I'm a very selfless person. No. I don't mean that as a good thing.
I am a person who has been, intentionally and unintentionally, hollowed
out by a lot of other people over the course of my life
At this point I frequently feel like I only have volition if I'm alone
where no one else's will can push on my mind
Part of what's so bad about all of this is that it doesn't even take
someone trying to override my sense of self anymore. Just people
existing near me with needs makes my whole mind blank out. I can't
remember what I need, what I want, what I was going to do. I just go
into this Servant Mode
I hate it. I know my partners hate it. It's frustrating how I don't know
how to turn any of this off.
I'm trying though. I'm honestly trying to be a little bit more selfish
even if the idea of "someone else being around and yet I don't cater to
their needs" sets off my scruples obsessions into screaming.
