound
healing journey recording and make a website
while doing some tech support.
Well part of the plan happened...
My wife and daughter planned to be in town
too and I felt like I should hang out with
them a bit. They were sleeping at a friend's
place and I ask my wife if I should plan
to sleep there instead. She said yes, and
I told her I would hope she wouldn't send
me to the couch, if not I could simply go
to my friend as planned. She was positive
she won't send me to the couch. She has
a very light sleep and I have a very
heavy sleep filled with snoring sometime.
Saturday waking up at 6am, prep, grab a bite
at the cafe before the ferry, eat on the ferry,
I stop at our friend place to drop some of my
musical gear and recording equipment, to
make it on time for the martial art competition.
I showed up an met with the organizer. It's
a bigger gym this time, but only 3 rings,
the black belt won't fight this time around.
I met with another karate black belt, and
we practice a kata that I don't remember
well. I feel already inadequate in front
of an audience of parents and other observers.
We meet with the organizer who select the judge.
As we are more helper than what is needed,
4 judges for the kata, and 5 judge for the
sparing, I get left out of the 2 selections.
I come out of the 'change/meeting room'
and roam around a bit. The judge take their
places. I don't know anyone, the only people
I know are in the judge group. I feel
uncomfortable. I hide in plain sight. I feel
stupid, fat, bald, in an oversized karate
costume. I feel inadequate and I decide to
just leave. I don't tell my teacher, I
don't tell the organizer, I don't want
to sound petty, I don't want to show
my emotions. The don't need my help
and I don't feel like standing around
all day, useless and wandering. I change
quickly, and wait for the competition
to start to sneak out.
All was fine, but it did create a bit
of an emotional turmoil in me. I wanted
to justify my 'running away' as if it
was a bad thing. Would they be mad at me?
I wasn't paid or anything, this was all
volunteer. I wasn't needed so I left.
Should I be mad? I had to wake up at 6
and drive for a hour all the way to the
gym. I could justify my sneaking out
with the idea that I wasn't respected?
But I didn't either, I didn't need
to be offended. I didn't need to feel
like I've offended anyone. That was
all inside dialog, and if I changed
perspective, it was all fine. But still
I had a lingering feeling of loss. For
a moment I lost my cool and ran away.
I could have simply said 'Hey, it
doesn't look like you need me today,
my family is in town so I'll go hang
out with them.'
I'm surprised how small events like
that can destabilize me. It took me
a moment, and then I texted my teacher,
'I left the competition as it didn't
seems I was needed, have a good day'
I texted the organizer with a similar
message, with an added, 'I suck out
as I didn't want to bother you about
this'. And that felt fine. A couple
hours later, everything was fine in
my head and I was wondering why it
became such an emotional moment.
Coming to the house where my wife
was staying for the weekend, something
else needed to happen. There might
be no reason, but the reason I left
the martial art competition became
clear, we needed to talk about our
couple, our love for each other
and our next steps. It went pretty
deep in the exploration of what it
would mean if we would separate.
Who would take care of our daughter,
why would we separate and if that
would even make sense.
It's a strange thing to talk about
separation or divorce. We're not at
that stage really. We can say that
we are good friend who had a baby girl.
We're not passionately in love with
each other, but there are some foundation
that are the same between her and I.
We question openly if we would be
happier with someone else. She would
love someone more outdoorsy, and she
know I'd love someone more artsy,
passionate and sexual.
At the same time, we've been very
close to each other. Traveling in Europe
for a whole year, in the same bed, in the
same room, every hour of every day. We
also both worked from home for many, many
years, eating breakfast, lunch and dinner
together! I don't know many couples that
spend so much time together without
tearing each others head.
I hear it so many time, 'I love
my wife, but thank God for my busy
work away from the family.' Or something
in the same vein. I've seen many couple
end their relation during COVID where they
had to be together for an extended period
of time. But not us. We're cool with each
other. Might be the lack of passion that
makes it fine...
But still we question. Would we feel
more fulfilled with someone else in our
life? I am not even sure I'd like to be
in a couple if it wasn't for raising a kid.
