_______ _
                      |__   __| |                  September 17, 2000
                         | |  | |__   ___                      Sunday
                         | |  | '_ \ / _ \
 .-.     _     ______    | |  | | | |  __/    ____
(   `. .' )   |  ____|   |_|  |_| |_|\___|   |  _ \
 `\   ` .'    | |__ _   _ _ __  _ __  _   _  | |_) | ___  _ __   ___
   |   |      |  __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | |  _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
   |   |      | |  | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | |  __/
   | 66|_     |_|   \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
   |  ,__)                             __/ |
   |(,_|                              |___/           ISSN: 1527-6163
   | |
   | \_,
   |   |               T H E    S U N D A Y    F U N N I E S
   |   |
 .'     \
(    ,   )    You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies.
 '--' '-'     A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated
              jokes.  Sometimes a bit risque but always funny.  See
the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe.  For
more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

        V I R U S   A L E R T    -    V I R U S   A L E R T

There is a new and potentially very dangerous e-mail virus making
the rounds.  If you receive a message with the subject "Polish
Virus", delete it immediately.  DO NOT OPEN IT.  If you were to
open the e-mail virus, here is what you would see...


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
             You have just received the "Polish Virus".

      As we don't have any programming experience, this virus
      works on the honor system.  Please delete all the files
      on your hard drive, then manually forward this virus to
      everyone in your address book.

                  Thank you for your cooperation.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


...If you do receive this virus, do NOT follow these instructions.
Deleting all the files on your hard drive is, in general, considered
to be a bad thing to do.  It will result in the loss of data and may
make your computer inoperable.

   Please forward this warning to your friends and loved ones.

        _       http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/       _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                 Origin of the word DEMOCRAT...
                                                            (\_/)
                                                    .-""-.-"\  '\
In the reign of Charles the first, king of         /  \      _.--'
England, a certain Frenchman brought a rat        (\  /_---\\_\_
into London for a public show: he had              `'-.
learned this little animal to imitate         jgs   ,__)
almost every human action and gesture. As
the Frenchman did not well understand the English language, he called
his little imitative companion, "de mock rat," that is "the mimicking
rat."

About the same time, innumerable swarms of demagogues, made their
appearance in London, preaching the doctrine of non-resistance and
passive obedience. The populace, highly displeased with their
doctrines and perceiving many gestures and pranks in these
demagogues, which resembled the Frenchman's rat, called each one "de
mock rat."

The name was easily changed to "Democrat," and applied to every
bawling demagogue, who preached the doctrines of non-resistance and
passive obedience.

        _       http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/       _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)
        _____
       /     \______
      |            |        Microsoft Ad Campaign
      |   _________|__
      |  /           /
      | /           /       Microsoft's ad slogan for Windows 95
 jgs  |/___________/        was "Where do you want to go today?"
                                                     _____
We now have Windows 98 and Windows 2000,            /     \______
plus of course, the veteran Windows 3.x.           |  .-""-.     |
Each new version promised more, greater            | /      \    |
stability, etc., but the differences               | \      /    |
between them escape most of us.  That              |  '-..;\     |
said, here are a few alternative slogans      jgs  |_______\\____|
for the bloated OS:                                         \|

 1. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.
 2. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!
 3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and it's shell.
 4. Microsoft gives you Windows - we need the whole house.
 5. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.
 6. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.
 7. Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.
 8. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better.
 9. I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I'm trying.
10. My latest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.
11. Mac OS ... Opens up Windows, shuts                    _.-;;-._
    up Gates.                                      '-..-'|   ||   |
12. Out of disk space. Delete Windows?             '-..-'|_.-;;-._|
   [Y]es [H]ell Yes!                               '-..-'|   ||   |
13. Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire      jgs   '-..-'|_.-''-._|
    game you can buy.
14. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to
    empty.
15. How do you want to crash today?

        _       http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/       _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                                                          ________
                                                         |.------.|
                       George's Doctor...                || MD ()||
                                                  ////   ||____/\||
                                                  F..(   '--------'
After his annual physical, George                _\ _/
was waiting in the doctor's office         .----/ '-'`\-----.
for the results.                          | '.'| |__|\ \.'.'|
                                          |_____\\  \ \_\_ _|
"Well," said the doctor, "I have          |\______/ / |'-'___\
good news and bad news for you."           |-----/_/|_|------|
                                        jgs|     \_)\_)      |
"The way I feel, please give me the
good news first," replied George.

"The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your penis has grown
an additional four inches since your last exam."

"Great!" George shouted.  "What's the bad news?"

"It's malignant," replied the doctor.

            -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --
                                                        ________
                                                       |.------.|
After his heart-transplant operation,                  || MD ()||
George was receiving instructions from         ////    ||____/\||
his doctor. He was placed on a strict          F..(    '--------'
diet, denied tobacco and advised to            \ _/
get at least eight hours sleep a night.       /'-'\
                                             | |__|\
Finally, George asked, "What about my         \)  |\)
sex life, Doc?  Will it be all right           / /|
for me to have intercourse?"                  /_/_|
                                              \_)\_)    jgs
"Just with your wife," responded the
doctor. "We don't want you to get too excited."

            -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

        ________
              ||
              ||      George, unfortunately, once spent some time in
         \\\\ ||      a mental hospital. All day long he had his ear
          )..)||      to the wall, listening. The doctor would watch
          \_ /||      George do this day after day.  The doctor
         / '-'\|      finally decided to see what he was listening
        | |__|||      to, so he put his ear up to the wall and
         \|  |/|      listened. He heard nothing.
          / /|||
         /_/_|||      He turned to his patient and said, "I don't
 jgs     \_)\_)|      hear anything."

    George said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)
                                                           _     .-.
      John Nunley  -  [email protected]            ( `. .'   )
                                                           `. `   /'
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                                                           (__,  |
      For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website           L_,)|
           http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/                 | |
                                                             ,_/ |
               ASCII Art by Joan Stark                       |   |
              http://www.ascii-art.com/                      |   |
                                                            /     '.
Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved.   (   ,    )
                                                            '-' '--'
     ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark
 please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art
      http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm

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