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_______ _
|__ __| | July 16, 2000
| | | |__ ___ Sunday
| | | '_ \ / _ \
.-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____
( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \
`\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___
| | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163
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| \_,
| | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S
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____________
I had the most interesting conversation ,' '.
with the top sales weasel at our company \ \
today. She came into my office and \ \
noticed I had a box of Altoids on my desk. ,;-------------,;
/ () () () /|
Altoids are these obnoxiously strong |___()____()___.; |
peppermints made in England. As soon | |/
as she saw them, she burst into jgs '--------------'
laughter. Turns out she had recently
had an affair with a guy who called her and left her an incredibly
steamy voice mail message after an encounter. He went on and on
about what a blow job goddess she was, how amazing she was, how he'd
never be the same, etc. She was kind of puzzled, thinking: what did
I do to this guy that was so different from my regular technique?

She finally figured it out: she's a smoker, and before getting
intimate with him, she had gone to the bathroom to "freshen up."
Not having a toothbrush, she crunched on about four Altoids and then
got busy. Apparently things went amazingly.

So she passed this little tidbit on to another female sales weasel,
who immediately tried it out on *her* fiance. Apparently this guy
has never, ever been into oral sex, but liked the mint sensation so
much that he asked her to stop and chew another Altoid mid-blow job.
He is now a fellatio gourmand.

This news has been going around our office. Having a box of Altoids
on your desk is now like being part of the Secret Blowjob Goddess
Society. It's the equivalent of having the hottest car or coolest
computer. News spread like crazy among the females, who all went out
at lunch to Walgreens to buy a box of Altoids (about $2 for 100 or
so), and their partners across the city tonight are getting one hell
of a corporate blow job. As far as company-wide morale boosting
events, it doesn't get much better.

Some of the men found out, too -- they went out after work to buy
them for their wives. They strategized on how to get their wives to
eat them. And people wonder why I work in technology.

If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend.
_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
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Just in case you were wondering...

* All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
_...._
* On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag .' 12 '.
flying over the Parliament building is / \
an American flag. |9 . 3|
\ `\ /
* If she were life size, Barbie's /'._ 6 _.'\
measurements would be: 39-23-33. / ```` \
/_jgs__________\
* No word in the English language rhymes
with month, orange, silver or purple.

* "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

* All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial
on the back of the $5 bill.
__
'--`. * Almonds are members of the peach family.
_|,--.
/ `) \ * Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room
\ | during a dance.
'.___/
* Maine is the only state whose name is just one
syllable.
* There are
only four words in the English language which end in"-dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

* Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina
de los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of
its size, "L.A."

* A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. _ |\_
\` ..\
* An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's __,.-" =__Y=
brain. jgs ." )
_ / , \/\_
* Tigers have striped skin, not just ((____| )_-\ \_-`
striped fur. `-----'`-----` `--`

* In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed
on a watch is 10:10.

* Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

* The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.

* The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II
who fathered over 160 children.

* The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after
Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A
Wonderful Life"
__,
* A goldfish has a memory span .-'_-'`
of three seconds. .' {`
.-'````'-. .-'``'.
* A dime has 118 ridges around .'(0) '._/ _.-. `\
the edge. } '. )) _<` )` |
`-.,\'.\_,.-\` \`---; .' /
* On an American one-dollar bill, ) ) '-. '--:
there is an owl in the upper ( ' ( ) '. \
left-hand corner of the "1" '. ) .'( / )
encased in the "shield" and a )/ ( '. /
spider hidden in the front upper '._( ) .'
right-hand corner. jgs ( (
`-.
* The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

* Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Why
it's Paul Reiser himself.
__ __
\o`-. V .-`o/ * The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin
) '#' ( female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away.
\_ .-#-. _/
/` # `\ * The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was
\o /V\ o/ thought up when the creator, Frank Baum,
jgs )/ \( looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N,
'` `' and O-Z, hence "Oz."

* The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar
tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

* Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

* John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.

* The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

* There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

* "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the
left hand.

_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

A New Pet

A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores,
so he decided to get a pet to help out. He went to the local pet
shop nd asks the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner
suggested a dog, but the man said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The
owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the
ironing"
\_/-.--.--.--.--.--.
Finally the owner suggests a centipede, (")__)__)__)__)__)__)
"This is the perfect pet for you. It jgs ^ "" "" "" "" "" ""
can do anything!" OK, the man thought,
I'll give it a try, so he bought it and took it home. Once home he
told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over and
there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month
old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried and put
away. Great, thought the man.