I'd be a monk? Or a traveling artist?
A mix of both? I've always been fully happy
even when I was single. Or let say, I'm always
happy, so when I'm single it's even easier.
So, lots of crying, lots of deep conversations,
lots of emotional release. It was really needed
and good. I expressed how I feel when she is
depressed and I feel like I'm the problem in
her life. I re-affirmed that if I was the problem
we should find a way to end this, and she clearly
stated that she feels bad to be so depressed
all the time and that I am really not the
issue there. I'm happy to be there for
her, while she figure out her shit.
She bought me a bottle of Castor oil. It's a new
brand and I search online about the toxicity of
the oil. I know that the Castor seed contain
Ricin, which is a very lethal poison. But I
also know that a previous brand of Castor oil
stated that they removed that toxicity. It's
getting really hard to find the right information
online. Everyone wants to sell you something,
or scare you about something else, while other
sing the glory of a product. I just want to
know if castor oil can be toxic. I still couldn't
find the information but there was something about
when you extract the oil from the see, the way
you do it destroy the Ricin in there. In
any case, I'll do more research later, right
now I need to massage my leg. I read that
eating the Castor oil is also a tonic which
helps digestion. I decided not to start drinking
in a few hours before going to the restaurant.
After that roller coaster of emotions we
made love and then went for a fancy diner,
where I had a few drink of mescal, my new
favourite drink.
Mescal is made from blue agave plant too. It's
very similar to tequila, but has this
more, almost mystical, element to it. It's
somewhat associated with Mescalito, or the
spirit of Huachuma.
(Huachuman === San Pedro === Cactus with
Mescaline in it === Mescalito ?== Mescal drink??)
One brand of Mescal do have a worm at the bottom
of the bottle, said to be fed on a San Pedro
cactus... Not sure about the whole story, and
even if the worm was filled with cactus, the
amount of 'psychedelic' substance would be minimal...
We went back home, my wife was really tired,
we went to bed, she wasn't comfortable with me
in the bed, so I ended up sleeping in the couch.
I mentioned that I clearly asked her that
if I end up sleeping in the couch, I'd rather
go to my friend place (the have a comfy guest
room.) She felt bad. I didn't care but wanted
to mention it. She couldn't sleep because of
it, but when she came in the living room where
I was sleeping in the couch, I was snoring
deeply asleep. She felt better and finally
went to sleep. It was strangely symbolic of
our relationship. I express myself, she feels
bad about how I 'react' then she realize
even if I express myself I'm fine, then
she can relax.
The next morning felt good. I was to go play
music and record a sound journey. I packed my
gear, had a quick bite, and drove to my friends
place. Without looking at the map or checking
the address, I wanted to drive there to see if
I remembered everything. Which I did.
I showed up to my friend's place. I apologized
that she got put in second place in this weekend
that we planned a couple weeks ago. She was
annoyed but thankful that I recognized that
this was the case. I shared some of what happened
in the previous 24 hours, which helps opening
our 'emotional body'. She shared some of her
experience in a couple and how when you state
clearly where you are it makes thing easier,
when you talk about the real stuff it's easier
for both part of the couple to support each
other.
She is a sound healer, and she has a massive
setup of bowls and chimes and gongs. It's really
hard to imagine what it's all about until you
experience it. It's not really 'musical' nothing
really happens during a 'journey', yet something
really profound happens most of the time.
I setup my recording gear, the fake client
shows up. We decided to have a person in
the session, although it would create more
noise, it would also help focus the treatment
toward someone. I used a couple zoom h6, although
they are noisy, I like to have them around in
case my main recorder (fostex) doesn't catch
some part of the recording, I could merge
them with a part of the h6 recording.
I had a quick chat about dream yoga, death
and re-incarnation with the client. Did I
tell you before how I don't do small talk?
Or my type of small talk is always around altered
state and out of body experience?
The meditation that came from the journey
was pretty profound. I realized that I also
use some tools for sound healing, but the tool
I prefer are more organic.
From our own body:
Breath, whisteling, humming, chanting.
