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|__ __| | December 21, 2000
| | | |__ ___ Thursday
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| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
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|(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163
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| \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S
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| | F R I D A Y E D I T I O N
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Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren't

_
/ \ -Did you get any under the tree?
| -I think your balls are hanging too low.
| -Check out Rudolph's Honker!
_j_ -Santa's sack is really bulging.
| | -Lift up the skirt so I can get
_.-"""""-._ a clean breath.
.::' '. -Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
/::' /\ \ -I love liking the end until it's
;::' |\_ / ( ; really sharp and pointy.
|: ) \oO__/ | -From here you can't tell if they're
;' `-'.O\ ; artifical or real.
\ / / / -Can I interest you some dark meat?
jgs '._ \_( _.' -To get it to stand up straight, try
'-.....-' propping it against the wall.
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Santa Claus Might Be A Woman!

I think Santa Claus is a woman. I hate to be _..-"""---._
the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe .-" '.
he's a she. Think about it. Christmas .t __ '.
is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, /` .\_.--' ;
nurturing, social deal, and I have a | ' . ; __ __ ;
tough time believing a guy could \' ./`--' .`'---'. '--`\
possibly pull it all off! For starters, '-'{ . ' .. ' . }
the vast majority of men don't even think \_.._._,.___..___..__/
about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. \_.' / '. .' \ '._/
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised // \o) )( (o/ \\
to find only Ronco products, socket wrench \\ / \ //
sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. /\_, .\__/. ,_/\
/ /(_.' '._)\ \
On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is ; \ /\ / ;
a woman. Surely, if he were a man, every- |) '---'`\/`'---' ) |
one in the universe would wake up Christmas | } { }|
morning to find a rotating musical ChiaPet ; { ( ) ;
under the tree, still in the bag. Another \( ( /
problem for a he-Santa would be getting '. } ) .'
there. First of all, there would be no rein- `"-...__...-"`
deer because they would be strapped on to the
rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that
buck season had been extended. Even if the male Santa DID have
reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he
would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and
then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: Men can't pack
a bag. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be
seen with all those elves. Men don't answer their mail. (unless
it's email) Men would refuse to allow their physique to be
described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a
"bowlful of jelly." Men aren't interested in stockings unless
somebody's wearing them. Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would
seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. Finally,
being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are
men: Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking
ominous - Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one
of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening
test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.
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Santa Is Probably A Man

HO .----.
HO .' ,_ \ It is precisely because Christmas is
_ HO /__ ( \| an "organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing
/ ( . {___`'-.\{_} social deal" that Santa has to be a man.
| `|_ /6)6`'-._}
\_.'_} |/_ _7 | Delegation... that's the key. Just
{_.'| |5-.' /( imagine if a woman was trying to delegate
| \{\ /:'`} all of those tasks and obligations to
\ /.\__/ _.'`\ her underlings. Christmas would be as
\ ; o ``` \ ambiguous as the spring equinox.
; o \ \_ Nobody would know what day of the
| o \.'` } year we were going to celebrate
; o_ {__.'\ it on.
\==[_]=======|/) |
`; .' /_/\ _\8/_ ,;;,
/ `- / / \ \ _(7_|o o o|.-\;;/-.
/ /\ \ \ \ |\ \\| o o ||__||__|
{`-._/ \ _.'`} \ \ __|\\ \|o o o||""||""|____
;-.__} {__.'\ /(_\ _\/ |_\\_|-----'|__||__| /__
__/ / \_ \ '---'.|\________________________/---`
( ` / / / /(___`\_/|_________________/|_______
jgs '.__/ (__.' '-----------------------------------`

It takes a man to organize a commercial event as huge as
Christmas. What with the ads, the parades, the football, and
(usually) the basketball, the sheer immensity of the task
would overwhelm most females. We'd have to plan football
schedules around lunch instead of the other way around. Or
worse yet... there might not be any football at all.
(Shudder) That's a scary thought.

If Santa was a female, the toys might never be delivered. It
would take a she-Santa until New Year's Eve to get dressed
(for the third time) and out of the bathroom. And just try
harnessing those reindeer with freshly painted nails. Never
happen. Once she got underway, she'd be too busy talking on
the cell phone to her girl friends to get all the way around
the world to every girl and boy's house in a single year,
let alone a single night.

If Santa was female, the whole idea of gift giving would be
unrecognizable. Everybody would get socks, or ties, or
aftershave, or fuzzy slippers every year. There would be
none of the noise making, shoot 'em up, battery operated
windfalls that kids love. Bicycles would all come complete
with helmets and knee pads. And training wheels so nobody
could get hurt. Toy soldiers would be replaced by books on
improving one's self esteem. Christmas just wouldn't be the
same.

I'll tell you another reason why Santa has to be a man (AND
a football fan). Look at the names of his reindeer...
Dasher, Comet, Blitzen... If those aren't male names for
football players, than I'm an elf.
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RE: Chrismukah
Subject: UNEXPECTED MERGER

Continuing the current trend of large-scale ,-,
mergers and acquisitions, it was ,._ .' ( ..-,
today at a press conference that | .`'. / ' |.'` .|
Christmas and Hanukkah will merge.\ . \| : / .' /
An industry source said that ,__; ' ; : ; . _;_
the deal had been in the | `'-. \ /; _.'` '-._
works about 1300 years. \ ' . '. ()0()/ . .. ' /
While details were not available '.__ '_()()0()._ _.'
at press time, it is believed .' ``` ,(0()-._ ````-.
that the overhead cost of having / ' .'.|.\ .`'. ' . \
twelve days of Christmas and | ' ./ . ; \ . \.__.-`
eight days of Hanukkah was '--'`| . / ' '.__ '\
becoming prohibitive for both jgs ) _.'\ . / ```
sides. By combining forces, `` '. (
we're told, the world will be able to enjoy ``
consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days
of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids
a-milking being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the
dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus
becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there,"
the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous
stuff happens."

In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use
Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and
delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least
three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children
could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten
meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were
finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about
this.

Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to
maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press
conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of
"Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful.
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_ .-.
John Nunley - [email protected] ( `. .' )
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