Now he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. 15 minutes
later the house is spotless. Wow, thought the man, so he decided to
try another idea. "Go down to the corner and get me the evening
paper," he told the centipede, and off it went.

15 minutes later, the centipede hadn't returned. 30 minutes later
and still no centipede. 45 minutes and the man was sick of waiting,
so he got up and went out to look for the centipede.

As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede.
"Hey, whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes
ago and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?"

.-.--.--.--.--.--\_/ "Hold on a minute!" said the
(__)__)__)__)__)__(") centipede, "I'm still putting on my
jgs "" "" "" "" "" "" ^ boots!!!"

_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE THROWING A SUCCESSFUL PARTY

__ / .-
- Festivity Level One - /.-' |/,-'`
.--. // _.-'''-._
Your guests are sitting //~`_\//_ _.;.--._.--.;._
around chatting, nibbling '--| // .|` /( O / \ O )\ `
the party food, sipping |~~~~~| ; '-' '-' ;
their drinks. They are _|__' | | (_) |
admiring your house and / __) '| | . . |
stand around the piano | __) | | `-.___.-' | .-. _
singing songs. | ___)' | ; \.-./ ; | | / |
|~~| .| \ `-` / __| |/ /_
| |====;___'._ _.'__ (_ _)
- Festivity Level Two - \ /\"""""/\ `\ `| .'`
'----------.`-`\^/`-`. \ |~~|
Your guests are talking | /~\ |`\ \ | |
loudly, occasionally to one another. | |\| | \ `y |
They are wolfing down the food, | |\| | \ /
gulping their drinks, rearranging | |\| | '.__.'
your house and sitting on the piano |___|\|___|
singing "I Gotta Be Me." |===\_/===|
| |
| L |
- Festivity Level Three - | | |
| | |
Your guests are holding < < |
conversations with inanimate | | | jgs
objects, gulping other peoples' |____|____|
drinks, wolfing down Busch and .---' / \
dancing around the piano shout- / /| |
ing the words to "I Can't Get No '.______.' | |
Satisfaction". \__/

&
_____(_)____ - Festivity Level Four -
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ Your guests, food smeared across
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ their naked bodies, are capering
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ around your burning house in some
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ unholy ritual. The piano is
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ missing.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ Unless you rent your home, or own
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ heavy firearms, you generally don't
^^^^^^^^^^^^\^^^^/^^^^^^^^^^^^ want your parties operating above
__.-)__(-,__ Level Three. The true test of
./' \_\_/_/ `\. party success, however, is whether
/ > | //\ | < \ or not the police arrive. If they
/ \ | |/| | / \ do arrive, your job as host is to
/ |\ | |/| | /| \ see that they don't arrest anyone.
/ /| \ | |/| | / |\ \ If they are intent on arresting
( ( | \| |/| |/ | ) ) someone, your job is to see that
\ \| Y |/| Y |/ / it isn't you. Following is an
\ | o| |/| |- | / example of how to successfully
`\ | | `^` | | /' handle this situation.
`| o|=[Ll=|- |'
| / \ | Police: "We've come in response to the
~~|` \ `|~~ complaints."
| | |
| | | You: "Complaints? It isn't about the
| | | drugs, is it?"
| | |
| | | Police: "No, sir, not drugs."
| | |
| | | You: "The guns, then? They're complaining
| | | about the guns?"
|____|____|
/ / \ \ Police: "No, sir. It's about the noise."
jgs / / \ \
`---' `---` You: "Oh, that's all right then. 'Cause
there sure aren't any guns or drugs
[An explosion sounds here, heh heh."
somewhere behind you]

You: "Or fireworks either! The neighbors complained, did they?"

Police: "No, sir. The neighbors all fled inland hours ago. The
recent complaints have come from Kansas."

[At this point a Volkswagen Bug, painted in various arcane symbols,
roars out of the living room, down the hall past you and the
policemen, out into the front yard and into the nearest tree.
Eight naked bodies tumble out, moaning.]

You: "There, you see? It's winding down already."
_ _
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_ .-.
John Nunley - [email protected] ( `. .' )
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