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|__ __| | December 17, 2000
| | | |__ ___ Sunday
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| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163
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| \_,
| | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S
| |
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,_ -=[ 12 Days Of Redneck Christmas ]=-
)\
/,( On the 12 days of Christmas,
\)/ my true love gave to me:
.--"T"--.
|`"-----"`| A 12 pack of Bud
|:. | 11 rasslin' tickets
|:: | 10 tins of Copenhagen
,-|::. |-, 9 years probation
\`"--...--"`/ 8 table dancers
'-. .-' 7 packs of Red Man
`| |` 6 cans of Spam
,| | 5 flannel shirts
,\\///, \ 4 big mud tires
\\()</() '. 3 shotgun shells
'>>//()\\\ '-. 2 huntin' dawgs
>>//<\\\<<___.-' and
jgs `""` some parts to a Mustang GT.
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The Nativity Scene

|
-=*=- m w n
(| (} | {) {\ {)
|/||\ {\ $_>&_>%_>
| || ___o /|/_ | \| \| \
jgs | || X--X |__\ |__\__\__\

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene"
that showed great skill and talent had gone into
creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three
wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally
unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the
lady behind the counter about the helmets. She
exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees
never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did,
but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the
Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and
ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her
finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right
here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
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Christmas Songs For The Mentally Disturbed

SCHIZOPHRENIA
Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER
We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC
Deck the Halls and Walls
and House and Lawn and
Streets and Stores and
Office and Town and Cars
and Busses and Trucks and .-"``""-.
Trees and Fire Hydrants /_\_ _ _ _\
and..... |/{ ` ` ` `}
{} {,_,_,_,_}
PARANOID )/ a a \(
Santa Claus is (<o_()_o>)
Coming to Get Me. | /_)(_\ |
\ /
PERSONALITY DISORDER jgs '.____.'
You Better Watch Out,
I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
Maybe I'll tell you why.

DEPRESSION
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat,
All is Lonely.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock ........
....(better start again)
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J I N G L E \ (__
'.__`'-.
B E L L S `'. \
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__..--''__``--../ \_/\.'
.'`__..--`` ``--..\ \ /
| ( '--'
\ ;--.
/\_/ \__ .--.
\ \ /__`'--/\_/ \
'--' `'--\ / /----.
'--`-----.`\
__) |
.'__.'
jgs /_(

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love
Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
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Gift Ideas For Men

.-"""-. Christmas is just around the
/` .--.\ corner, so it's time for me to
; .' .-:| share some gift ideas for those
|._.|_._| () special men in your life!
/\// \\\\/\ .:::. Buying gifts for men is
< //0 0\\ > _\d8b/_ not as nearly as
`\ > /` | \ \ \ | complicated as it is
_\ '=' /_ |\ \ \ \| for women. Follow
/`||`---`||`\ |_\_\_\_| these rules and you
/\ |\_____/| /\ \_|/ should have no problems.
/\ \/ \/ /\ /\-'
/\ /| o |\ /\/\/ Rule #1:
\-< | | \ /|/ When in doubt - buy him a cordless
\/\| o | `"` drill. It does not matter if he
\/\ | already has one. I have a friend
/|\ o | who owns 17 and he has yet to
`;-------;' complain. As a man, you can never
| | | have too many cordless drills.
\___T___/ For that matter, any power tool is
|==|==| a good choice. He may not need it,
jgs |==|==| or know what it does, but it will
o |==|==| o look good hung on the peg board in
/(__/._T_.\__)\ the garage.
\ | | /
`""""` `""""` Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with
the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two
words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK.
Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?"

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car.
A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something
to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for
their cars.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties and never buy
men bathrobes. If God had wanted men to wear bathrobes,
he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones
they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your
man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner.
Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do,
it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink
whiskey or beer.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-
shave or deodorant. We do not stink - we are earthy.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills.
Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely
everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock.
Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required"
on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will
always have parts left over.

Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works,
Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center,
and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance
Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter
if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must
be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a
'68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they
will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound
propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill!
The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12:
Tickets to a professional sports game (any team within
300 miles) are a smart gift. However, he will not
appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century
Quilts."

Rule #13:
Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love
a chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer
to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an
aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a
step ladder. It must be an extension ladder.

Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our
cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing
says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope.

Rule #16:
Clamps. Men can never have enough quick grip clamps.
No one knows why.

Rule #17:
Buy your man Duct Tape. This is a man's most
universal repair tool. All men know, if you can't
fix it, duct it.

______________________
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|`. | | | | ````````````,) \ `-' /
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| `-;___ | `-----' ___
| /\``---..._____.' _ _...--''' ``-._
| | \ /\\` `._
| | ) __..--''\___/ \\ _.-'```''-._ `;
| | / / .' \\_.-' ````
| | / |_.-.___| .-. .'~
| `( | `-' `-' ;`._
| `. jgs \__ ___.' //`-._ _,,,
| ) ``--../ \ // `-.,,,..-' `;
`----------' \//,_ _.-'
^ ```--...___..-'
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(_.===============================================._)

_ .-.
John Nunley - [email protected] ( `. .' )
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