!Christina's 5 questions
---
agk's diary
10 February 2023 @ 17:53 UTC
---
written on GPD Win 1 via PuTTY
on couch while daughter tries not to nap
---
I love to answer Christina's questions; read
others' answers. She wrote 5 new ones!
gopher://sdf.org:70/1/users/christyotwisty
1. Do I give advice to close friends who seem to
struggle, or wait for 'em to ask?
To support a struggling close friend, I make
time & space (walk by the creek, play jacks),
elicit something to listen to:
"Your marriage gotten better?"
"You were crying when you came over last week."
"People talking about you behind your back. You
hurt someone?"
"You're drinking more than usual."
I try to have no advice, listen to what's on
friend's mind; crack denial of what they're
afraid to think about. People suffer from
incommunicable experience. Shameful stuff
(drink, abusing, neglect) needs more space:
"You know I used to drink a lot. I did some
wild shit when it was still fun [chuckle]."
"I badly hurt someone I loved when I was 18.
Had no idea at the time. When I learned how
bad I misunderstood, how irreparable the harm
was, I got ready to kill myself. My friend
Lee came in the middle of the night, said 'Ya
ain't a monster or a saint, yer a fucking
human. Gotta learn from what you can't make
right, not run from it."
Advice is cheap. Intimate space to reflect on
tragicomic ambiguity of habits & situations is
dear. To close portals to Hell that threaten
to suck me in, it helps to be supportive with-
out rescuing:
* Ask the person what he wants/doesn't want.
* Be clear what you do/don't wanna do.
* & what you are/n't capable of doing.
* Negotiate what you will/won't do.
* Acknowledge if you have a rescue fantasy
& find out why.
2. Best view where I live?
East pinnacle at sunrise, west pinnacle day,
"painted rocks" anytime, isolated stretch of
Wisemantown Road to stargaze, tiny waterfall on
silver creek for just sitting.
3. What useful skill'd I want a nontechy friend to
learn?
Cook beans 10 ways. Change, wash, hang dry
diapers. Put the seat high enough on a bicycle;
confidently stop and start in traffic. Send
mail. Read for pleasure. Sing. Use a map to get
somewhere afoot. Visit, listen to old people.
Make a personal blog or 'zine. Troubleshoot a
problem. Grow tomatoes. Make bread, sauerkraut.
Hand-mend clothes. Make, maintain, end friend-
ships. Decide, plan, do, reflect.
4. What'd I do if I had a buddy or childcare?
If I had childcare, I'd go on dates and do
rope bondage play in woods with my wife and
sometimes some of our friends.
I might take a yoga class.
5. My favourite slow cooker recipe?
Broth: bones, veggie scraps, onion and potato
peels, nettles or parsley, vinegar, water, bay
leaves, 3+ days.
