date: Thu 17 Jul 2025 10:10:13 PM PDT
subj: computing compulsiveness hurts or heals
-------------------------------------------------------------
A never ending monologue:
-------------------------
My computing life, these days I can't tell if it hurts or heals.
I've talked about burnout quite a bit over the years. I've been
working with computers, for a long time now. At this point in my
life I can't see any other career for me, so I'm here for better
or worse, for as long as I can be. They say when you get
burnout you must leave the area you feel burnt out in, or the
feeling will never go away. Like the solider on a battlefield;
once the solider has burnout they will have it until they step
off the battlefield. I can't compare the horror of my burnout to
that of a solider, but I can say I feel some sort of pain
related to computing. I also can't leave it. I'm compelled to
compute. Its in my face on commercials in one way or another,
like the add for Dell' AI computer with Intel inside. I look at
my babies on the baby monitor, and I know that little device, is
a server, probably running Linux of some flavor; it says to me
computer,and I want to see how it works in a computing way. I
see devices all over the place with the same understanding, they
are computers. I have fantasies where I will pile my computing
equipment up and get rid of everything. The fantasy passes in a
few moments. I also have fantasies where I will learn more about
my C64 sitting in my office/lab, but I know I'll only use it to
dial up a BBS. Is my computing obsession hurting me or healing
me, I can't really tell anymore. I know I don't have an infinite
amount of time in my life anymore. Can computing be a joy, a
hobby? or is it going to be a drug, or chain to incomplete ideas
and projects, a lack of work life balance? How can one have work
life balance when computing is your work and life necessities
are some dang expensive, while computing is an obsession?
I sit sometimes when I have a moment to try and figure out aside
from employment, why I compute, and why I like computers. Its
been so long now its hard to remember what it is. Like why a
person likes the color green so much, they might have had green
as their favorite color since they were a child, but as an adult
have they thought about why they still like the color green. Did
they built their life around their idea of liking the color
green? I know I haven't thought about why I like certain colors
for so long. I thought about how I like certain music. Last
night it was very warm out and I had the windows open, I heard
for the second time living here, my neighbors listening to
music. I tried to hear what they were listening to and wondered
about their choice. I heard a Depeche Mode song. I thought wow,
an oldie for a couple so young. Are there other songs they
listen to that I know, maybe I could connect with them about?
Was it spotify, or a mix. I then thought of how I loved
listening to music very loud, so loud I can feel it. I thought
one day I would like to do that again, but what would my
neighbors think of my song choice, when out blares Descendents
album Enjoy!, song Hurtin Crue, Green, or Days of Blood. Only a
small group of people like those songs, and feel the power in
the feedback laden melody. My father rest is soul had to hear me
play that album loudly over and over again. He wasn't a fan of
it. He liked good music (to him), like The Rolling Stones, and I
can say they made great music. Why I like Hurtin Crue so much I
have little explanation other than I listened to it thousands of
times as a youth, but why I like the sound I can't say, just
like I can't figure out what is the root of why I like
computing, or the color orange. Often what we show others of our
likes gives those around us a means to define us, and how they
decide to relate to us if at all. I'm finding myself trying to
figure out how I relate to what I like and why I like it or if I
should like it. Over the past five or six years I've started
thinking about what I like, or in other terms worry on what I
like more and more and as time moves forward more and more seems
to be growing.
I watch others in the world around me who don't seem to care
about a computer. They don't care if it works or doesn't work.
A computer to them is similar as scissors to any other person
(who isn't a tailor). To a writer the type-writer is a more
efficient form of the pen. They can write a book using a pen,
but they can work much faster with a type-writer. A person who
likes computers what is that? In terms of what I'm about I
think something is twisted just a bit. It would be like a writer
who only writes books so they can use a type-writer.
How many other people have the same compulsion? Why do I
have it.
As I've tried to explain my computing obsession once. I claimed
it was about entering a world where I think I have some level of
control. The reasons I think I need the control I probably said,
but I'm still contemplating the reason[s] these days. I don't
think I'm alone wanting some level of control over what happens
in life. I know specifically there is no control over what
happens in the world, but the computer creates a very compelling
illusion the user has control of the computer, and it may be
more than just an illusion, of control. The computer is a
device with a set of rules that can be changed by the user, but
if the user doesn't change them, those rules will remain.
