Regimenting. I feel like that should be the watchword for the current
times. I know everyone and their cousin has been talking about covid
lately, but it really is such a totalizing situation; you can't escape
it, even in escapism. But in times like this, when everything has been
so uncertain, it's caused me to realize how out of touch with myself I
have become. I've been so overwhelmed by day to day life, so entangled
with the stresses of work, expectations and obligations towards others,
and all those little stresses that life likes to pile on, that I'm
nearly a stranger to myself sometimes. The old patterns, the old habits
(good and bad) have fallen to the wayside, and what I'm left with is a
life that rarely feels like my own.
Some of this has been good, to be sure, I've been afforded many
blessings in all this turmoil and I try to keep those in perspective.
But at the same time, I have lost some of the qualities I once respected
in myself. To put it bluntly, I've grown lazy with myself. I don't
excercise as much anymore, I don't socialize with friends as much, I
don't feel nearly as in control of myself and my life as I once did.
Lately though, I hve been having more and more that "something's really
gotta give" feeling, and I can only hope that this chaotic feeling
welling up inside myself will bring me a new order.
To that end, I've resolved to start a new approach, and take the reins
back to my life, at first in little ways: getting back to excercising,
studying, eating properly, finding balance. Unfortunately, it's much
easier to pick up bad habits than it is to put them down again, and I
know that I will optimistically be half as successful as I intend. It
feels almost perverse to say that the external turmoil has really helped
me shed a light on the almost spiritual turmoil I have been lapsing
into, but it is true. I've never been one for setting goals and
schedules for myself, but I do have intentions (some more abstract, some
more concrete) that should help guide me along this path:
* make more time for myself, to take inventory and reflect inwardly
* stop gorging myself on sweets and "foods of convenience" and stick
with more regular meals
* get back in the rhythm of excercising daily or near daily
* keep up with my studies so I can pursue my passions, rather than idle
time wasting
* be a bit more stubborn when it comes to my wants, don't just let
people walk all over meals
I really want to turn this year around, and I know that I can. I just
have to trust in the process, and trust in myself again. Keeping a kind
of diary like this phlog is already making me feel better, letting me
get things out that I otherwise wouldn't say to people. So, prospective
reader, thank you for reading my self-therapy session today.
