Meditation book
Book writing is going well. I started the
design to also help with the quantity of
text I want to put for each parts. Since
I can design while I write, I though it
could be an interesting way to go about it.
Most writer don't design their book, but I
have the opportunity of doing so.
I write in vim, while I design in scribus.
Scribus has been a solid tool with which I've
design many books over the years. But it's
the first book I design from my own writing.
Typewriter
I really don't want to write on my typewriter.
It scares me. What wants to come out is trauma
and deep fear. I don't know how to approach it.
I got used to write poetry on the computer and
I like the process a lot. A first draft of what
I want to express, and then going back to the
rhythm and structure, like a scupltor.
I can't do that on the typewriter. I also
write in French on the typewriter... I got a
book from another gopher hole about typewriter
art, I think I might do a bit of that instead
of writing. Might be less dangerous.
gopher://triapule.cz/1/surr
Back health
I hurt my back in Yoga. Fortunately, doing
karate helps me heal! But I can't kick really
high with my left leg now. The pain is in the
right part of the back though.
Hurting my back in a stretch seems to be
opening something up.
Panic attack
I've had a few panic attack lately. A few years
ago I had a pulmonary embolism. A blog cloth
got caught in both of my lungs. It wasn't
painful but just a weird sensation, heart racing,
out of breath, it was strange. So now my mind
has a lot more to tool with when in a panic attack...
It's hard to calm myself down when my mind is
really going at it.
I'm mentally unstable too. The panic attack
are just an effect of that. I have a hard time
taking it easy. I should probably take some herbs
or tea to bring about some relaxation. I lack a
lot of drive, and as I am self employed, it has
quite a rapid effect on the money aspect of my
life. When I was working in an office, I remember
going weeks without much production. Dodging
the work, and then getting everything done in
a few days. That doesn't work anymore... It's
fine though I've learned to extend my deadlines
when I feel not quite right. Something I would
quote for a couple weeks, I now push it to a month
timeline. Clients are happy, and I can self manage
my energy. The bank account suffer though...
No wonder about the back pain.
Playing the Shakuachi before bed has been
helping in the last couple nights. Tonight
everyone is asleep, I won't be able to play.
Addiction
I wonder about motivation and how to bring
that back. I've been back on my porn addiction
although a lot less severe than the last few
years, it's creeping in, chipping away my
energy, or so it seems. I am not sure anymore
what is more important. Sexuality seems to
be playing a huge role in my creativity and
general mood. Judging my habits seems to
make it worst.
Feeling bad about not being able to stop a
habit might be worst than just going on and
not worrying about it. It seems so simple,
but a lot of other habits are attached to it.
It's really hitting a nerve.
For years I'd rather wanted to be low energy
and able to cope with everything, than cultivating
a lot of energy and being on a more intense
level of life. I've been fully celibate for
months at time (even in my dream I would restrain
from looking or thinking about sex!) which often
created really positive and intense situation.
But with a lot of potential, it's also quite
hard to manage all that energy...
Stupidily, I got triggered today by checking
4chan.org. It's pretty much the only surface
website I check from time to time. It's real
trash but at least it's entertaining. But it's
an easy trigger for me. It doesn't take much
a few images, a small clip, and then the possibility
is in me. It resonate, it bothers me, it makes me
slugish. I can't work as well anymore. I go
for a walk and it still bites at me. And then
I allow myself to think that there is only
one way to move on... and I'm stuck with that..
wasting my energy... then I feel slugish.
I don't have much of the mental talk I used to
have anymore. What is done is done and I move on.
At least. Well apart now I'm writing about it
as if I commited murder or something...
The important part for me when struggling
with an addiction is to keep on stopping.
It's not a one time deal, but a continuation
to commit to stoping. It's the first time of my
life that I write about this semi-publicly.
I feel ashamed, little, weak, sad, alone.
But I like feeling emotions when I write.