Clapping, finger snap,
First layer of complexity
Didgeredoo (simple wooden tube)
Fish drum (a piece of wood carve in a certain way)
Flute (one piece of bamboo, with holes)
Drum (skin on a wood frame, mostly handmade)
Second layer of complexity
Metal resonating instrument
One element but with some tooling required)
Gongs and plates and chimes
Very simple composition but creates
a very wide range of tonality
String and wind instrument aren't
use much in this 'renaissance' of
sound healing but would fit within
this layer of complexity. When studying
classical Indian music, I realized
that the Sitar purpose wasn't only
'musical' but also a healing tool
connecting the Gods and Goddesses realm
to the human realm.
Moving up the complexity you'd
find the keyboard, then finally
the analog synth.
Digital synth would be the top of
complexity, but I am questioning the
healing quality of the digital sound
as the vibration isn't purely analogue.
I've been questioning the vibrational
effect that computer and CPU has on
our life and want to research more about
analogue computer... I am helping a co-worker
to transition out of his work due to his
Parkinson, and when I see him working
on the computer and slowly jittering
into a Parkinson crisis, I can't help but
feeling that tremor, that vibration that
comes from the digital tool we use
to infect his body. How deep of an effect
are computer, cpu and vibration in our
life? At the end of the day, computer
are composed of electricity resonating
a silicone crystal, what is the effect of
that vibration. Is there a connection
between that vibration and my desire to
de-digitize my life?
After the recording we have a deep conversation
about my observation of the complexity of the
sound healing tools and how she mostly use
metal tool, while I prefer the organic tool
and the analog synth.
During the recording I also observe all the
modulation which happens on a gong. When you
don't strike the gong but rub a rubbery mallet
on it, with a very slow attach a sound is
created. But then the movement of the gong add
some chorus style effect, the tone is also affected
but the fading out lfo, and the envelop is
also wavering... I take a few note in order to
try to emulate that on my Mopho.
We then set out for some food, ferment and broth
to the menu as a solid foundation for life. We
have a bit of tobacco and then move toward
her main web project.
The afternoon is interlaced with bit-currency
update of device firmware and software. But the
focus was on her 2 web project. One of which is
her business website. A couple bios, photos,
scheduling/booking tools, calendar of events,
done.
The second project is about creating community
online. I see the importance of the project but
I try to dig deeper on the why and the how.
Why would people be interested in this project,
and how would she retain them to this project.
We talk and share, I try to find a strategy.
Newsletter are too impersonal, socials network
is too toxic. Telegram groups are too noisy...
What is the purpose, what is the glue that
will bring it all together. And then it hits me.
This is not about a website. This is about
community. The community has to come first
and the website would simply be a tool for
its members. I invite her to lead 'meetings'
but more of a circle, a ceremony, over zoom,
a place for practitioner to share, to talk,
to heal. It hits hard, it make sense, it
was the solution she was waiting for. This
sense of belonging. I've always been amazed
on how this friend is connected to so many
people all around the world. I am not sure
what they are, but there are some people who
just find the people, their people. And they
create a web of people they know and care
for. When we travel we stop at the most random
place, and says "You have to meet this guy".
Of course 'this guy's shop' is closed but
she calls him and he gladly opens the shop for
her, and I meet 'the guys' who is indeed
unique, special, highly intelligent and
really present and aware (you can see it
in his eyes).
So this website although being at the center
of this 'work meeting' is only a symbol of the
web of connections she wanted to maintained,
she wanted to connect all these people together
and this is her way to do so. I am not sure of
the viability of this initial project and she
also knows that this is a first round, an inception
of an idea and a practice ground for a bigger
fuller project. So we are definitely on the same
page for this.
It's a nice conclusion to a very full 48 hours!
I pack my music gear (I never played after all)
We schedule a future meeting were we will definitely
jam together (we haven't jam yet!!) we hug, and
I drive back to town, order a couple burrito for
my daughter and I, grab a bottle of Mexcal at the
liquor store and drive back on the ferry watching
a movie, finally relaxing for a bit.
