_______

_______ _
|__ __| | August 20, 2000
| | | |__ ___ Sunday
| | | '_ \ / _ \
.-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____
( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \
`\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___
| | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163
| |
| \_,
| | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S
| |
.' \
( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies.
'--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated
jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See
the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For
more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/
_ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

________________________
\\\\\\// / \
1. Well, this day was a \\\ \ | USEFUL ONE-LINERS |
total waste of makeup. \\ (oo) | FOR MANY SITUATIONS |
2. Well, aren't we \\C \ \___ ___________________/
just a ray of \\ __\ |/
sunshine? jgs ) _\ .
3. Make yourself at / _\ . '
home! Clean my kitchen. /`
4. Who are these kids and why
are they calling me Mom?
5. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
6. Do I look like a people person?
7. This isn't an office -- it's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
9. You! Off my planet!.
10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
11. Did the aliens forget to remove your probe?
12. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil.
13. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
14. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
15. Better living through denial.
16. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
17. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
18. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
19. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
20. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
21. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
22. I have a computer & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the
house?
23. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend.
_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

New Words to an old Dylan Song

_n_
How many roads must a man drive down =/ \=
Before he admits he is lost `\|/`
Why when a man becomes married is he |||
unable to find his own socks. |||
|||
How many times will it take 'til he knows |||
he has seen the three stooges enough |||
/\ |||
The answer my friend, I cannot comprehend | `-.|||, _.;
The answer, I cannot comprehend ; ||| ` |
\ /|||\ .'
How many shows can a man surf through `)\|||/(`
before the remote burns out .' ||| '.
Why does he think that an intimate gift / ||| \
is a Dustbuster Plus for the house / _|||_ ;
| `"""""` |
How many sounds can a man's body make \ /
before he sleeps on the couch jgs '-.._____..-'

The answer my friend, is take two aspirin
The answer is take two aspirin

Why when we go for a romantic drive
do we wind up at Builder's Square again
How many nights will he leave the seat up
so I land on cold porcelain

How men really feel is mystery to me
and probably a mystery to them

The answer girlfriend is driving me to gin
The answer is driving me to gin.

_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

Seventeen signs that show you're Italian:

1. You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but
you still cry when your mother yells at you.

2. Your father owns five houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still
drives a '76 Monte Carlo.

3. You share a bathroom with your five brothers, have no money, but
drive a $45,000.00 Camaro.

4. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, and travel agent
are all blood relatives.
.-'''''-.
5. You consider dunking a pack of cookies in milk a |'-----'|
nutritious breakfast. |-.....-|
| |
6. Your 2 best friends are your | |
cousin and your brother- _,._ | |
in-law's brother-in-law. __.o` o`"-. | |
.-O o `"-.o O )_,._ | |
7. You are a card- ( o O o )--.-"`O o"-.`'-----'`
carrying V.I.P. at jgs '--------' ( o O o)
more than 3 dance clubs. `----------`

8. Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the
ladies by wearing your "Just Do Me" tank top.

9. At least five of your cousins live on your street.
\\\\\\,
10. All 5 of those cousins are named after your /.. \\\
grandfather. < D
\_-'_/
11. A high school diploma and 1 year of community <\ (>,_
college has earned you the title of "professor" / \Y/ /` \
among your aunts. || # | |
|| # | |
12. You are on a first name basis with at least /| # / /
8 banquet hall owners. / |=[]/ /
/__| /__/|
13. If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 8", //|| |/||\/
it is presumed your mother had an affair. | | |
| | |
14. There are more than 28 people in your bridal ( ( |
party. | | |
[_[___]
15. You netted more than $50,000 on your jgs (_(__,_|
first communion.

16. At some point in your life, you were a D.J.

17. Thirty years after immigrating, your parents still say "Pronto"
when answering the phone.

_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

_____
Peace At Last .-' | '-.
.' | '.
/ | \
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased ; | ;
a modest home near a junior high school. He | | |
spent the first few weeks of his retirement ; /|\ ;
in peace and contentment. \ /` | `\ /
'./` | `\.'
Then a new school year began. The very next '-.__|__.-'
afternoon three young boys, full of youthful,
after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on
every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued
day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to
take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists
as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said,
"You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance
like that. Used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do
me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come
around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash
cans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but
this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told
them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on
the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his
offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.

.---. A few days later, the wily retiree approached
|#__| them again as they drummed their way down the
=;===;= street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received
/ - - \ my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going
( _'.'_ ) to be able to give you more than 25 cents.
.-`-'^'-`-. Will that be okay?"
| `>o<' |
/ : \ "A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed.
/ /\ : /\ \ "If you think we're going to waste our time,
.-'-/ / .-. \ \-'-. beating these cans around for a quarter,
|_/ /-' '-\ \_| you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
/| | |\
(_| /^\ |_) And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for
| | | | the rest of his days.
jgs | | | |
'==='= ='==='
_ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

_ .-.
John Nunley - [email protected] ( `. .' )
`. ` /'
To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | |
message to [email protected] and your | |
address will automatically be removed. _|66 |
(__, |
For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)|
http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | |
,_/ |
ASCII Art by Joan Stark | |
http://www.ascii-art.com/ | |
/ '.
Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , )
'-' '--'
ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark
please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm