_______ _
                      |__   __| |                       June 21, 2000
                         | |  | |__   ___                   Wednesday
                         | |  | '_ \ / _ \
 .-.     _     ______    | |  | | | |  __/    ____
(   `. .' )   |  ____|   |_|  |_| |_|\___|   |  _ \
 `\   ` .'    | |__ _   _ _ __  _ __  _   _  | |_) | ___  _ __   ___
   |   |      |  __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | |  _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
   |   |      | |  | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | |  __/
   | 66|_     |_|   \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
   |  ,__)                             __/ |
   |(,_|                              |___/           ISSN: 1527-6163
   | |
   | \_,               T H E    S U N D A Y    F U N N I E S
   |   |
   |   |                  M I D W E E K    E D I T I O N
 .'     \
(    ,   )    You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies.
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        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                                   /\  /\  /\  /\  /\  /\  /\  /\
THE SETTING:                      _||__||__||__||__||__||__||__||_
                                  -||--||--||--||--||--||--||--||-
A Scottish old timer in            ||  ||  ||  ||  ||  ||  ||  ||
Scotland, in a bar, talking       _||__||__||__||__||__||__||__||_
to a young man.               jgs -||--||--||--||--||--||--||--||-
                              ^^^"""^^"^^^"^^"""^^^^^"""^""^^^^^""^^
"Lad, look out there to
the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built
that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for
months. But do they call me Saxton-the-Fence-Builder? No..."

Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya
see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own
achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight
days. But do they call me Saxton-the-Bar-builder? No..."

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea.
Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I
built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by
board. But do they call me Saxton-the-Pier-Builder? No..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one
is paying attention. "But ya get caught with one goat..."

     If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend.
        _       http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/       _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                                                          __
                                                     .-"`` _``"-.
Two Pakistanis boarded a shuttle out of             /'.   '.(##)'\
Washington for New York.  One sat in the            |  `'----'`  |
window seat, the other in the middle                |        ----|
seat.  Just before takeoff, a fat little            |        . .-|
Indian guy got on and took the aisle seat           | .::::. |_| |
next to the two Pakistanis.  He kicked              |::::''':.-. |
off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was             |;,,;;;;;|_|_|
settling in when the Pakistani in the               | ';;;;' . . |
window seat said,"I think I'll go up and            |        |_|_|
get a Pepsi."                                       |        .-. |
                                                    \        |_|_/
"No problem," said the Indian,"I'll get         jgs  `.________.'
it for you."

While he was away,the Pakistani picked up the shoe and spat in it.
When the Indian returned with the Pepsi, the other Pakistani
said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Indian obligingly went to fetch it.  And while he was
gone, the Pakistani picked up the shoe and spat in it.  The Indian
returned with the Pepsi and they all sat back and enjoyed the short
flight to New York.  As the plane was landing the Indian slipped his
feet into his shoes & knew immediately what had happened,

"How long must this go on," the Indian asked, "This enmity between
our people... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes
and pissing in the Pepsis."

        _       http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/       _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

       /)))))))))
      //) __   __\         HOW TO TALK ABOUT MEN
      C==/_o|^|o_\         AND STILL BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
      |      _\  )
       \   '---'/
      _/`-. __.'_          1.  He does not have a beer gut; he has
    /` \`'-,._./|\         developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
   /    \ /`\_/\/ \        FACILITY.
  /   , |||  |\ ,  \
 |    |:===: / | |  |      2.  He is not quiet; he is a
 |   /|:~~~: | / |  |      CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.
  \   \ '-'  \/  /  /
   `\  \==I==[]=/  /       3.  He is not stupid; he suffers from
     \o_\       |o/        MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.
     /   )      |\
     | /\|   J  |/         4.  He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS
     |/|     |  |          ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
       |     |  |
       |     |  |          5.  He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE
       |     |  |          REGRESSION.
       \     >  >
       |     |  |          6.  He is not a cradle robber; he prefers
       |_____|__|          GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
       [_____]__]
         |==|==|           7.  He does not get falling-down drunk;
        /~~&\~~&\          he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
  jgs  (  ,  `~~)`~~)
        """`~~~`~~~`       8.   He does not act like a total ass;
                           he develops a case of RECTAL CRANIAL
9.   He is not short;      INVERSION.
he is ANATOMICALLY
COMPACT.

