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|__ __| | May 28, 2000
| | | |__ ___ Sunday
| | | '_ \ / _ \
.-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____
( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \
`\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___
| | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163
| |
| \_,
| | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S
| |
.' \
( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies.
'--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated
jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See
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more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/
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(_.===============================================._)

.-"""""""""""""""""""""""""-.
The Theft: / .----------------------. /|
/ / .--. .--. .-. .--. / / |
A young lad is caught / / (__ / | /__| /__/ / / |
stealing soap from the / / `)| / / // / / |
local soap factory, / / '---' '--' ' '' / / ;
when the case comes to | \_____________________.' / .
caught the judge decides |'._______________________.;| .
to make an example of | , .
him to discourage other | ; .
youths from a life of \ /_/
crime. jgs `--------------------------`

Judge: Well, what have you to say in your defense?

Boy: I'm sorry your honor.

Judge: I sentence you to 10 years hard labor, starting immediately.

Boy: But sir, it were only a few bars of cheap soap.

Judge: Consider yourself lucky... it could have been life boy!

If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend.
_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

House Hunting: _ ___
,;;, _.-" "-._ [___]
7T _.-" "-._| |
_.-""-._ _.-" '-._|
_.-' "-._ _.-" '-._
.=' '-._ .-' '-._
'---;.------------;;.---'----------------------------------------'
||_ __ __ __|2|----.| |".------|"| |"|------|"| |
|| |7| [] || | |><><><| | | |><><><| | |____
||-- --- ----|1| [] || |_|======|_| |_|======|_| |=-_=|
jgs&_||____________|2|____||%&&%,,,,,,%&%&%&%&%%&,,%%&%&%&,,,,%&%&&%&

All afternoon a real estate agent had been showing a young couple
empty houses. The ones they loathed always seemed to be available,
but others had snapped up the ones that struck their fancy
invariable. Finally they came to a house at the very edge of town
and fell in love with it.

"Please," they begged, "tell us that this one we can have."

"It's yours," beamed the agent. ... "It's last but not leased!"

_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

An avid church goer and __________
NASCAR fan died and went _.='"----.._ `""--.._
to heaven. Upon _.'.-'\\ () \``""-.`"-. __
entering, _.'/ '--' '-----[] .-'.-' .-' `'-'` /
this _..--""``` _, _, _, _, _ LI [__] \
person .' .-'''-. / // // // / [_] .-'''-. #### '-.
noticed / / _ \ '-, / '-, / .----. / _ \ Valvoline\
pro | | (_) | /_/ /_/ '----'|| (_) | ____..'
driver '--'\ / '===================' \ /'=='
Alan jgs `-...-` `-...-'
Kulwicki's
race car, and asked St. Peter about it. St. Peter said Alan was in
heaven and his car was on display.

Walking a little further, the man sees Davey Allison's car. Once
again he inquired to St. Peter about it. "Davey Allison is also in
heaven. In fact, God's a BIG NASCAR fan, so when drivers die, their
race cars get put on display."

Walking further, the individual came upon Jeff Gordon's #24 Chevrolet
the phenomenal kid who is breaking every record on the racing
circuit. At this sight, the new heaven dweller panicked! "Oh, No!
St. Peter, Jeff Gordon is about to win the Championship this year,
and you mean to tell me he has just died?!?

"No, no," St. Peter chuckled, "That's God's car. He lets Jeff use it
on weekends."

_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

.--------------------.
A blonde was driving back /----------------------\
from the mall when there //"""""""" "_||_"",;;;,"\\
was a terrible hail storm. // (____)//"""\\ \\
Huge hail stones the // /( '.' )\ \\
size of golf balls .--.// (((\ = /))) \\.--.
pelted her car / (( _.="""=._ )) \
leaving it full '----.----mmmmmmm----;---mmmmmmm----.----'
of dents. / . \
/ . \
She drove to the body / . \
shop and asked what / _ \
she should do. The |.-------. (_) .-------.|
body man explained | \ ; / |
what needed to be |\__o_____/'-._______Y_______.-'\_____o__/|
done and that it '. \X/X\X/X\X/X\X/X\X/X\X/ .'
would cost at least `=.____..\X|X|X|X|X|X|X|X|X|X/..____.=`
$4000 to repair. jgs ||||||| |||||||
\|||||/ \|||||/
She said that was too `"""` `"""`
much and wasn't there some other way to fix it?

The body man decided to have a little fun and said "Well you could
blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out!"

She decided to give it a try before spending that much money. So she
drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the
exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit.

"What are you doing!" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful
that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.

"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out
of my car" explained the first blonde.

"Well silly, it's not going to work" replied her neighbor.

"Why not"? asked the first blonde.

"Because you've got to roll up the windows first"

_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

.----. .----.
An Old Man On The Beach... ( o \ / o )
| |
_/ \_
An old man on the beach walked up to a (_ _)
beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to , `--` ,
feel your breasts" he exclaimed. \'-.______.-'/
\ /
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" '.--..--.'
she replied. jgs `"""""`

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars" he
says.

Again, she told him,"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!

I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he
says.

"NO! Get away from me"

"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says.

She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says
"I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts" he says.

She thinks, well, he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and five
hundred dollars IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a
minute" she says.

She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the
beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel... and then
he starts saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he is
caressing them.

So out of curiosity, she asks him, "Why do you keep saying 'Oh my
god, oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answers: "OH MY GOD...OH MY
GOD...OH MY GOD... Where am I ever going to get five hundred
dollars?"
_ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

_ .-.
John Nunley - [email protected] ( `. .' )
`. ` /'
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