!Exhausted
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agk's phlog
15 August 2021 @ 0511
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written on Galaxy J3 (2016) in the garage
while wishing I was asleep
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I join cat, sloum, and others on new-parent gopher
struggling with balance and extended sleep deficit.
Six weeks of maternity leave is about to end. It's not
enough time. I go in for orientation for the acceler-
ated nursing program Monday. I get out when my child
is 18 months old.
I'm tired. I'm having trouble wordfinding and making
dumb mistakes on my motorcycle. I want to compulsively
buy stuff so I have something to look forward to. When
the baby is awake and isn't breastfeeding or with my
spouse, she frequently yells inconsolably because she
wants to be with my spouse, not me. She's beautiful
and I love her.
Evy (my spouse) got her wisdom teeth extracted a few
days ago. The baby and I sat in the car with the a/c
on and the baby yelled. We did that two days in a row.
Then Evy slept with the baby on the couch, on Ibuprofin
800s and half her prescribed dose of hydrocodone,
tongue numb. I stressed and struggled with my final
exam. Each time the baby woke I changed her and she
yelled.
Evy had her computer read me flash cards, then went
back to sleep. I struggled and studied some more, then
took the exam. Then I found out the transcript won't get
to my nursing program in time and maybe everything's
pointless.
I resent school, resent work. I resent Evy for being
able to sleep. I want to comfort my baby when she cries
but I have to force myself to ignore her to do class-
work and online orientation modules. Everything biolog-
ical in me fights against my willpower, classwork takes
longer, anxiety and resentment make me more tired.
Every night my baby makes honking, panting, grunting
sounds. I lay awake listening. Evy gently rubs my skin.
I'm so exhausted and on edge it feels like she's
rubbing me with sandpaper.
We wanted someone to watch the baby for 30 mins today
so we could ride on the motorcycle to the Dairy Queen
to get Evy a mint chocolate chip ice cream, just to
have a moment together to love each other. Morgan, Joe,
and Matthew were busy, Tevis had to work then go to a
birthday party. Sister-in-law Ilona was tired. There
is no one else.
Evy gave up and went to sleep on the couch. I watched
her and the baby sleep, and missed our life.
