There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to
live
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits
The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain
There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck
Norris 3. Cancer
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls
Chuck Norris is my Homeboy
Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING
Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the
speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was
flying over the Pacific Ocean
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn
needs to lie down
Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a
hammer and take a shotgun blast standing
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It
failed miserably
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern
Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being
bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred
vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly
kicked through a car windshield
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're
all poisonous
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til."
After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" the roundhouse kicks you in the face
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a
picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to
pay taxes, ever
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with
eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear
CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans
with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows
to live
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45
minutes having sex with his waitress
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they
died? His shoe
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter
comes straight out
Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped
people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris
and that you will be handicapped if you park there
Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the
Magnolia
Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker:
Texas Chain Saw Massacre
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse
kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you
in the face
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games
of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On
July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere,
streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An
embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best
way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake
anyone has ever made
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once
swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet
tall and had learned karate
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to
leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's
warm-up exercises
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty
principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will
roundhouse-kick you in the face
In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that
wine into beer
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades
from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What
The Hell was That?"
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes
in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was
discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked
him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking
Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths
The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because
a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in
one turn
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to
kill you, including the room itself
According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears"
has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American
Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the
face
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead
requests a hand gun and a bucket
There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?"
contest. Chuck Norris won by 5
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard,
which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged
by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him
written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious
roundhouse-kick related injuries
Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year
When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the
phone and money falls out
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was
a stripper in it
Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs
Hence, snakes
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to
different shades of black and blue
When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was
10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's
Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled
with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution
in 16 states
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets
Chuck Norris
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is
roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
Chuck Norris' house has no doors, only walls that he walks through
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All
of it
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of
fear
In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than
the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia
for 44 minutes
Chuck Norris can divide by zero
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been
there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears
A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is
an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck
Norris roundhouse kick
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French
surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium
Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became
apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his
autobiography
When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies
When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris
kills a ninja, he uses every part
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that
can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris,
each testicle is larger than the other one
Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego
When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score
over 8000
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of
visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink
When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse
kick to the face
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World
Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy
card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown
into the sun
Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that
nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe
Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own
rage
Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236
It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as
that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building
If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate
zero results. It just doesn't happen
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he
roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other
nine faint
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with
Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the
island to retrieve the footage
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes
You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life?
In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill
you
Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in
his way
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris
Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in
Oklahoma
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany
When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks
through them
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon
reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so
he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer
Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified
that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its
decendents now have white hair
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won
It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him
destroy an orphanage
Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate
tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant
instantly
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas
Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every
night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into
coal
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the
Earth down
Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and
football-- in that order
A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by
God pissing his pants
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to
drop them with one round house kick to the face
There is in fact an "I" in Norris, but there is no "team" -- not even close
Scotty in Star Trek often says "Ye cannae change the laws of physics." This is
untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists
Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes,
and sidewalks
Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ
Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their
entire existence from the space-time continuum
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a
dish best served cold
Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears"
is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door
Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008
Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when
Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris
simply walks across the pool floor
Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat
a path to his door
The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of
Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron's
ass halfway through the first chapter
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder
to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some
people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight
himself, he'd win. Period
Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls
everything around you
The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die
quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a
pedestrian
Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called
Chucktanium
The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris
decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of
Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of
his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after
Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his
first space expedition
Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself
to sleep
Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks
The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to
downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable
Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary
Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer
terror
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned
the sun up
A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart
disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion
due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin
Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day
Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No
one has DARED call him on it. Ever
Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask
permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this
is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since
1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place
Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back
Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up
just to be killed by Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his
Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way
The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one
knows because dead men tell no tales
Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children
Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a
roundhouse kick
Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly
retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking
Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck,
Hidden Norris"
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night
Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg
'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck
Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA
Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill
When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother
served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually
roundhouse kick you yesterday
Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three
men through the heart with it
In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American
Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research
Chuck Norris' favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse
When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds",
He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris
halloween costume he was wearing
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We
know this beverage as Red Bull
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks
So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he
may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat
If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris
If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and
every day he'd kick your ass
Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope,
as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris
doesn't run
MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can
roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is
Chuck Norris
What's known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn't use its
full name, which happens to be "Ultimate Fighting Championship,
Non-Chuck-Norris-Division"
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial
paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol
The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count
the rings
There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does
exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious
Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful
The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political
reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick
during TaeKwonDo practice
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom
The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"
Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his
day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic
Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris
doesn't like Fudge Ripple
When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it
On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to
life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang
to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was
just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away
Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck
Norris, he finds you
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink
Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and
punched the ground
It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father
The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes
the element of surprise
It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you
want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy
That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth
away from the path of a deadly asteroid
Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover
Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck
Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken
Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls
Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck
Norris prefers to kill in the dark
As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And
Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse
Colombia's infrastructure
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have
increased 13,000 percent
Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas
Ranger, on a routine patrol
Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move
It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris
roundhouse kick
Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray
Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time
Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs
toothpicks
Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck
Norris' personal chef
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or
dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He
always makes it to Oregon before you
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding
"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the
pile of dead ninjas in his front yard
Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck
Norris' fists is inside his own body
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants
Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the
dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn
Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with
fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to
limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of
the actors he fights
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he
turns into Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now
everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as
Giraffes
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy
your kidneys
Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be
possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris
roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand
Canyon is enough
Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped
around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel
If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses
you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your
pancreas
In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The
only difference is, then he kills people
Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris
Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off
course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke
across the Atlantic
Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck
Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one
would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long
Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards
Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and
eaten
Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two
needs: killing people and finding people to kill
The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget
it buddy!
For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he
stores his collection of human skulls
Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse
kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman
Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked
in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth,
stopping just short of the surface of Iraq
Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked
Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just
roundhouses any cars that get too close
Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming
electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound
How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
Just one. From Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is
The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in
Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might
be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case
When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders
If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock
In". The words "with his fists" are understood
Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn
eyes off
Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is
better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it
Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better
player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig
got off easy
The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck
Norris
Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris' basement"
The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck
Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space
by the naked eye
Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of
Siberian Tigers
He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris,
dies by the roundhouse kick
The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of
Chuck Norris come off without a hitch
The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a
movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off
Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he
single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career
Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye
protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face
Chuck Norris can taste lies
Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass
and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions
One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire
state of Ohio
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her
into a glacier
In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of
America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of
America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere
Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky
They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck Norris
kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him
Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house
Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the
first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a
mustache. And a head
4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most
problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths
Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes
The only sure things are Death and Taxes -- and when Chuck Norris goes to work
for the IRS, they'll be the same thing
Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors
With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his
drinking habit
The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the
result is death
chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas
that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy
To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick
to the face a fight?
There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck
Norris
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear
If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would
shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right
mind would try this?
70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick
Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from
his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face
The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he
was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of
an active volcano
Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper
Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the
Atlantic Ocean
Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in
order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up-- Jack Bauer and
MacGyver
MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but
Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw
up his own heart
Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no
avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's
arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match
Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill
the cow
The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor
destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in
his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking
It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future
Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a
roundhouse-kick to the face
Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of
mercy
Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with
"obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two
places at the same time
Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood
When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult
Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and
without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of
the beard
182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year
Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck
Norris beats all 3 at the same time
All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse
kick to the face
If you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off,
you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around
July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i
think not
Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His
enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth
In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"
Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost
If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his
three-hole-punch
In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I
came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris
The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're
thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong
And stop being a racist
When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy
Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck
Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the
Playstation back to Japan
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn
Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you
know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face
As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world
Stonehenge
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was
told
Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie"
There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck
Norris
President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the
same distance in half the time
Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing
Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in
San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee
Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning
Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without
a car
Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half
wood-grain alcohol
Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine
The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also
Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence
Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out
A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly
dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun
Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest
They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets
Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil
Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck
Norris is on
When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known
as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary
Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he's
roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die
Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body
bag
There's an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding,
Chuck Norris is first
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did
not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded
Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant
Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He
injects it directly into his neck with a syringe
In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong
Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time
Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead
Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis:
One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into
the air, so that it sprays bullets
In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special
effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck
Norris
The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer',
and 'What'
Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he
puts them into vegetative state with his fists
The 11th commandment is "Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris" This commandment
is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish
Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV
Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse
kicked them through an Oldsmobile
Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This
means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb
turns on
When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only
eats its soul
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized,
Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The
devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have
seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month
Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not
acting
If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you
Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are
called astronauts
Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal
weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states
A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the
product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation,
the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay
Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It
wouldn't take shit from anybody
Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash,
instead of taking a shower
"Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot
Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a
quarter
After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested
positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my
urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares
When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is
implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help
There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks
Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns
around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris
The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in
Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be
the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space
by the naked eye
Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck
Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis
revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the
Hope Diamond
Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked
The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back
scratcher
Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the
entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel
Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf
Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling
at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich
For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled
by two electric eels
The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant
to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They
didn't even come close
Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota
Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass
that is
TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion
After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck
Norris with a handshake. The rest is history
Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards
"Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme
song
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish
enough to attack him
Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires
When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes
Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims
In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close
attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint
texture of his beard
They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat
Every single one of them
There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck
Norris
Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives
One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist
Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer
Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each
word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face
Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does
The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a
dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio
under a glacier of fecal matter
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone
The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all
birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list
of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode
The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees
When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken
Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and
smothers it in pig's blood
Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill
you...Fourty seven times
The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck
Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick
to the face in overtime
Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always
Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were
killing people
Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will
spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ
They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer
always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse
Kick."
A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying
"Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag,
and the man in one deft move
Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel
In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the
jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep
Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his
roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."
"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the
pile of dead ninjas in his front yard
Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun
to a Chuck Norris fight
Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his
fists
In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a
dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not
Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man
Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper
When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not
collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive
Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts"
Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had
an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his
legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly,
and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and
bailing wire
Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed
Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone,
anywhere, in the face, at any time
Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery
shopping at Home Depot
Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it
with extreme prejudice
Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches
turns up dead
Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale
Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most
people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels
For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of
the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will
have never actually existed
Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes
your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he
cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon
animal
Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand
Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women
Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck
Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck
Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get
For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY
There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and
Chuck Norris
During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For
torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds
Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter
Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands
his cattle
Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven
Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's
kindergarten class
Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower
The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck
Norris didn't kill you in your sleep
Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can
Occam's Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one
Norris' Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie
Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate
Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness
is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a
higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to
Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too
much fancy-talk
Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet
Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted
his nickname back
If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it
Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in
your soul
Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover
He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris -- dies
Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he
can piss on whatever he wants
Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples
Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your
trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whickey,
roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain
Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma
Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card
"One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live
deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Chuck Norris! SAY IT!' Then he
manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'ChuckNorris' ..
It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"
People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone,
Chuck Norris created the automobile accident
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never
slap Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open
Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It's actually many
dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is
believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face
The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government
changed the name to Himotosaurous because it's simply not possible for Mr
Norris to be killed
Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris
for every answer
Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes
Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking
them in the face
Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus
People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against
terrorists? We simply reply...Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris wears Orion's Belt around his pinky toe and he eats with the Big
Dipper
Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder
Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for
it
Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur's court. He was known as Sir
Beatdown
Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated. Chuck Norris
once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated
In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because
they knew Chuck Norris was coming
Chuck Norris has never looked a baby in the eyes cause it might him cry but if
he does it also makes him want to punch a baby
Chuck norris doesnt go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris
Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just
deleted the internet
Before sliced bread, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Chuck
Norris". But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a
loaf of bread into slices
Chuck Norris's sweat has burned holes in concrete
The wind of Chuck Norris's round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles
away
Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same
time
There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in
control
Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also
responsible for the eradication of smallpox
There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal
injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris
Earth's emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down
Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands
On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000
The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the
Military for Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame
Chuck Norris doesnt use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma
When Chuck norris found this web-site while surfing the internt, he round house
kicked his computer...10 new facts were added instantly.including this one
You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you're Chuck
Norris
No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish
Chuck Norris is '' The best a man can get ''
On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one
of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be
Valentine's Day
Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it
off as a "bad case of gas"
Chuck Norris let the dogs out
Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of "the best
damn espresso on Earth"
Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest
of the cow
Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!
