bunz phlog / 10.28.22 /
[email protected]
So I am pretty sure I am too far gone. I have lost hope in a future and in myself.
I have ceased wanting anything more than to die in a way that would not be considered my
own fault.
This has been a slow process, really. But even if I didn't have severe self-loathing
and depression, I no longer desire things I wanted most of my life, like a companion. It's
been over 8 years since I've had a girlfriend, and she didn't actually like me to boot. Sure
I could get laid, but I haven't met anyone I was truly into in a long, long time. Since my
last girlfriend.
I used to get lonely. To want someone I could be affectionate towards and take care
of, spoon and watch movies with. Not anymore. I just want to be alone. I feel so ashamed
of the potential I have wasted. What could have once been nurtured, cultivated, and turned
into something wonderful is now but a stale half-forgotten pipe-dream. I have squandered
everything. Don't think I feel sorry for myself. I do not. I feel disgust. There isn't any-
one I can talk to because I feel so ashamed.
It's amazing, so many people feel shame for what they've done. I feel shame for what
I haven't done.
I honestly believe that some time within the next year I will walk into the woods
and be found months later, after the snow has melted.
When I finally tried confiding in someone about these thoughts that I have, a small
line about not ever leaving this state (of Oregon), their response was "Oh GOD! Not again!"
I find it strange that this same person, whom I've listened to when they're down, who's tha-
nked me for "being such an amazing friend," who's complained to me about the same problems
a hundred times for a decade, would simply dismiss my feelings with an "Oh GAWD!"
This is why I do not even bother. I realize she's one person, and it wouldn't be
very intelligent nor mature to project that onto everyone, but it's just so much more than
that. I have this weight on my shoulders and it is burying me.
