_______ _
                      |__   __| |                      August 3, 2000
                         | |  | |__   ___                    Thursday
                         | |  | '_ \ / _ \
 .-.     _     ______    | |  | | | |  __/    ____
(   `. .' )   |  ____|   |_|  |_| |_|\___|   |  _ \
 `\   ` .'    | |__ _   _ _ __  _ __  _   _  | |_) | ___  _ __   ___
   |   |      |  __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | |  _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
   |   |      | |  | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | |  __/
   | 66|_     |_|   \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
   |  ,__)                             __/ |
   |(,_|                              |___/           ISSN: 1527-6163
   | |
   | \_,               T H E    S U N D A Y    F U N N I E S
   |   |
   |   |                    F R I D A Y    E D I T I O N
 .'     \
(    ,   )    You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies.
 '--' '-'     A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated
              jokes.  Sometimes a bit risque but always funny.  See
the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe.  For
more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                                                  .-----...-----.
                                                 / .-._______.-. \
           Like Lot's Wife                       \  ` /_____\ `  /
                                                  '--'| | | |'--'
                                                      | | | |
The Sunday school teacher was describing              | | | |
how Lot's wife looked back and turned                 | | | |
into a pillar of salt, when little Jimmy              | | | |
interrupted.                                          | | | |
                                                      | | | |
"My Mommy looked back once while she was              |_|_|_|
driving," he announced triumphantly,                _/_______\_
"and she turned into a telephone pole!"         jgs|___________|

     If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend.
        _       http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/       _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                                                      .-""""-.
                                                     /      / \
Service with a Smile                                 |.--'"`\_|
                                                     (  '/ '  )
                                                      \  -   /
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in              _`)  (`_
a Midwest town he planned to visit on his           /`  '--'  `\
vacation.  He wrote:                               /    _,,_    \
                                                  /   /`    `\   \
I would very much like to bring my dog            /\_/ / 6 6\ \_/\
with me.  He is well-groomed and very             \  \/\  Y /\/  /
well behaved.  Would you be willing to             \ \/ `'U` \/ /
permit me to keep him in my room with               \(  \  /  )/
me at night?                                         |\_/  \_/|
                                                     /  ____  \
An immediate reply came from the hotel               \ ( || ) /
owner, who said, I've been operating this            (__)||(__)
hotel for many years.  In all that time,              |  ||  |
I've never had a dog steal towels,                    |  ||  |
bedclothes or silverware or pictures off       jgs    |__||__|
the walls.                                            /  |/  |
                                                     /  //  /
I've never had to evict a dog in the middle         `""` `"`
of the night for being drunk and disorderly.
And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.  Yes, indeed,
your dog is welcome at my hotel.  And, if your dog will vouch for
you, you're welcome to stay here, too.

        _       http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/       _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

               ___  .-.
              /   `~'. |            The New Dog
              \__/   a`a_
               |         P
               \    .__='           A guy gets a new dog and he
                |,.,./              can't wait to show him off to
    ,_        _/`'`'`b              his neighbor so when the
    \ `.__.-'`        \-._          neighbor comes over, the guy
     |            '.__ `'-;_        calls the dog into the house,
     |            _.' `'-.__)       bragging about how smart the
      \    ;_..--'/     //  \       critter is.  The dog quickly
      |   /  /   |     //    |      comes running and stands looking
jgs   \  \ \__)   \   //    /       up at his master, tail wagging
       \__)        './/   .'        furiously, mouth opening classic
                     `'-'`          doggie-smile position, eyes
                                    bright with anticipation.
The guy points to the news-
paper on the couch and commands, "Fetch!"

Immediately, the dog sits down, the tail wagging stops, the doggie-
smile disappears; he hangs his head, looks balefully up at his master
and says in a whiny voice, "Oy! My tail hurts from wagging so much
and that dog food you're feeding me tastes absolutely terrible.
Also I can't remember the last time you took me out for a walk..."

The neighbor looks puzzled. "Oh", explains the dog owner, "he thought
I said 'Kvetch!"

