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|__ __| | September 26, 2000
| | | |__ ___ Tuesday
| | | '_ \ / _ \
.-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____
( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \
`\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___
| | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163
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| \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S
| |
| | M I D W E E K E D I T I O N
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Bob looks like a golf pro in his designer outfit, but he slices his
first drive deep into the woods. Rather than accept a penalty, he
decides to try using an iron to get back on the fairway. But his
ball ricochets off a tree and strikes him on the forehead, killing
him. When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him.

"You look like a golfer. Are you any good?"

Bob replies, "I got here in two, didn't I?"
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'-._ ```"""---.._
,-----.:___ `\ ,;;;,
'-.._ ```"""--.._ |,%%%%%% _
, '. `\;;;; -\ _ _.'/\
.' `-.__ \ ,;;;;" .__{=====/_)==:_ ||
,===/ ```";,,,,,,,;;;;;'`-./.____,'/ / '.\/
'---/ ';;;;;;;;' `--.._.' /
,===/ '-. `\/
'---/ ,'`. |
; __.-' \ ,'
jgs \______,,.....------'''`` `---`

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.
. . .'. \ /
\ / .'. .' '.' ' -= o =-
-= o =- .' ' / | \
The major's wife... / | \ |
| |
| |
| .=====|
My father, an Army major, |=====. |.---.|
was conducting a field |.---.| ||=o=||
test when communications ||=o=|| || ||
went dead. Immediately, || || || ||
he jumped into a jeep and || || ||___||
ordered a sergeant to ||___|| |[:::]|
speed to the command jgs |[:::]| '-----'
station. '-----'

When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their
arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook my
father's hand.

"Don't congratulate me, sir," my father said modestly as he pointed
to his driver. "It was all the sergeant's doing."

The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant.
"Congratulations," he said. "The major's wife just had a baby girl."

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) ) (
( . ( . ) ' (
A gay man went to heaven. W ,_,' . ( ' ) '
At the Great Gate, Saint | ( ) ( ) , ) ( (
Peter was waiting for him. |->Y< ) , ) ( ) ) ` )
After reviewing his ,| ) (\_v(_'_)(._'__,( ('__)(__
records, Saint Peter |:::::::>/:::\/:::::::\ /:::::::>
decided to let him in. |:::|__ |:::||:::|_|::||:::|__
|::::::> |:::||:::::::/ |::::::>
"Follow me," he said, |:::| |:::||:::|\::\ |:::|
opening the gate and |:::| |:::||:::| |::\|:::|___
walking in. After \:::/ \:::/\:::/ \::/\:::::::>
walking some, Saint
Peter's keys accidentally _\/ . \/_
_ __ . _\/ \/_ .
fell on the ground. Unaware, /_||\ || \ . ' \_/ ' .
he bent over to pick up the | || \||__/ ->->->_<-<-<-
keys. That was something ' ._/ \_. '
the gay man just couldn't * . _/\ /\_ . *
resist, so he jumped on him * /\ ' /\
and did his thing. _.-._ _.---.__ __..---.
( _)( _.._)(_ _)
Saint Peter was furious. |'._,' ||`--'___/ | '-._;`/ *
"If you do that again, | || (.--. | _._]
you'll go straight to hell! | || `-._)| `-.`)
Now follow me, we're almost _\/_._\/_/ \______/ \______/
there." . _\/ \/_ . *
. ' \_/ ' . *
After some more walking, ->->->_<-<-<-
St Peter dropped his keys ' ._/ \_. ' *
again, and once more, the . _/\ /\_ .
gay man jumped on him. /\ ' /\ * jgs

Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give
the gay guy one last chance. Again they walk, and for the third time
St. Peter drops his keys, and bends over to pick them up. The gay
guy, having absolutely no self control, jumps on him.

Saint Peter is now fed up, and sends the gay guy straight to hell.
A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine
inspection, but this time something is wrong... it is freezing, no
fire, no lava, and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a
stack of blankets freezing his ass off.

"Why is it so damn cold down here?" St Peter asks.

"Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!" the devil replied.

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`'::::.
Bill Gates New House... _____A_
/ /\
__/__/\__/ \___
Bill Gates called his contractor and --/__|" '' "|/___/\----
said, in a disgruntled tone: "There |''|"'||'"| |' '||
are a few issues we need to discuss." `""`""))""`"`""""`

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free
for the first 90 days and $75.00 per call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah.... The first issue is the living room. We think it's
a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the
release date."

Bill: "But we won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new,
larger living room or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker???"

Contractor: "Yeah. It allows you to fit twice as much furniture into
the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center
on the couch... the chairs on the table...etc. You leave an empty
spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can un-stack what
you need and then put it back when you're done."

Bill: "Uh...I dunno??? Anyway, the second issue is the light
fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit.
The threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play.
You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
_
.---/ '____ Bill: "And the electrical outlets?
_________' | .----' The holes are round, not
jgs---------. | |____ rectangular. How do I fix
'---\_.----' that?

Contractor: "Just un-install and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."
.----------------.
Bill, sighing: "Oh, well... I have ;----------------;
one last problem. Sometimes when I | ~~ .------. |
have guests over, someone will | / \ |
flush the toilet and it won't stop. | / \ |
The water pressure drops so low the | | | | ,----.
showers don't work." | \ , , / | =|____|=
'---,########,---' (---(
Contractor: "That's a resource /##' '##\ )---)
leakage problem. One fixture is |##, ,##| (---(
failing to terminate and is bogging \'######'/ '---`
the resource preventing access from \`""""`/
other fixtures." |`""`|
.-| |-.
Bill: "And how do I fix that?" / ' ' \ jgs
'----------'
Contractor: "Well, after each flush,
you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street,
turn it back on, re-enter the house and then you can get back to
doing your duty."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling
me?"

Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it, nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will it be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house, which will be ready to release
sometime near the end of next year. Actually, it was due out this
year, but we've had some delays..."
_ _
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_ .-.
John Nunley - [email protected] ( `. .' )
`. ` /'
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