_______ _
                       |__   __| |                      March 22, 2001
                          | |  | |__   ___                    Thursday
                          | |  | '_ \ / _ \
  .-.     _     ______    | |  | | | |  __/    ____
 (   `. .' )   |  ____|   |_|  |_| |_|\___|   |  _ \
  `\   ` .'    | |__ _   _ _ __  _ __  _   _  | |_) | ___  _ __   ___
    |   |      |  __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | |  _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
    |   |      | |  | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | |  __/
    | 66|_     |_|   \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
    |  ,__)                             __/ |
    |(,_|                              |___/           ISSN: 1527-6163
    | |
    | \_,               T H E    S U N D A Y    F U N N I E S
    |   |
    |   |                    F R I D A Y    E D I T I O N
  .'     \
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               jokes.  Sometimes a bit risque but always funny.
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         _                                                 _
        (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
        (_.===============================================._)

  Be My Valet?
          .--.
         /    \              A retired four-star general ran into his
        ## a  a       _      former orderly, also retired, in a
        (   '._)     |_|     Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the
         |'-- |      | |     evening persuading him to come work for
       _.\___/_   ___|_|___  him as his valet.
     ."\> \Y/|<'.  '._.-'
    /  \ \_\/ /  '-' /       "Your duties will be exactly the same as
    | --'\_/|/ |   _/        they were in the army," the general
    |___.-' |  |`'`          said.
      |     |  |
      |    / './             "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again
     /__./` | |              fast."
        \   | |
         \  | |              Next morning promptly at eight o'clock,
         ;  | |              the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's
         /  | |              bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave
   jgs  |___\_.\_            the general a gentle shake, strode
        `-"--'---'           around the other side of the bed,
                             spanked his employer's wife on her
  bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."
         _                                                 _
        (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
        (_.===============================================._)

  And You Wonder Why It Didn't Last...

  She married him because he was such a "strong man."
  She divorced him because he was such a "dominating male."

  He married her because she was so "fragile and petite."  .=""""=,
  He divorced her because she was so "weak and helpless." ><><><><><
                                                          />   `\   )
  She married him because "he knows how to provide a     /_     ))  )
    good living."                                         }     |_/`
  She divorced him because "all he thinks about is        `""\   \
    business."                                     jgs      /`~~~~`\

  He married her because "she reminds me of my mother."
  He divorced her because "she's getting more like her mother
    every day."
               _|/
             ."   ".              She married him because he was
         __ /(o)-(o)\                "happy and romantic."
       /_)||   /     |            She divorced him because he was
       |_)||  '-     |               "shiftless and fun-loving."
       \_)|| '.___.' /   |\/|_
        | / \  \_/  /   _|  '/    He married her because she was
        |--\ '.___.'    \ ) /        "steady and sensible."
        \   \_/\__/\__   |==|     He divorced her because she was
         \    \ /\ /\ `\ |  |         "boring and dull."
          \    \\//     \|  |
           `\   /\   |  /   |     She married him because he was
         jgs ;  ||   |\____/          "the life of the party."
             |  ||   |            She divorced him because "he never
                                      wants to come home from a
                                      party."
         _                                                 _
        (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
        (_.===============================================._)

  Plane Crash
                .------,       There were these three women sitting
                =\      \        on a plane, the captain announced
   .---.         =\      \          that the plane was going to
   | C~ \         =\      \              crash.. The woman on the
   |     `----------'------'----------,      end of the row got out
  .'     LI.-.LI LI LI LI LI LI LI.-.LI`-.   all of her money and
  \ _/.____|_|______.------,______|_|_____)  laid it in front of
                   /      /                  her.  The other two
                 =/      /               asked, "What are you
                =/      /            doing?"
               =/      /
        jgs    /_____,'      She replied, "They always find the
                            richest first."

  The second woman got out all her makeup and started to tart
  herself up. The other two women asked "What are you doing?"

  She replied, "They always find the prettiest first."

  Now the woman sitting closest to the window was a black woman,
  she took off all her clothes and sat with her legs wide open in
  the chair showing off her pussy.  The other two asked her, "What
  are you doing?"

  She replied, "They always find the black box first."
         _                                                 _
        (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
        (_.===============================================._)

  A Mom's Wisdom
                                               _
       THINGS ONLY A MOM CAN TEACH            /_`\
                                              )"/ )
  1.  My Mother taught me about               (`(,(
      ANTICIPATION...                        ./_.')
      "Just wait until we get home."        _.`-;-'\
                                          .'/  /___/
  2.  My Mother taught me about         .' /   / //
      RECEIVING....                  __/_.'    |(\`\
      "You are going to get  --''-- /'_.]--''- _\| `-| ---jgs.--'
      it when we get home!"         `"""'      `""  `

  3.  My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
      "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ...
      Don't talk back to me!"

  4.  My Mother taught me LOGIC...
      "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're
      not going to the store with me."
              _,,,_
            .'     `'.   5.  My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
           /     ____ \      "If you don't stop crossing your eyes,
          |    .'_  _\/      they are going to freeze that way."
          /    ) a  a|
         /    (    > |   6.  My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
        (      ) ._  /       "If you don't pass your spelling test,
        )    _/-.__.'`\      you'll never get a good job."
       (  .-'`-.   \__ )
        `/      `-./  `. 7.  My Mother taught me ESP...
         |    \      \  \    "Put your sweater on; don't you think
    jgs  |     \   \  \  \   I know when you're cold?"
         |\     `. /  /   \

  8.  My Mother taught me HUMOR...
      "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come
      running to me."

  9.  My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
      "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

  10. My Mother taught me about SEX....
      "How do you think you got here?"

  11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
      "You're just like your father."

  12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
      "Do you think you were born? In a barn?"

  13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
      "When you get to be my age, you will understand.

  14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
      "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out
      just like you....Then you'll see what it's like."

         _                                                 _
        (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
        (_.===============================================._)

                                                            _     .-.
       John Nunley  -  [email protected]            ( `. .'   )
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                ASCII Art by Joan Stark                       |   |
               http://www.ascii-art.com/                      |   |
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