Operating the computer is a place or thing that seems willing to
serve its operator/user. If I put a file on some storage media
it will be there when I return for it. The game I try to play
obeys the rules of itself each time I play it. The computer with
its programs a source of entertainment, and exploration, is
simple but complicated, Is frustrating and rewarding, and
interactive. Above all its usually inviting, and I think this
is the tick, a source of its allure. Its like the garden for
the mater gardener who seems to control the plants in the
garden. The plants grow to meet the will of the gardener. The
gardener has no concerns of the weather conditions, and at all
times the plants grow an shape to the will an wishes of the
master gardener. The master gardener has a lot more to deal with
than the computer user, but from an outsider's perspective the
master gardener seems to control the garden. The journey of
control over the computer comes easier than a master gardener's
journey. If someone could trade my knowledge of computers for
that of a master gardener for my region I would have no qualms
to trade. The garden would become my proverbial computing world.
The computer will never say or lead a person to believe:
I don't like you.
Get out of here.
You are not part of this.
I don't like you anymore.
I hate you.
The computer will also never say or lead a person to believe:
I love you.
I like you.
The computer will be like that thing in your pocket that you
touch or rub, when you want to know something is there. Its
almost like that security blanket a child doesn't want to give
up. Usually the designers of the computer and its programs make
them in a way to attract and invite a person to to use them.
They want to see their creation adopted and enjoyed by others.
There are instances where the programs and computers are created
as a means of control over the users/people, but nonetheless
they are inviting.
For me understanding the computer didn't come easy. I put a lot
time and effort into learning the computer and many systems of
computing. I still put a lot of work into it. Not nearly what I
used to when I was younger, but I spend time using them. I think
about them, and what ways I will operate them. These days I
wonder what does it do for me in a healthy way. Using the
computer doesn't really bring connections into my life.
Computers are everywhere now, they are like light bulbs in
America, light bulbs today where I live don't bring many people
together like they did many many years ago. It doesn't make a
healthy salad I can feed another person. 99% of the time its me
using it and nobody cares what I'm doing on it. Now days I'm not
productive in terms of producing things consumable from my work
on them. They are everywhere just another day in the norm nobody
cares what anyone is doing on computers at a personal level. I
mean the neighbors don't ask if you have a computer and what
you're doing with it. They assume you have one, and they have
one too, and therefore don't take interest in general about
computing.
Was a seed planted that I must be productive? I remember long
ago when I lived with my parents I used the family computer just
to play games, or see what it does, or can do. I still like that
part of it sometimes, although games seem to want the player to
work in some way .. they call it grinding. During work and my
education people wanted me to tell them how productive I was,
and when I will produce. That wasn't really my way of computing.
My way of computing was use the computer to do things, whatever
it is do that thing with the computer, and do it as fast as
possible to be able to do the next thing. This too was my work
ethic, write a program the way I wanted, within the scope of
what was desired, and build it as fast as possible. Built a
system or systems to do things work needed, and do it as fast
as possible. I didn't want to slow down with figuring out
milestones or estimating how long it takes to complete a task,
that was for other people. Production velocity seemed like
another way to make computing, compute by monkeys, and a way to
remove creativity.
Was progress implanted in me, time is viewed as
production vs exploration?
Still I don't know should I even write about this publicly
trying to figure out what is causing me to want or use a
computer, and how if its feeding the sickness inside of me.
When did it become more than just a computer or scissors to
anyone else? I try to trace back all of it back to the
beginnings of my computing. For me the beginning was the C64
(Commodore) at my aunts house. I think that was the start but
I'm not sure. I continue to try and trace back why that would
have been the beginning, or was it just representing something
else, something else the computer is fixing but simultaneously
breaking inside of me? I wonder as I watch the men outside where
I live build houses and driveways. I've shaken their hand and
it feels like I'm shaking the hand of a wood tree, solid,
strong, like the hands of my youth when I built houses labored
outside.
The poison in the computing world is not being able to keep up.
If there was still a place for me and that 386dx from all the
years to now, the poison in the world would be so much less. The
gardener has a choice not to use poison in the garden. The tools
the gardener uses fifty years ago still work today, and will a
hundred years into the future. A new piece of computing hardware
comes out compelling us all to shift to the next computer soon
or later. Like the kids on the playground asking why you don't
have the latest shoes and you're still wearing those out dated
straight leg pants. It would be like your toaster not being
able to toast the new bread, and having to buy a new toaster
every time they design a new toaster they also make the slots
different for the loaves of bread we all eat.
