!Lonely
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agk's diary
1 June 2022 @ 14:16 UTC
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written on GPD Win 1 via puTTY during baby's nap
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About three weeks ago I was afflicted with awful
allergies to the high spring pollen count. My nose
ran like a creek, I sneezed in paroxysms lasting
several minutes, my red eyes watered and itched.
A cold sore presented on my left eyelid.
The allergies, I think my worst ever, called for
strong nettle tea, daily loratidine, pollen avoid-
ance, hair-washing. The cold sore also called for
lysine supplements, dietary changes (no beans,
chocolate, coffee), stress reduction and catching
up on my sleep deficit, and a black teabag com-
press over the eye on mornings when I woke to it
swollen shut, encrusted, and itchy. Acylcovir's
never done much for me.
Evy and I share our bedroom with the baby's crib.
Lately the baby started waking when I open the
door to go to bed and if I roll over or get up to
pee. Either her or Evy wake if I try to read in
bed. I'd been sleeping in 2-3 hour chunks and
laying rigidly awake, muscles aching, not seeking
a position of comfort for minutes or hours at
night lest I wake the baby.
I started sleeping on the loft bed in the garage.
I got better sleep. So did Evy (when the baby
wakes, so do we). We missed each other. I enjoyed
reading in bed, finding a position of comfort,
and sleeping til 0800 or 0900 on days neither of
us work. I tried a night or two back in bed with
Evy after my allergies calmed. Sleep was worse
than before, my eye swole, a new lesion appeared
on my upper lip.
We substituted more daytime intimacy for sharing
our bed at night. We dug a new garden bed and
planted. We schemed about her upcoming labor con-
ference. I picked up extra housework and babycare
during times Evy normally did those things, to
the detriment of schoolwork. She cooked lovely
meals, especially Memorial Day, read my writing
here on gopher, brought the baby to church (even
though gas is too expensive and she doesn't like
church), helped encourage me write a paper for
class by watching me type via a linked tmux
session on a tablet while she cooked.
Now it's very summer. I'm lonely. I think we're
both lonely. About half our time talking turns
into long-running quarrels about my unhappiness
giving up what we built here to move to the city
after I graduate, her suspicion I'll somehow pre-
vent the move, any number of daily cares.
She's in the kitchen. I'm on the back stoop surr-
ounded by chirping of hundreds of birds. Laundry
dries on the line in the sun. I can't hug her---
she'll pull away. I tidied the house with her and
took out the trash. She acted annoyed at me the
whole time. I took the baby for hours yesterday so
she could have alone time. She appreciated it a lot
but we felt no closer.
We've been married more than a year, romantically
entangled more than four. We live together, raise a
very cool girl together, and support each other in
myriad ways. I thought we knew how to talk,
reflect, and fix stuff. Now I feel lost at sea.
Maybe going back to bed with her will fix it. She's
right here, but I miss her so much I'm telling my
diary. Telling her just makes me miss her more.
I love Evy like I've never loved anyone. It hurts
to see her so close and feel so separated.
