_______ _
|__ __| | August 6, 2000
| | | |__ ___ Sunday
| | | '_ \ / _ \
.-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____
( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \
`\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___
| | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163
| |
| \_,
| | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S
| |
.' \
( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies.
'--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated
jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See
the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For
more humor visit
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_ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
Only In The USA
_____________[\_
/ _|_ .--..--\
...Can a pizza get to your house |) | [__][___\___
faster than an ambulance; | | -|- __ `\
_ _( .----. | | / \ [)
{ ) __ jgs `'---\__/-----------\__/--'
,---'_ .---'
\ \___
//'---,\ ...Are there handicap parking places
\\ in front of a skating rink;
jgs =='
...Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back to get
their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes right
up front;
...Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and then top it
all off with a DIET coke because they're concerned about their
weight;
...Do banks leave the doors open and then chain the pens to the
counter;
...Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and
put our useless junk in the garage;
...Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have "call
waiting" so we won't miss a call from someone we don't want to
talk to in the first place; ______________
.-' `-.
...Do we buy hot dogs in packages of (____________________)
ten and buns in packages of eight; ( )
jgs ( `----------------' )
...Do we use the word "Politics" to `------------------'
describe the process so well:
"Poli" (from Latin) means "many", and "tics", meaning blood-
sucking pests.
...Do banks have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend.
_
http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
The Airline Passenger's Bill Of Rights
_
-=\`\
If a passenger requests a refund for their |\ ____\_\__
ticket, the passenger shall be able to -=\c`""""""" "`)
obtain their refund within his/her lifetime. `~~~~~/ /~~`
-==/ / jgs
Airlines shall be fined for forcing passengers '-'
to sit in a plane on the runway for more than a
hour without providing topless dancing girls and an open bar.
Customers shall receive their checked luggage within 24 hours of
their arrival. They shall also be informed at what particular flea
market they can buy back the contents of their luggage.
_..--=--..._ Passengers sitting next to a crying
.-' '-. .-. baby will receive free alcohol and
/.' '.\/ / headphones.
|=- -=| (
\'. .'/\ \ Passengers shall be given information
'-.,_____ _____.-' '-' about why a flight has been delayed,
jgs [_____]=8 canceled or diverted to another
airport that sounds somewhat
believable without the employee
If a passenger's flight snickering or giggling.
is canceled he/she shall
be given directions to the nearest bus terminal.
.----------------. Passengers shall receive
|_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_I]___ accurate information about
.::. | _ : ; _ ) their airline's frequent flyer
jgs ':::'' ='-(_)----------=-(_)-' program or at least accurate
information about some other
airline's frequent flyer information.
_
http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
.---.
I was driving to work this morning when my Ford quit / (o \_
in the damp weather I was sitting in the car at the | -='.'"`
side of the highway, contemplating my next move, ) (
when a pigeon flew down and landed right in the _.=` \
middle of the hood of the car. It seemed _.=`. -. |
fairly tame, and I soon became fascin- .===:._ ' '. ; |
ated in watching it up close ________,.='`^~""``"====-' ,'
as it strutted around and '-========-""'"-=..,,,_____,.'
made cooing noises. `\ `\
jgs ,-'==,\
A few minutes passed, and two more ,-`==;
pigeons flew in and joined the first bird.
Pigeons seem to be attracted by crowds, and soon I was sitting there
with a whole hood full of pigeons, all cooing loudly and beginning to
change the color of my hood.
Gradually I noticed that the birds seemed to be trying to get my
attention, which was unnerving, since I had always regarded pigeons
as rather stupid birds. But, sure enough, several of them were
dragging a piece of rope around on the hood, and several others were
flying out in front of the car and returning to the hood.
All of a sudden, I realized what they were doing, so I yanked open
the door and wildly chased them all off...
...No damn way I was going to be pigeon-towed!!
_
http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
Horror stories about stupid users calling tech support abound. Here
are a few that came in my e-mail from my local computer tech person.
_______
| ___ o|
Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press |[_-_]_ |
the control and escape keys at the ______________ |[_____]|
same time. That brings up a task |.------------.| |[_____]|
list in the middle of the screen. || || |[====o]|
Now type the letter 'P' to bring || || |[_.--_]|
up the Program Manager." || || |[_____]|
|| || | :|
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." ||____________|| | :|
.==.|"" ...... |.==.| :|
Tech Support: "On your |::| '-.________.-' |::|| :|
keyboard, Bob." |''| (__________)-.|''||______:|
`""`_.............._\""`______
Customer: "What do you mean?" /:::::::::::'':::\`;'-.-. `\
/::=========.:.-::"\ \ \--\ \
Tech Support: "'P' on your \`""""""""""""""""`/ \ \__) \
keyboard, Bob." jgs `""""""""""""""""` '========'
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Overheard in a computer shop:
.---.
/ \ Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
\.@-@./
/`\_/`\ Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large
// _ \\ variety."
| \ )|_
/`\_`> <_/ \ Customer: "But will they be compatible with my
jgs\__/'---'\__/ computer?"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Tech Support: "All right...now double-click .----------------.
on the File Manager icon." | _ |
| _.-'|'-._ |
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows- | .__.| | | |
because of the icons. I'm a Protestant, | |_.-'|'-._| |
and I don't believe in icons." | '--'| | | |
| '--'|_.-'`'-._| |
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an jgs| '--' ` |
industry term sir. I don't Believe it '----------------'
was meant to-"
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe
in icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of
a filing cabinet... are 'little pictures' OK?"
Customer: [click]
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Customer: "My computer crashed!" _...._
.() '()
Tech Support: "It crashed?" /: \-""-./ \
/:' / \ \ \
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play |:' | ^ /'-._|
my game." |:' | ,_ ,'_.---;`
\:.\ ';` /
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control- \:.\ \ /
Alt-Delete to reboot." jgs '-:\____\.-'
Customer: "No, it didn't crash... it crashed!"
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed
my spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division
for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just
couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors
would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors
are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination
of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the
rainbow printed fine except for yellow.
I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete
and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for
help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of trouble
shooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to
us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a
piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
_)
.--'
__(__
/` | `\ And another user was all confused about why
| Q | the cursor always moved in the opposite
|___|___| direction from the movement of the mouse.
| | She also complained that the buttons were
| | difficult to depress. She was very
| | embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the
\ / mouse so the tail pointed away from her.
jgs '.___.'
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
_
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for _ /_)
help with a Windows installation that had (/|
gone terribly wrong. Customer: "I brought __|___
my Windows disks from work to install them ./ \.
on my home computer." ./) (\.
(______________)
Training stresses that we are "not the ((( )))
Software Police," so I let the little act ((( ^ ^ )))
of piracy slide. (( @ @ ))
(c C o)>
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?" \ ___, /
\_ _/ jgs
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns `--'
out they weren't initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk.
Would you like to initialize it?'"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be
blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't
read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them.
And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole
office. Did I do something wrong?"
_ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
_ .-.
John Nunley -
[email protected] ( `. .' )
`. ` /'
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/ '.
Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , )
'-' '--'
ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark
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