_______ _
                       |__   __| |                      April 24, 2001
                          | |  | |__   ___                     Tuesday
                          | |  | '_ \ / _ \
  .-.     _     ______    | |  | | | |  __/    ____
 (   `. .' )   |  ____|   |_|  |_| |_|\___|   |  _ \
  `\   ` .'    | |__ _   _ _ __  _ __  _   _  | |_) | ___  _ __   ___
    |   |      |  __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | |  _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
    |   |      | |  | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | |  __/
    | 66|_     |_|   \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
    |  ,__)                             __/ |
    |(,_|                              |___/           ISSN: 1527-6163
    | |
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    |   |                  M I D W E E K    E D I T I O N
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         _                                                 _
        (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
        (_.===============================================._)


                    Why Cats Are Better Than Men


  A cat always hits the litter box.                    _
                                              <`-.__.-',>        ,-.
  You have a better chance of training a cat.  )       (          | \
                                             _/  ^4^   _\         ; |
  You never have to spend time with          =\_ -'-  _=/__.-~~-./  /
      your cat's mother.                        `;---`             /
                                               __|            |    \
  If you ask enough times, a cat may        .~`  \  |    ,    \     ;
      actually LISTEN to you.              (_,~'` `.\    |__..~'.    |
                                                     |   ; )  |  `)  7
  You can de-claw a cat... try to get               _/  / (_.'   /  /
      a guy to clip his toenails.              jgs (__,'        (_.'

  It's okay if a cat rubs up against your best friend.

  A cat knows you're the key to his happiness... a man thinks HE is.

         _                                                 _
        (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
        (_.===============================================._)


                      A Sloth Gathering Berries


      `""==,,__                        A sloth in the forest had
        `"==..__"=..__ _    _..-==""_  spent all day gathering
             .-,`"=/ /\ \""/_)==""``   berries and was making his
            ( (    | | | \/ |          way home when he was mugged
             \ '.  |  \;  \ /          by a gang of snails.  They
              |  \ |   |   ||          knocked him down, knocked
         ,-._.'  |_|   |   ||          him out and made off with all
        .\_/\     -'   ;   Y           his berries.
       |  `  |        /    |-.
       '. __/_    _.-'     /'          A while later he was found
   jgs        `'-.._____.-'            and aided by a very concerned
                                       monkey who asked him what had
  happened.  The monkey told him he should go to the police, that if
  he gave them a good description of the culprits the chances were
  good that the thugs would be caught and punished.

  Unfortunately, the sloth revealed, "I'm afraid I never saw them;
  it all happened so fast."

         _                                                 _
        (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
        (_.===============================================._)


                    Life Lessons Learned From A Dog


  If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what
   you want.           __
                     .'  `. /-._            Don't go out without ID.
                 _.-'/  |  \`-._`-._
    ,        _.-"  ,|  /  a `-. `-._`-._    Be direct with people;
    |\    .-"       `--""-.__.'=====`-._]   let them know exactly
    \ `-'`        .___.--._)============|   how you feel by piddling
     \            .'      |             |   on their shoes.
      |     /,_.-'        |             |
    _/   _.'(             |             |   Be aware of when to hold
   /  ,-' \  \            |             |   your tongue, and when to
   \  \    `-'            |             |   use it.
    `-'               jgs '-------------'

  Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.

  Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch
  is most effective.

  When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon
  as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).

  If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

         _                                                 _
        (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
        (_.===============================================._)


             Next Time You Think You're Having A Bad Day


  The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez
  oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the
  most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid
  cheers and applause from onlookers.
                                ,_
  A minute later they were      \::,
  both eaten by a killer whale. |::::\
                                |:::::\
                             __/:::::::\,____
                        _.-::::::::::::::::::::==..,____
                    .-::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::.,__
                 .:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::)
               .:::::'```'-::::::::::::::::::::::(__,__`)::::-'
             .;;;;;;::.     ':::::::::::::::::::-:::::@::-'""-,
     .------:::::::::::'      '-::::::::::'   /   `'--'"""".-'
  /:::::::::/:::/`  _,..-----.,__ `''''`/    ;__,..--''--'`
  `'--::::::::::|-'`             `'---'|     |
          `\::::\                       \   /
           |:::::|                       '-'
            \::::|
        jgs  `\::|
               \/     A psychology student in New York rented out
                      her spare room to a carpenter in order to
  nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of
  needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving
  her mentally retarded.

  In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world
  flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight
  hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his
  girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been
  cut off.

  A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
  frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist
  towards the electric kettle.              (         ____
  Intending to jolt him away from            )    .;'`    `';,
  the deadly current she whacked him        (    //          \\
  with a handy plank of wood by the          ,_ ||  _..-n-.._ ||
  back door, breaking his  arm in two       (c)\||-"'-.....-"-;|
  places. Till that moment he had been       \  ;'             Y
  happily listening to his Walkman.           \_/`              \
                                              ;                  ;
  Two animal rights protesters were           |                  |
  protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs   |                  |
  to a slaughterhouse in Bonn.             jgs '.__          __.'
  Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand              ``""""""``
  of them, escaped through a broken fence and
  stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

  Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a
  letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
  Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

         _                                                 _
        (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
        (_.===============================================._)

                                                            _     .-.
       John Nunley  -  [email protected]            ( `. .'   )
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                ASCII Art by Joan Stark                       |   |
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