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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Reflecting Death
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I have often sat back and deeply reflected on the events leading up
to my death. They are not demented, nor twisted, just a sick churning of
mind. The girls I have loved and never knew it, the people I detest and
never felt it. I sit alone in my section of a long "lost souls" hall, a
purgatory if you will for creatures who did not attain that which was
meant. Not that it is or was intentional, just a minor miscalculation in
the gene pool or possibly a genetic engineering experiment gone afoul.
This is the fate I was in a way destined to attain.
Many years ago, while I was still a mortal I had a dream. A simple
dream, not of any real depth, thought or even complexity. A simple dream
of a certain understanding. The understanding of what is the true human
creature. I never found the answer to this question so I must now pay. And
pay dearly I do. My first life back in old England in 750 was fun at
times, I had a certain fear of death as we all did then. This was overcome
when I died of the plague. My next life I had the knowledge that death is
not a thing to fear, it is one to embrace. When we die we become what one
can only dream of. A power, a bright light. True beauty. No physical
limitations, no mental blocks. All thought processes are clear and free. I
live now in that sense. Enlightenment has been granted, a teacher
provided. A teacher of such depth I am shocked that I would be granted
such a thing. But it all begins a very long time ago, back in the 1980's.
I was at one time what one could call a freak. A deviant, one capable
of living in the night and loving it. A drive and enormous need to learn
and teach to the best of my abilities. I did the usual party shit, drunk
in excess and many other things I care not to discuss. Before that I was a
typical idiot, serving only to pleasure myself, helping none. This gave me
pleasure at the time but I was powerless to see the difference. I could
not remember what had been taught to me in my previous lives. The true
life, of love and knowledge.. But, getting back to the topic at hand. I
was a general asshole, walking over people and not caring. I was in high
school, a most traumatic place for anyone, moreso for anyone who got in my
way. Me and some of my "friends" at the time decided one night to crash a
party. We were told that it was being held by the weirdos of the school,
they were geeks anyhow, so a little bit o fun might be had there. It was
fun. First when we got there we started laughing at them, calling them
names. I mean, all they wee doing was sitting around talking and thinking.
What sort of party was this? Definantly not of any fun. I mean, where were
the giggly girls and beer? I did however have an attraction to one of the
girls there. She had eyes that bored right through me and could see the
coward that hid inside of the seething mass of idiocy. She watched me in
disgust at first, then pity. I did not understand any of this. I could not
see the pleasure of thinking and dreaming for recreation. It seemed the
only time you were supposed to dream was while asleep. This whole thing
was strange, I could not understand it, It all bugged me in general. She
looked at me while I was making some comment about someone having purple
hair and said, "How sad you must be not to feel" This hit me hard, like a
dirty cop's billy stick coming down on my head. Was she right? Did I not
feel? Was my image not good enough to frighten away this creature I did
not understand? Did she actually see through my mask of self hate? Was my
cover blown? That is when I cracked and had a realization so big that it
did scare me, so bad I still feel the effects of it today. The sudden
nausea, the crimping of my guts. I left the room and threw up. Then I
cried. I cried for my idiocy, my self avoidance. I realized that the true
me was a thing that was much too hazardous to face. I could only dream
about being myself. But wait! Dream. Is that what it was all about? Is
that what this shit was all about? Hmmmm... I cleaned up, restored my
image to the best that I could, grabbed the others and left. I said that I
felt ill and had to go home. While the others waltzed off into the night I
sat on the streets cur and started to think. What if I am all wrong? What
am I doing? Has my lack of love and thought not maken me weaker instead of
as I had allays thought making me stronger? After all, physical strength
is everything, the mind could never be more powerful that a strong
pectoral or biceps. I put my head in my hands and fell into a deep
depression. The confusion that I had created by one persons simple line
was more than I could take. Then a voice said from behind me, "Well, I
guess you do." It was the girl from the party. She introduced herself as I
did as well. I asked what sort of freaky shit was that was going on in
the house. She replied, "Don't do that, I know you aren't that stupid" I
had no idea what to think, was I that naked? I thought then and there that
a change was in due form. I rephrased my question and asked again what was
going on in the house. She simply smiled and invited me back in. I went in
and sat on the floor with her and a few others. Some strange music I was
informed later was Bauhaus. Fucking weird shit I thought. How can someone
listen to this shit... I will take my AC-DC over them any time I thought.
So, we started talking. We shared what we thought about various things. I
was reluctant to speak at first, fearing my own inadequacies would show up
and flaw me. I hesitated a possibility for one of the questions and
instead of insult I was rewarded with admiration. To this day I cannot
remember what it was that I said that was so important that night, but I
found myself going to more and more of these get-together sort of things.
The girl lived in a very old house of about 170 years. She invited me over
one night and then I truly found what I wanted to quest for and still do
search for. We stayed up until noon the following afternoon sitting in an
overstuffed couch and just talking, drinking coffee and thinking. It was
exquisite. A night that I thought was a dream and would never happen
again. She played me a band known as "The Clash" I had heard of them in
terms of "Should I Stay Or Should I Go" but the tunes she played I did not
know... I know of them now, but that does not matter. I found the music
enchanting. Weird thing to think about such a band, but what the hell...
I did see her again, and again... Many times.. We frequented these
get togethers all the time. She introduced me to many interesting people
and eventually I introduced her to some as well. Those were great times.
The feeling of euphoria without the need for drink. What a wonderful
feeling. I guess that sometimes the losers really are the winners and the
"winners" are just too stupid to realize it. Tragic changes started to
take place at school. No longer was I the whipper as much as the whipping
post. I lost all interest in what would be the "norm" but it depressed me
that others could not see what the true reality was, this thing of pure
thought. I was sick of calculations. I was sick of being ignorant. I
snapped. All the people that others had told me to avoid were now my
friends, the "in" crowd was my enemy. What the fuck do I do now I
wondered. Fuck it I thought, I am different and never will be able to fit
in with this general status quo of things.
A tragic thing happened though. This girl and myself grew distant.
What was once a great friend now seemed an eternity away. She got a
boyfriend and simply vanished. This was when I discovered something else.
Even though time may separate, there is always a bond of some strange
force. Eventually we met again at some location and picked up where we
left off, seemingly without any thought of the past. Wow, that's something
else I thought. How could it be that I don't see anyone fer months and
then..... Wow, something else... Along the lines I was introduced to some
excellent music. The Smiths, Skinny Puppy, Nitzer Ebb, Echo & The
Bunnymen.... And yes, even Bauhaus... Wild and crazy times.
I still continue with the quest for thought, many friends less and
many years later. It's now 1995, almost 15 years after that day.. I do not
miss my old life, I wonder where all the people I met at those parties are
today. I wonder if there are any more people like them. People I can
actually respect and learn from. I doubted that greatly.. As always, doubt
turns into reality all to often. Once again I am learning and growing. I
had stagnated from months and years of dormancy, more prepared to hide in
my mind than let people into my life. This door has opened it's corroded
hinges once again though. I would tell you what happens, but one cannot
play with the future is such a way. What's unknown sometimes is best left
that way only to be uncovered by careful excavation and planning.
I sit here in the hall waiting for my next call to service. Waiting
and wondering what my next life will bring. I am called by my spirit guide
to come into the light. I walk slowly, not worrying as I fall down a
funnel of energy so intense it invigorates. I then see a doctor with white
gloves on. The presence of having a physical body once again disturbs me
and I start to cry. Life begins anew.
Could be real, could be bullshit. The question remains.....
-Death
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