Title: Peace in the Mind
Date: 2022-04-07
Written On: BBEdit on 2009 MacBook (MacOS 10.6.8)
Mood: Anxiety-fueled
Listening To: Nothing but ambient sounds
I'm once again sitting up in bed as I try to get my head out of its brain
fog, feeling absolutely exhausted. Most of it comes from chronic anxiety, which
itself came from a combination of my time on social media, and just how chaotic
my life has always been. It was only recently that I really started to get any
"downtime" so to speak, and as such, I don't think I actually know how to relax
in any sense of the word.
Ever since my grandfather passed away about a year ago, things have been
mostly quiet at home. Prior to that, there was always something going on,
whether that be a family/medical emergency, or just an event of sorts that my
extended family was going through. Now that I've lost both of my grandparents
and my mother, I'm just kinda..._here_.
I haven't really been able to focus in the silence that I've been left with,
and that worries me. It's not even a _lonely_ silence, so much as a lingering
ominous silence that just never really leaves. It's like I'm now always on
alert for something to go wrong, but left both relieved that things are quiet,
and disappointed that nothing has happened.
Maybe I'll feel better with a better diet. Since my grandfather's death, I've
let myself fall into my uncle's diet habits: meat and potatoes, and little else
that's healthy. Tonight, I'm making myself a chicken-veggie stirfry with some
broccoli, baby corn, onions, peppers, and brown rice noodles. Something that
isn't just protein and empty carbs. I just hope it helps, even a bit.
