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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Disparity of the Soul
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Did you ever step back to take a look at yourself and at times wonder who the
hell you were? Who took over your body and controlled your actions? That
you were not *you* anymore, and that you were not even sure who *you* even
was?
I don't know why, but I feel this way now. I am so overwhelmed by
feeling and emotion, that I am encompassed within a whirlwind of
thoughts that aren't even my thoughts. I don't feel like *me*
anymore, that I have lost who I was intermingled with who I want to
be. I feel like a completely other person altogether (I think my
psychology teacher from high school called it hopeless, helpless and
out of control- but that was also referring to the rage reduction in
unbonded infants; however, it still describes how I feel at the moment).
It is just of late that I haven't been able to converse with
Rationale, Reason and even a little bit of Sanity. Instead I walk
hand-in-hand in the company of Impulse, Immediacy, and Confusion.
Insecurity has become my Best Friend. I feel like that stupid mime
in the box, and the box is getting smaller and smaller, closing in,
suffocating my creativity and crushing my spirit. I am levitating
above my own clouded thoughts, clawing my way for an ounce of
grounded stability.
Aside from not being able to channel my thoughts, I feel that the
things I believe in and are the most dear to me are the things I
I am loosing the most. I have a sudden insane obsession for
wanting to feel loved and needed to a degree that has caused me to
become terrified of loosing it all- so much that I am fearful of the
slightest thing that might make it so. I now live in constant fear
of my appearance, my reactions and behaviors, my ability/inability to
please, and
my psychotisism pushing away the only person that I love. Rational
or not, these thoughts linger in my mind and consume my being. And I
wonder, where did all these thoughts come from?
My mind is in a constant battle between Good and Evil; meaning that I
know what I <should> be thinking, what I <should> be saying, and how
I <should> be reacting. Knowing that I have these means to ensure a
victory, I am only saddened more from this elicit struggle that
assesses, rationalizes and reasons, however, is still defeated by this
*unknown* entity that has me under its grasp into which confusion controls
and consumes me.
It has turned me into a raging bitch, a needy child, and a sniveling
faucet; this poetic
despair that has been thrust upon me. As I said, I no longer feel like
*me*, like I am incorporating emotion from others as well as intensify
feelings on my own. I especially feel extremely attune to Anxiety being
the most prevalent and the most stressful for me to embrace. I feel it, I
know it, and yet, I cannot escape the emotion that I ascertain from feeling
this way, and it is devouring my very soul.
I always wonder why I am the way I am, yet in my heart of hearts, I already
know the answer. Why am I difficult, why do I have jealous inclinations
when nothing is directing me except my own thought. It all stems from my
emotion; as quickly as it is my best asset, it becomes my worst enemy as
well. As good/bad is it is/may seem, I cannot be born into one emotion
without embracing another. If I was not moody, I would be without love and
generosity; if I was not temperamental, I would not be kind; if I was not
opinionated, I would not be honest and sincere, and if I did not have
jealousy, I would not be able to give of myself entirely and completely.
What it comes down to is that one part cannot be defined as who I "truly
am" per se, but rather defined as a part of my whole, my entire complexity
of existence. Call it hereditary, call it personality, I don't know. A
human being cannot be described or defined as any certain way, or by any
specific aspect. A person becomes a person because of their ability to
change their mind, to treat each situation as specific and special as it
is, and to change as to not repeat past mistakes and history. In essence,
my attributes are my assets just as easily as they are my faults. Without
its co-existence, I would not be me. I could not be me. It's sometimes
much harder to prove to yourself what you are than to prove to the world
what you're not.
Knowing this, it only escalates the hopelessness that I feel and the
intensification of the degree in which I am experiencing this. I know the
complexity, I understand the emotion-filled person that I am; I just wish
the animalistic nature of emotion would diminish to the caged creatures
that I was once used to.
Creation could not be labeled as such without the existence of tribulation,
I just wish the tribulation would quickly come to an end soon. I long to
feel complete and whole again.
Simply,
Spyder
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