10.  He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR
ADDICTION.

11.  He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

12.  He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.

13.  He does not hog the blankets; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

14.  He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

15.  He doesn't have a dirty mind; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC
MOMENTS.

16.  He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

        _       http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/       _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                                                ,%%%%%%%%,_
                                              ,%%%%%%%%%%%}}%%,
Politically correct terms for females         %/_   _%%%%%%~%%%
                                              /_o|^|o_\=?%% %%%
                                              (  /_      @% %%%%
She does not:  GET PMS                         \'===='  /%'  '%%%%
She becomes:  HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL              /'-----'\       "%
                                              .-\ /|\  /``'.      `
She does not have:  A KILLER BODY            /   ^o| `"     \
She is:  TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE              /  /  o| .|||.   \
                                           |   \  o| |===|\   \
She is not:  A BAD COOK                    <   <\ o| |~~~||\   >
She is:  MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE               `\  \\o| '---'//  /
                                              \o_\\|_____//_o/`
She is not:  A BAD DRIVER                      / ///\/\/\\\ \
She is:  AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED              ( /|/\\/\/\\|\_)
                                               ///\\//\//\/\\
She is not:  A PERFECT 10                     |/\/\////\\/\\\|
She is:  NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR                 //\\/\///\\/\/\\
                                              //\/\///\/\\/\\|
She is not:  EASY                             |//\//\////\/\//
She is:  HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE              \//\/\\/\//\/\/
                                                  |  ||  |
She does not:  HATE SPORTS ON TV                  (  |(  |
She is:  ATHLETICALLY BIASED                       | | | |
                                                   | | | |
She does not have:  SEXY LIPS                      |=| |=|
She is:  COLLAGEN DEPENDENT                      _8/~_8/~ \
                                            jgs (___(___,_/
She does not get:  DRUNK
She is:  ACCIDENTALLY OVER SERVED

You do not ask her:  TO DANCE
You request:  A PRECOITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE

She is not:  A GOSSIP
She is a:  VERBAL TERMINATOR

She does not:  WORK OUT TOO MUCH
She is an:  ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER

She does not have a:  GREAT BUTT
She is:  GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS

She is not:  HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
She is:  MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED

She is not:  COLD OR FRIGID
She is:  THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE

She does not:  WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP
She is:  COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED

She does not have:  GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK)
Her breasts are:  CENTRALLY LOCATED

She will never:  GAIN WEIGHT
She will become:  A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER

She is not:  A SCREAMER OR MOANER
She is:  VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE

She does not:  SHAVE HER LEGS
She experiences:  TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION

She does not have:  A HARD BODY
She is:  ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE

She does not:  SUN BATHE
She experiences:  SOLAR ENHANCEMENT

Her breasts will never:  SAG
They will:  LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD

She does not:  SHOP TOO MUCH
She is:  OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS

She does not:  CUT YOU OFF
She becomes:  HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE

She does not have:  BIG HAIR
She is:  OVERLY AEROSOLED

She does not:  SNORE
She is:  NASALLY REPETITIVE

She does not:  GET DRUNK
She becomes:  VERBALLY DYSLEXIC

She does not have:  BIG HOOTERS
Her:  CUPS RUNNETH OVER

She is not:  TOO SKINNY
She is:  SKELETALLY PROMINENT
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                                                           _     .-.
      John Nunley  -  [email protected]            ( `. .'   )
                                                           `. `   /'
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                                                             ,_/ |
               ASCII Art by Joan Stark                       |   |
              http://www.ascii-art.com/                      |   |
                                                            /     '.
Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved.   (   ,    )
                                                            '-' '--'
     ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark
 please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art
      http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm

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