Chuck Norris don't open no can of whoopass. He makes his own
Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in
the face before the bullet hit
Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius
The world's fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris
The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat
The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris' left and right
hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard
When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just
give him stacks of money
In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device
When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the
horizon
The speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn't want get winded
outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat
Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its
residents
Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years
When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Chuck Norris is never the
rotten egg
Chuck Norris invented the question mark
Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child
Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg
Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin
romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady -- just
before he roundhouse kicks her in the face
Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds
If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second
he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare
Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter
Chuck Norris' beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China
The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse
kicks a second
Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be
outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire
Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds
Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!
Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those "some people" are now dead
When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don't say "Atchoo" he says "DIE EVERYONE!!!"
That's what happens next
Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning
Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of
failure. Chuck Norris goes killing
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck
Norris
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter"
Chuck Norris can speak braille
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin
The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around
awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of
the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down
Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he
hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of
submission
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you
may be only seconds away from death
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized,
Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The
devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have
seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris
can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas
If you try to introduce your mother to Chuck Norris, she'll introduce you to
your biological father
Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in
Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel
why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should
have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says,
"I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my
achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe..
you are sitting in my seat."
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a
picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to
pay taxes ever
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage
to tell him
Chuck Norris once survived a suicide bombing. He was the bomber
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die
Chuck Norris can divide by zero
Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape
Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors
Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris
enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out
how this feat is achieved
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck
Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef
We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill
me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic
Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Chuck
Norris?" to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history
that a contestant answered every single question right
At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the
doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45
minutes having sex with his waitress
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the
1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail
Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the
game UNO
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped
people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris
and that you will be handicapped if you park there
Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick
wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a
woman
Chuck Norris has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and
bloodstains
If at first you don't succeed, you are obviously not Chuck Norris
Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris
If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck
Norris got an award for masturbating in public
They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Chuck
Norris. He doesn't have to
Water boils faster when Chuck Norris watches it
Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys
When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger
Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... The only thing fear has to
fear is Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know
who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man
blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal
roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris
The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into
Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!"
Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off
Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant
Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person
Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can
scare the shit out of them
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Switzerland isn't really neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Chuck
Norris is on yet
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay:
"What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words
"Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper
Chuck Norris doesn't give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas,
that is your Christmas present from Chuck
Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you"
Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be
faster to run
When Chuck Norris laughs too hard while drinking milk, he accidently shits a
cow
One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He
explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his
apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife
gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and
blames nobody but himself
Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your
erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for
up to 15 days
Chuck Norris has never had an alcohol problem. However, alcohol has had a Chuck
Norris problem
Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?"
In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be
Chuck Norris
Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you
would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will
not take shit from anyone
Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live
Chuck Norris doesn't have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he
needs
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can
"accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids
Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to
kill you
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best
way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake
anyone has ever made
The phrase "Made by Chuck Norris" is imprinted beneath the surface of China
Microsoft has released a new Anti-virus removal tool called Chuck Norris. The
tool dares the virus to enter the machine
Chuck Norris always gets blackjack. Even when he's playing poker
When the Incredible Hulk gets angry he transforms into Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission
for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life
Chuck Norris only uses one chopstick
Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn
baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the
farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris
roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more
that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out
Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Needless to say, Death now
refuses to come near him
People say the truth hurts, but it hurts a hell of a lot more when it comes
from Chuck Norris
If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go
fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't
no future in any other course of action
Chuck Norris can open beer cans with his teeth. He still prefers to use other
people's teeth, though
Chuck Norris uses all seven letters in Scrabble... Every turn
