I'm starting to get frustrated at how afraid I am during the day. My recent event, which occurred around the
genesis of this phlog, has left me constantly afraid. Afraid to get too much exercise, afraid to get too little,
afraid to look at screens for too long, afraid to eat takis, afraid to stand up, afraid to sit down, afraid to
change position in bed. It's really scary to have something wrong with you and not know what it is, or why it happened.
At this point, it's only happened once recently, but I'm terrified of it happening again. Because the feeling I
get as it's coming on is so subtle, I'm beginning to mistake minor bodily occurrences for it, and am constantly
expecting it to happen again. I think part of what's so scary is that when I am afraid that something is really
wrong, I do get a physical sensation from that- which will happen whether I'm about to go under or not. That being
said, in the days following the event I've definitely had moments of a sort of "uh oh, here it comes again".
I know that technically the period is supposed to go inside of the quotes- that always bothered me. I feel that
syntactically it makes more sense if I group a section with quotes and then end the whole thing with a period, or
even that I would put a period inside the quotes followed by another outside. I'm just being nitpicky.
I've been trying to spend nights in contact with people, to get my mind off of whatever seizure thingy happened to
me. I'm lucky enough to have some really good friends to talk to and play video games with in my free time. Plenty
of people that I can both talk seriously with when the time calls for it, as well as just screw around when it
doesn't. I find that trait to be really important to me when it comes to close friends. Me and a buddy played some
Apex Legends tonight and we each played like hot garbage, but I'm never too concerned about winning anyway. He's
recently been hired as a bus driver at his university, and seems to be having a good time with it. I know you're
not reading this, but congratulations! If whoever is reading this has recently gotten a new job, congratulations
to you too!
One of my teachers from high school passed away this morning. A really good guy, beloved by the whole community.
He was known for being a sort of goofy, environmentally passionate and easy going guy with a lot of love for his
family and his students. Biked to school every day, pushed recycling as well as terracycling, that sort of thing.
When I had heard a few years ago that he had been diagnosed with a brain tumor, I was floored. I wanted to reach
out, but at the time didn't because I didn't want to bother him when I was sure he was receiving huge amounts of
messages already. That was pretty stupid of me, wasn't it? We all make mistakes, I'll just have to pump up my bike
and take it for a spin in his honor. I'm pretty sure he's not reading this now, but if you are- be easy.
My phlog is becoming much more macabre than I intended for it to be. I guess you don't get to pick how life is
sometimes, it's only natural. I'm generally not really into the particularly dark aspects of life- I get stressed
watching things like game of thrones, and need to take breaks to watch adventure time, for example. That's just
TV, anyway, which I've been watching far too much of. Much too much to learn about the world to spend it learning
what will happen to the Stark kids. That being said, I don't mind rewatching finn and jake going on some
adventures- I find it much more theraputic to me, which in my mind is beneficial enough to warrant a little
wasted time.
