_______ _
                      |__   __| |                     August 15, 2000
                         | |  | |__   ___                     Tuesday
                         | |  | '_ \ / _ \
 .-.     _     ______    | |  | | | |  __/    ____
(   `. .' )   |  ____|   |_|  |_| |_|\___|   |  _ \
 `\   ` .'    | |__ _   _ _ __  _ __  _   _  | |_) | ___  _ __   ___
   |   |      |  __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | |  _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
   |   |      | |  | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | |  __/
   | 66|_     |_|   \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
   |  ,__)                             __/ |
   |(,_|                              |___/           ISSN: 1527-6163
   | |
   | \_,               T H E    S U N D A Y    F U N N I E S
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   |   |                  M I D W E E K    E D I T I O N
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       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
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        ____________________________________________________
       /   | | |     ___                  __                |
      |   / .-. \     / _/_ ) ,    _,    /__) _        /    |
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    jgs\___|_|_|_______________________________,__/_________|


                           A Proud Texan

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his
wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.
WOW!...from all...and congratulations all around...

Two weeks later he returned to the same bar. The bartender recognized
him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that
weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?" The
proud father answered, "10 pounds."  The bartender said, "Why, what
happened? He did weigh TWENTY pounds!"

The proud Texas father pulled a slow hard drink on a long neck beer,
wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and
proudly said,  "Just had him circumcised".

     If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend.
        _       http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/       _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                                                        .---.
                                                       /     \
Prove It, Old Timer                                    | - - |
                                                      (| ' ' |)
Old Pa Jones was getting ready to go into town         | (_) |
to apply for Social Security. Ma says, "You            `//=\\'
don't have a birth certificate. How are you            (((()))
gonna prove your age?"                                  )))((
                                                        (())))
"Now don't you worry, Ma," says Pa, and he               ))((
leaves for town.                                         (()
                                                     jgs  ))
Old Pa returns home a few hours later and                 (
reports that he'll be getting the first check in
about three weeks.

"So, how'd ya prove your age?" asks Ma.

"Easy," says Pa, smiling. "I just unbuttoned my shirt and showed 'em
all the gray hairs on my chest."

"Well, while you were at it," scolds Ma, "why didn't you drop your
pants and apply for disability?"

        _       http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/       _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)
                                __________________
                               /  _@___@___@___@_ \
                               |@/               \@|
The Mirror                     | |               | |
                               |@|      ,;;;-,   |@|
A brunette, redhead and        | |     /;/)))))  | |
blonde went to a fitness       |@|    (;/ . .((  |@|    .-;;;-.
spa for some fun and           | |    ):(   > )) | |   (((;(::(\
relaxation.  After a           |@|   (;)\  = |(  |@|    ).`\):):)
stimulating healthy            | |    )):) .'):) | |   <   (:(:(
lunch, all three decided       |@|   .:(:\_(_)(  |@|    =  `\:):\
to visit the ladies room       | |  /`::)    `\  | |    '--')(:(:)
and found a strange-           |@\_/___________\_/@|       )(::)"(
looking woman sitting      jgs \___@___@___@___@___/     .'   (::))
at the entrance who                                     / /   ;;-`
said, "Welcome to the                                   \/   / |
ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature:
a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you
will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something
false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of
nothingness for all eternity!"

The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the
brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three," and in
an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.

The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us
three," and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her
hands.

Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde
looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked
into the mirror.

        _       http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/       _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                                                     sSSSSSSs
TOP TWENTY SIGNS SHE IS GETTING BORED               SSS'\\\\SS
     HAVING SEX WITH YOU                           SSS` -  -'SS
                                                  SS(,  a  \a S
                                                 SSSSS    -' |S
20. After you request sex she replies,           'SSS\   '=  /S/|
    "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."              'S|`-. __.' / |
                                                 .-'|  `-.__.' .-\
19. Gets very upset when the ashtray            /  /-.    | | { _/
    falls off your ass.                            \_ }   | |  `|
                                                    |     | |   |
18. Actually answers when you ask                    '.   | |  .'
    "Who's your daddy?"                          jgs   '-.| |.'
                                                          `"`
17. Last time she screamed during sex was the
    first time she won at solitaire.

16. Only moans during commercial breaks.

15. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.

14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.

13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.

12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.

11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.

10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, yadda, yadda,
    yadda!"

 9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.

 8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.

 7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her
    pants on too.

 6. Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"

 5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating!!

 4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.

 3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.

 2. She yells out her own name.

 1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)
                                                           _     .-.
      John Nunley  -  [email protected]            ( `. .'   )
                                                           `. `   /'
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               ASCII Art by Joan Stark                       |   |
              http://www.ascii-art.com/                      |   |
                                                            /     '.
Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved.   (   ,    )
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     ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark
 please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art
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