        _       http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/       _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                                                        .=@=.
My Dear Husband:                                       /     \
                                                       | 6.6 |
I am sending you this letter via this Internet         (  _  )
email thing, so that you will be sure to read         .-'---'-.
it...  I thought you should know what has been       /  .   .  \
going on at home since your computer entered       _/ /|  ,  |\ \_
our lives TWO YEARS AGO.                          (__/{`"==="`}\__)
                                                      /\_   _/\
Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome        _|  /`"`\  |_
boy.  Little Jennifer turned three in          jgs ( \ /     \ / )
September.  I am doing well.  I went blonde         \_/       \_/
about a year ago, and .....

For the conclusion of this "sound familiar" humorous story,
Click here....  http://readnsend.com/humor/b.htm
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

How to tell when you are spending too much time with your computer:

* You start introducing yourself as "lord at pacbell dot net"
* Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she
  looks like
* You check your mail.  It says "no new messages".  So you check it
  again
         _              * Your phone bill is delivered in a box
        [_|             * You name your children Eudora, Mozilla,
    .-----|--,            and Dotcom
   /      | /_\_        * All of your friends have an @ in their
   |       |__.-|         names
   |       |__\_|       * You tell the cab driver you live at
   '---,-,-'--'           http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
jgs    | |

* You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got
  work to do"  and you don't have a job
* You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape
  3.01"
* You never have to deal with the busy signals because you never log
  off
* You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in
  front of your computer with a toilet
* You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile :)
* Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage, so you
  buy another computer and install another phone line so that the two
  of you can chat
* As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your
  first instinct is to search for the "back" button
* Your computer goes down, you haven't logged in for two hours.  You
  start to tremble.  You pick up the phone and dial your Internet
  access number.  You try to mimic computer noise in order to
  connect.  You succeed.

        _       http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/       _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                                    _________________
On a California freeway:           |.---------------.|
      Fine for Littering           ||               ||
                                   ||  SILLY SIGNS  ||
In the window of an Atlanta        ||  ~~~~~~~~~~~  ||
clothing store:                    ||_______________||
      Sid's Pants is Open          '-------. .-------'
                                           | |    _|/
On the wall of a British Columbia          | |  ."   ".
cleaning service:                          | | /(O)-(O)\
   Able to Do the Worst Possible Job      /_)||   /     |
                                          |_)||  '-     |
In a New York jewelry store:              \_)|\ '.___.' /   |\/|_
      Genuine Faux Pearls                  | | \  \_/  /   _|  '/
                                           |_|\ '.___.'    \ ) /
In a Kansas City oculist's office:         \   \_/\__/\__   |==|
      Broken lenses duplicated here         \    \ /\ /\ `\ |  |
                                             \    \\//     \|  |
In a Boston fast-food parking lot:            `\   /\   |  /   |
      Parking for Drive-Through             jgs ;  ||   |\____/
      Customers Only                            |  ||   |

Billboard on Florida highway:
      If You Can't Read, We Can Help

On the Triborough Bridge in New York:
      In Event of Air Attack Drive Off Bridge

On a Lockhart, Texas, gas station and minimart:
       We're out of Rolaids, but we've got gas.

At the basketball court in a Gastonton, North Carolina, YMCA:
      Anyone caught hanging from the rim will be suspended

On a Rapid City store:
      Give That Bride a Good Case of Worms or Other Fine Bait

On the door of an Ellsworth, Maine, restaurant:
      The Indian Trading Post will be closed for Yom Kippur

In a Grand Rapids restaurant:
      Half baked chicken

In a Dayton barbershop:
      During vacation of owner, a competent hair stylist will be here

On a Jacksonville, Florida, bookstore:
      Rare, out-of-print, and nonexistent books

On a construction office in England:
      We Specialize in Quick Erections

On a library in Marlboro, New Hampshire, honoring Robert Frost:
      Frost Free Library
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)
                                                           _     .-.
      John Nunley  -  [email protected]            ( `. .'   )
                                                           `. `   /'
 To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail        |   |
   message to  [email protected]  and your         |   |
        address will automatically be removed.              _|66 |
                                                           (__,  |
      For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website           L_,)|
           http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/                 | |
                                                             ,_/ |
               ASCII Art by Joan Stark                       |   |
              http://www.ascii-art.com/                      |   |
                                                            /     '.
Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved.   (   ,    )
                                                            '-' '--'
     ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark
 please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art
      http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm

You are viewing proxied material from mozz.us. The copyright of proxied material belongs to its original authors. Any comments or complaints in relation to proxied material should be directed to the original authors of the content concerned. Please see the disclaimer for more details.