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|__ __| | June 28, 2000
| | | |__ ___ Wednesday
| | | '_ \ / _ \
.-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____
( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \
`\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___
| | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163
| |
| \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S
| |
| | M I D W E E K E D I T I O N
.' \
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'--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated
jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See
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(
A man was sitting alone in his office one /\ _)
night when a genie popped up out of his _ _\/_ _(
ashtray and said, "And what will your ( \_.'""""'._.'/
third wish be?" `)|`'-----'` /
" \__ __.'
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? /___\
How can I be getting a third wish when I
haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second
wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made
your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is
the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish
left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck.
I wish I were irresistible to women."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared
forever. "That was your first wish, too!"

If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend.
_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
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_,.---,_
,-" '.
/ \ How to Pack Award-Winning School Lunches
| , |
| / '-..____.;
\_ | /a/a( The most important part of any school lunch
(` _) is the lunch box. Remember, if the kid is not
`\ ,__. / proud of his lunch box, he will not digest
`;-.___.' his lunch and may be sent home for disruptive
_.| | burping.
.' `-._\-.
/ .--. `\ It is best to pack only cold foods for a
/ '_ ))). | school lunch. Cold foods can be packed the
jgs \_ /_//__\\_ | night before when you are wide awake and
|.------.| know what you're doing.
|| ||
||______|| Make enough sandwiches to last the entire
'--------' school year and freeze them. This will
save lots of time and your child will love
them if you place an animal sticker on each baggie and tell the kid
he is getting designer frozen TV sandwiches.

Sandwiches on hard rolls keep longer than sandwiches made with sliced
bread. Also, the rolls will help younger children get rid of
unwanted loose baby teeth.

Apples are always great for school lunches. If your child cannot
swap his apple to someone else, he may eat it just so he can play
"Apple Core Baltimore."

Raw broccoli, cauliflower, and zucchini are great for school lunches
if your child is overweight and needs a little encouragement to run
away from home.

No school lunch is complete without several fast food packets of
ketchup. A child will eat anything he can cover with ketchup. Or,
at least, he will eat the ketchup.

Add something personal to make your child smile or think of you when
he opens his lunch box. The most sure winner is money for junk food.

Remember to wash the lunch box with an industrial strength cleaner at
least once a day. And at the end of the school year, be sure to bury
it in an approved waste dump where it cannot endanger future
generations.
_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
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_ _
| '-. .-' |
Excerpts from a cat's diary \'-.'-"""-'.-'/ _
|= _:'.':_ =| /:`)
\ <6> <6> / / /
DAY 752 - My captors continue to |= |_| =| |:'\
taunt me with bizarre little dangling >\:. " .:/< ) .|
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh /'-._^_.-'\ /.:/
meat, while I am forced to eat dry /::. .::\ /' /
cereal. The only thing that keeps .| '::. .::' |;.:/
me going is the hope of escape, and /`\:. .:/`\(
the mild satisfaction I get from |:. | ':. .:' | .:|
ruining the occasional piece of | ` |:.; ;.:| ` |
furniture. Tomorrow I may eat \:.| |:. .:| |.:/
another house plant. \ |:.| |.:| /
jgs /'| |\ /| |`\
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to (,,/:.|.-'-.|.:\,,)
kill my captors by weaving around (,,,/ \,,,)
their feet while they were walking
almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an
attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again
induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on
their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep
depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
_ _
(q\_/p) DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought
.-. |. .| them the headless body, in an attempt to
\ =\,/= make them aware of what I am capable of,
)/ _ \ |\ and to try to strike fear into their
(/\):(/\ )\ hearts. They only cooed and condescended
jgs \_ _/ |Oo\ about what a good little cat I was.
`""^""` `"""` Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it
included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds
could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of
thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I
was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear
the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call
"beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to
MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it
to my advantage. __
___(__)___
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives / \
are flunkies and maybe snitches. The Dog is | ___ |
routinely released and seems more than happy | ('v') |
to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The | ((___)) |
Bird on the other hand has got to be an |--/-"---"---|
informant. He has mastered their frightful `""""""""""""` jgs
tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks
with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to
his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I
can wait, it is only a matter of time...

_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT WATCHING THE MOVIES

* During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a
strip club at least once. _
/ \
* All beds have special L-shaped cover | |
sheets which reach up to the armpit | |
level on a woman but only to waist | |
level on the man lying beside her. | |
| |
* It's easy for anyone to land ,' ',
a plane, providing there is _.-"` `"-._
someone in the control tower _.-"` `"-._
to talk you down. | __..-. .-..__ |
'--""`` | | ``""--`
* Once applied, lipstick will | |
never rub off -- even while ,' ',
scuba diving. jgs | |
_ `-'`'-`
\\ * The ventilation system
)))))))) \\ of any building is the perfect hiding place.
//.-----. // No one will ever think of looking for you in
//( o o )// there and you can travel to any other part
((C `--^--'// of the building you want without difficulty.
jgs ))\ ( ~~`/
((((`--`""` * If you need to reload your gun, you will always
)))) have more ammunition even if you haven't been
carrying any before now.
* You're very
likely to survive any battle in any war, unless you make the
mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back
home.

* The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

* A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating
but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

* If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through
it before long.
.----------.
* All telephone numbers in America begin / .------. \::.
with the digits 555. |___\'----'/___| ':.
/ .--. \ ::
* If being chased through town, you | ( () ) | .:'
can usually take cover in a passing \ '--' / .::'
St. Patrick's Day parade... at any jgs '.______.'``
time of the year.

* When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out
a bill, just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always
be the exact fare.

* Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from
elsewhere in the universe.

* Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at
night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

* If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises in their most revealing underwear.

* Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always
say: Enter Password Now.

* Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family
every morning even though their husband and children never have
time to eat them.

* Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

* The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective or give
him 48 hours to finish the job.

* A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of
Wembley Stadium.

* It is not necessary to say hello or good-bye when beginning or
ending phone conversations.

* Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to
turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few
moments.
*.
* All bombs are fitted with electronic timing )
devices with large red readouts so you know .-.-(-.-.
exactly when they're going to go off. |~|~|~|~|
|-'-'-'-|
* It is always possible to park directly outside |[00:05]|
the building you are visiting. |-.-.-.-|
| | | | |
* A detective can only solve a case once he has '-'-'-'-'
been suspended from duty.

* Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

* It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts, your enemies will wait patiently to attack
you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you
have knocked out their predecessors.

* When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they
will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

* No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic
eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

* Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
opposite.

* Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds,
unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped
inside.
,--.
* An electric fence `.`_.`\
powerful enough to \ \
kill a dinosaur will \ \
cause no lasting damage \ \
to an eight year old child. \ `-''^^^^^''-.
\ `-._
* Television news >> > < <__ ^'-----...,,_
bulletins usually jgs //__/`---'\__\\`'""""'"'"'"'''''``
contain a story that `"`"" `""`"
affects you personally at that precise moment.

* When a woman or child is fleeing a monster or attacker, she will
trip on nothing five times in 10 feet.
_ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
_ .-.
John Nunley - [email protected] ( `. .' )
`. ` /'
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