_______ _
                      |__   __| |                        July 2, 2000
                         | |  | |__   ___                      Sunday
                         | |  | '_ \ / _ \
 .-.     _     ______    | |  | | | |  __/    ____
(   `. .' )   |  ____|   |_|  |_| |_|\___|   |  _ \
 `\   ` .'    | |__ _   _ _ __  _ __  _   _  | |_) | ___  _ __   ___
   |   |      |  __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | |  _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
   |   |      | |  | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | |  __/
   | 66|_     |_|   \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
   |  ,__)                             __/ |
   |(,_|                              |___/           ISSN: 1527-6163
   | |
   | \_,
   |   |               T H E    S U N D A Y    F U N N I E S
   |   |
 .'     \
(    ,   )    You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies.
 '--' '-'     A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated
              jokes.  Sometimes a bit risque but always funny.  See
the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe.  For
more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

            Top Ten Misconceptions of American History

July fourth is Independence Day, and Americans are reminded of their
country's rich history.  But sometimes the facts get confused.  What
are the Top Ten misconceptions of American History?

10. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered
    America.  His ships were called the Nina, the Topeka, and the
    Santa Fe.

9. The Declaration of Independence guarantees that, "...all men are
   endowed equally."  __
                      \_\
8. Benjamin          /`  )
   Franklin         /   (
   invented        /      \
   kite-          /              7. Abraham Lincoln wrote the
   flying.       /                  Gettysburg address while
                /                   traveling from Washington to
               /                    Gettysburg on the back of an
              /                     envelope.
             /
        (}  /        6. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln
       /|\_/            went to the theater and was shot in his seat.
       \|
        |\       5. Under the Constitution the citizens of the United
   jgs / |          States enjoy the right to keep bare arms.
       ` `
4. President Samuel Adams ended Prohibition.                [~]
                                                            |=|
3. The Great Depression was ended by the                  .-' '-.
   invention of Prozac.                                   |-----|
                                                          | ~~~ |
2. On December 7, 1941 the Germans bombed Pearl           | ~~~ |
   Harbor and brought the United States into              | XXX |
   the Vietnam war.                                       |-----|
                                                     jgs  '-----'
And the number 1 misconception about
American history is:

               1. Al Gore invented the Internet.

     If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend.
        _       http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/       _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                                                      ,;;;;,
                                                     ;''';;;,
      Top Ten Reasons Why God Created Eve           ; e)e ;;;.
                                                    ;| _  ;;;;
                                                    ;;\__/;;;;
10. God was worried that Adam would                .--'  '--;;
    frequently become lost in the         `)-     /          `\
    garden because he would not ask       / `\   / \'_/ \'_/\  \
    for directions.                      \\\_/__/  /\      / \  \
                                          '--.____/  ) '  (   / /
 9.  God knew that one day Adam would               / /|\  `\/ (
     require someone to locate and hand            | (/|\)  |\\\
     him the remote.                               |  \|/   ;
                                                   |   |   /
 8.  God knew Adam would never go out and          |  /|  /
     buy himself a new fig leaf when his           \  \\  \
     wore out and would, therefore, need            \  |\  \
     Eve to buy one for him.                    jgs  \ | \ |
                                                    /  ) /  )
 7.  God knew Adam would never be able to          ooO` Ooo`
     make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut
     appointment for himself.

 6.  God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the
     garbage on the curb.

 5.  God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be
     able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

 4.  As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he
     left his tools.

 3.  Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when
     God caught him hiding in the garden.

 2.  As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

 1.  When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,
     scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."

        _       http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/       _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                                                          ____
A Jewish father, Moisha, was beset by his eldest        _[____]_
son Yitzak... "Father, I am going to marry!"             ( '7')
                                                        __)(^_
His father begins to dance with joy and sing           / ,C^D,\
Hava Nagila... "Tell me, is she a good Jewish         / /||:||\\
girl?" says the father. "What is her name?"           \ \|/:\|//
                                                       `\\~~~|/
"O'Brien" replies the son... "She's Catholic..."      ,##\7|\ \
                                                         |#| \ \
"Oy!" says the father.... "But are you happy?"           |#| / /
                                                     jgs |#|/_/
"I'm happy," says the son...                             |#|\ \
                                                         (#_\`'
"Ok...as long as you're happy...  my blessings to
you both," replies Moisha. But the father is  still counting on his
remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah.

Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening, "Father... I too will
be married soon!"

Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises... "What
is her name," implores the father?

"Kazalopodopolous," says the son. "She's Greek Orthodox..."

"Oy," says Moisha... "But are you happy?"

"I'm happy, father..."

"Ok... then you, too, have my blessing," intones Moisha.

Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray... "Please God... let my
remaining son Chutzpah marry a nice Jewish girl... to raise nice
Jewish children in your eyes. PLEASE!"

Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, "Father! I am to
wed in the spring!"

"Her NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME" his father immediately demands?

"Goldberg!" says Chutzpah!

Moisha is beside himself with joy! "Praise God! Praise the Prophets!"
Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, "Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter
Shelley, from Los Angeles?

"No..." says Chutzpah...

"Hmmm," says Moisha..."Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter Rachel
from Hollywood?"

"Ah...no, father" says Chutzpah... "Well, then, what is her first
name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful Son?

"Whoopi," says Chutzpah.

        _       http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/       _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)


               YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN:
                                                      /\
                                                    __)_)__
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch        .-'._'-'_.'-.
has more teeth than your spouse.               .'.' /_\'/_\ '.'.
                                              / :/._:  0  :_.\: \
You let your twelve-year-old daughter        | :   \\/\_/\//   : |
smoke at the dinner table in front of         \ :  :\/\_/\/:  : /
her kids.                                      '-:__:__:__:__:-'

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different
night.
              .-.                    Jack Daniels makes your list of
              \ /      .-.           "Most Admired People".
              |_|  .-. \ /
              |=|  \ / |_|           You think Genitalia is an
             /   \ |_| |=|           Italian airline.
            / (@) \|=|/   \
       ____ |     /   \@)  \         You wonder how service stations
     .'    '.    / (@) \   |         keep their restrooms so clean.
    / #      \   |     |   |
    |    o o |'='|     |  /          Anyone in your family ever died
    \     o  /    \   /'='           right after saying, "Hey, y'all
jgs  '.____.'      '='               watch this"

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's "hairdo" was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are,"Gentlemen,
start your engines."
                                                              ` )
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house                ('
exploded right off its wheels.                               (  )
                                                             //`
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding              //
pictures.                                                  //
                                                          //
The blue book value of your truck goes up and            //
down, depending on how much gas it has in it.           //
                                                       //
You have to go outside to get something out of        // jgs
the 'fridge'.
              __________           One of your kids was born on a
            ./)      o  (\.          pool table.
          ./     o         \.
        ./             o     \.          Your dad walks you to school
      ./)   o                 (\.           because you are both in
    ./                           \.           the same grade.
  ./             O           o     \.
./)_________________________________(\. jgs    You need one more hole
(_____________________________________)        punched in your card
|XX|===============================|XX|        to get a freebie at
 \/                                 \/         the House of Tattoos.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart "'cause there's a law against
it."

You dated one of your parents' current spouses... in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)
                                                           _     .-.
      John Nunley  -  [email protected]            ( `. .'   )
                                                           `. `   /'
 To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail        |   |
   message to  [email protected]  and your         |   |
        address will automatically be removed.              _|66 |
                                                           (__,  |
      For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website           L_,)|
           http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/                 | |
                                                             ,_/ |
               ASCII Art by Joan Stark                       |   |
              http://www.ascii-art.com/                      |   |
                                                            /     '.
Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved.   (   ,    )
                                                            '-' '--'
     ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark
 please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art
      http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm

You are viewing proxied material from mozz.us. The copyright of proxied material belongs to its original authors. Any comments or complaints in relation to proxied material should be directed to the original authors of the content concerned. Please see the disclaimer for more details.