Maybe as I grow older and continue to believe I have less
connections with others around me my concerns about the things
to connect with are more important. and how the things I liked
or do don't seem to be the things people will connect with me
about, let alone finding anyone around to make such a connection
with if they did like the same things. Nobody around seems to
take much of an interest in so long its created a behavior of
not sharing what I do or like. Long ago when I was young I
moved to a different neighborhood. I was in my room with my door
closed. My mother had let in a group of boys from my school who
lived in the neighborhood in to the house. I was very social
back then. One of the boys named Victor, saw my guitar and asked
if I know how to play it. I told him no I'm just working on
cords. I had a book of cords and I was practicing. He asked if
he could try out my guitar. I told him of course. He knew how to
play it and asked me if I could do a power cord. I had no idea
what a power cord was, but he showed me a two string cord. I had
been using two string cords for awhile, but I didn't know they
were called power cords. He then showed me how to play Johnny Be
Goode. It was such a simple thing to connect over, but it took
an in person event in a personal space. After guitar stuff for a
short while, we all left to hang out in the neighborhood. We
went and climbed onto some roofs and jumped from roof to roof on
the duplexes. For several years after I would hang out with
these group of boys. Nobody makes these connections like this
anymore, or at least not around me. Since computing became a
larger part of my life connections like my youth of become less
and less frequent. Computing is seems like a soloist activity,
like a writer, or a painter. I know there used to be Lan parties
where Doom players would gather, but everyone has internet now.
Holly hell, what is the point of computing now days? Is it even
worth it anymore at my age? We all use computers but if I asked
my neighbors how they use theirs would be like asking a person
how they use their light bulbs, or their dishwasher.
One of my co-workers bought a nice BMW motorcycle. He has all
the storage on it, and fancy riding suit. He enjoys going on
long rides. He has gone on rides with others too. Such an
expensive buy in to connect with others. He seems to really
enjoy his motorcycling. I wonder if my computing costs are
similar to his motorcycle over a long time period. At least he
has gone riding with others. I ride my bicycle regularly, but
nobody is riding with me. Cycling too seems to be an
semi-expensive activity. Are these things worth it? Well I
answer to my cycling, its cheaper than a gym membership. I have
to rationalize shtuff sometimes, but can I really do so with
computing?
I remember working in tech/IT in the NW and the very people
around me didn't talk about computing. At the time I had no TV,
I only had my computer. I would hear them talk about TV shows,
and they would ask me if I had seen the TV shows they watched. I
reluctantly told them I don't have a TV. They never talked about
computing. It was like this unspoken thing, never talk about
computing. Almost as if there was this strange competition to
never discuss computing and how it is done. It was like they
didn't like being a tech. There was a lot of stigma about being
a tech guy, the tech guy, or my tech guy. Like someones pet
servant or something. I didn't know what to make of such names.
Saturday Night Live really seed the idea of jerk tech people. I
never met anyone like the character portrayed on that show.
Although only saw clips of it. The people we helped didn't seem
to like to discuss tech/computing much either. Just shut up and
operate the computer for me, or fix this dang nuisance machine
I have so I can get back to business. If you like this stuff you
are a loser, un-kept, nerd/geek. Back then nobody wanted to be a
nerd/geek. Look at the fucking world now. Sucks the way it
became, or lets just say the dang nerds tried to take it over.
These are the questions I ask myself but myself doesn't bring
the answers, or maybe not the answers I want. Trying out one of
the fantasies is an expensive idea. If I piled up all my
equipment and sent it away, would I just wind up buy it all
back. If I pack it up, which I've done before, the day I unpack
it I realize how old and out of date stuff is, and how hard it
is to find drivers, and crap to make my equipment work, not to
mention how I've lost the familiarity with those older items.
Letting go of computing has to be an all in, for if not the time
commit to re-initialize becomes very lengthy. I don't know if I
have that kind of time anymore.
Comes down to be yourself and nobody likes you, be who they want
you to be long enough and you don't like yourself, either way it
gets confusing after long time of it, confusing enough to not
know what you like and if you should like it.
