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|__ __| | January 30, 2001
| | | |__ ___ Tuesday
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.-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____
( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \
`\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___
| | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163
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| \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S
| |
| | M I D W E E K E D I T I O N
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'--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated
jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny.
Did you know that each week more than 50 cartoons or funny pictures
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The Dinner Party

A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone
was encouraged to bring their children. All during the sit-down
dinner one co-worker's three-year-old girl _____
stared at the man sitting across from her. ."` `".
The girl could hardly eat her food __ / \ __
for staring. The man checked his / & /"""""\ & \
tie, felt his face for food, patted / /\ /` 9 9 `\ /\ \
his hair in place but nothing stopped | | /` ^ `\ | |
her from staring at him. / / \ '-' / \ \
He tried his best to just ignore /.-' `-._____.-`jgs`-.\
her but finally it was too much for
him. He asked her "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went
quiet for her response. The little girl said "I just want to see
how you drink like a fish."
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The Appropriate Sign

A new shop opened in the Columbia Mall. It had no sign on either
the door or window. About the closest thing to any identification
___ was a large clock in the window. This Yuppie
.'___'. shopper stopped in and inquired about a new
/.'12 '.\ battery for his watch and the clerk said that
// \\ he was sorry but they didn't perform any watch
;| \ |; repairs at all.
||9 . 3||
;| / |; The Yuppie said, "Well, what's the significance
\\ // of that clock you have in your window?"
\'._6_.'/
jgs '.___.' The clerk smiled and said, "This is a clinic
for the Howard County Hospital. All we do here
is prostate and hemorrhoid exams. What would you have us put in
the window?"

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Trouble For The Captain

A Fire Captain goes to a house of prostitution. He selects a girl,
pays her $200 up front, and he gets undressed. She's about to take
off her sheer blue negligee, when the fire alarms rings!
_,..=xxxxxxxxxxxx,
She runs out of the room, with his $200 /L_Y.-"""""""""`,--n.
still in her hand. He quickly grabs his .--'[=======]|L]J: []\
clothes and runs out after her. He's |/ _ ''_ " " ||[ -_ 4 |
searching the building, but the smoke '-(_)-(_)----'v'-(_)--'
gets too heavy, so he runs outside looking
for her. By this time, the firemen are there. He sees one of them
and asks, "Did you see a beautiful blonde, in a sheer blue negligee,
with $200 in her hand?"

The fireman says, "No Captain!"

The guy then says, "Well, if you see her, screw her. It's paid for."
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Free Form Theorization Contest Results

HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics)
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant.
If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When .------.
a Bostonian "pahks his cah," the lost R's migrates | = )
southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and | __ \
invest in "erl" wells. |__| \__\

4th RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability Theory)
_____ If an infinite number of rednecks riding
_____|LI|_\\__ in an infinite number of pickup trucks
[ _ [^ _ `) fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds
jgs `"""(_)"""""(_)~ at an infinite number of highway signs,
they will eventually produce all the
world's great literary works in Braille.

3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Bio-Mechanics)
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on
your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums
unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to
even it out.

2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic Logic)
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they
have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate
technical ideas at a faster rate. KWIM?

1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics),@@@@@,
The earth may spin faster on its ..,. ,@@@@@@/@@, .oo8888o.
axis due to deforestation. ,&%%&%&&%,@@@@@/@@@@@@,8888\88/8o
Just as a figure skater's ,%&\%&&%&&%,@@@\@@@/@@@88\88888/88'
rate of spin increases when %&&%&%&/%&&%@@\@@/ /@@@88888\88888'
the arms are brought in %&&%/ %&%%&&@@\ V /@@' `88\8 `/88'
close to the body, the cut- `&%\ ` /%&' |.| \ '|8'
ting of tall trees may cause |o| | | | |
our planet to spin dangerously |.| | | | |
fast. jgs \\/ ._\//_/__/ ,\_//__\\/. \

GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual Motion)
_, When a cat is dropped, it always lands on
// /)/) its feet, and when toast is dropped, it
|| / ..\ always lands with its buttered side down.
\\.----' ,_Y/ It was proposed to strap giant slabs of
\ ( hot buttered toast to the backs of a
l \_/ | hundred tethered cats; the two opposing
| /`/| // forces will cause the cats to hover,
jgs \_)_)\_)) spinning inches above the ground. Using
the giant buttered toast/cat array, a
high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
_ _
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_ .-.
John Nunley - [email protected] ( `. .' )
`. ` /'
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