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_______ _
|__ __| | May 26, 2000
| | | |__ ___ Friday
| | | '_ \ / _ \
.-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____
( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \
`\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___
| | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163
| |
| \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S
| |
| | F R I D A Y E D I T I O N
.' \
( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies.
'--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated
jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See
the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For
more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/
_ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

.-""""-.
/ \ \
An annoyingly self-righteous man went to | .'--. |
the doctor for a check-up. He said, "I | /_ _`|
feel terrible. Please examine me and tell \( a \ a )
me what's wrong with me." | > |
|\ = /
"Let's begin with a few questions," said | \___/|
the doctor, "Do you drink much?" ___/: :\__
/` < `\ /` > `\
"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a / `\ |__| /` \
teetotaler. Never touch a drop." ; [MD] \| |/ |I! ;
jgs | | | |"""| |
"How about smoking?" asked the doctor. | | \ / \___/ |

"Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles
against it."

"Well, uh." asked the doctor, "do you have much sex life?"

"Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night
and I always have been."

The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you
have pains in your head?"
__ -=- __
"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains /-.\//\/.-\
in my head." | \\_// |
| / Y \ |
"O.K.," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. | //)=(\\ |
Your halo is on too tight!! |/` | | `\|
| _/| |\_ |
|/ | | \|
jgs |_|

If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend.
_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

/^\
A man is in bed with his wife ) //^\\
when there is a rat-a-tat-tat ( // \\
on the door. He rolls over ) // \\
and looks at his clock, and __ // \\
it's half past three in the |=^| // _ \\
morning. __|= |__// (+) \\
/LLLLLLL// ~ \\
"I'm not getting out of /LLLLLLL// \\
bed at this time", he /LLLLLLL// \\
thinks, and rolls /LLLLLLL// |~[|]~| |~[|]~| \\
over. Then, a louder ^| [|] // | [|] | | [|] | \\
knock follows. | [|] ^| |_[|]_| |_[|]_| |^
___|______| |
"Aren't you going to /LLLLLLLLLL|_____________________|
answer that?" says /LLLLLLLLLLL/LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL\
his wife. So he /LLLLLLLLLLL/LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL\
drags himself out ^||^^^^^^^^/LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL\
of bed, and goes || |~[|]~|^^||^^^^^^^^^^||^|~[|]~|^||^^
downstairs. He || | [|] | || |~~~~| || | [|] | ||
opens the door || |_[|]_| || | [] | || |_[|]_| ||
and there is man ||__________|| | o| ||_________||
standing at the .'||][][][][][|| | [] | ||[][][][][||.'.
door. It didn't ."'||[][][][][]||_-`----'-_||][][][][]||"."
take the home .(')^(.)(').( )'^@/-- -- - --\@( )'( ).(( )^(.)^
owner long to '( )^(`)'.(').( )@/-- -- - -- -\@ (.)'(.),( ).(').
realize the man ".'.'." ." '.". @/- - --- -- - -\@ '.".'.".'.".'."
was drunk. jgs'' ".".".'.'@/ - -- -- -- -- -\@".'..'".'."'.'.'
'.".".''.".''."@/ -- --- --- -- -
-\@.".''.".''.".'".
"Hi there." slurs
the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and
slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says
"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down
in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter
and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What
would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be
the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He
opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he
shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out
"Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."

_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

Virus Alert!
__....._
.-"`` _.";
There is a new virus going around, ;-...,...-"` |
called "work." If you receive any \ |
sort of "work" at all, whether via \ |
e-mail, Internet or simply handed \ |
to you by a colleague... \ |_..._
\ __..--""` _.-'
DO NOT OPEN IT _..--"" _..-"``-._.-----.
"---;--"" __ / \
This has been circulating around ( /__ __ ` | |
our building for months and those `/-\/--\ \ |
who have been tempted to open //`/ /`/ \ |
"work" or even look at "work" /\\_\_\/ ;\ /
have found that their social ____ / . '._.'
life is deleted and their brain /` '.`"` _...._ |
ceases to function properly. \___.' ,__ `\ |
\ /|` | ;
If you do encounter "work" via \ \ .' | | .
e-mail or are faced with any '.\___..-'.__/ | |
"work" at all, then to purge '. / _.-"|
the virus, send an e-mail to |""--.._\ .'`-" |
your boss with the words "I've | [_]_ _/
had enough of your crap... jgs \__..--""/ `""""`\
I'm off to the pub." / \

The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you
receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and
drag
the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to
the
nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum
punch).

After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no
longer be of any relevance to you and that "Huckleberry Hound" was the
greatest cartoon ever.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have
anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has
already corrupted your life.

_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
_
(_)
<___>
| |______
| |* * * ) YOU JUST MIGHT BE A YANKEE IF:
| | * * (_________
| |* * * |* *|####)
| | * * *| * | (________________ 1. You think barbecue is a
| |* * * |* *|####|##############| verb meaning "to cook
| | * * *| * | | | outside."
| |* * * |* *|####|##############| 2. You think Heinz Ketchup
| |~~~~~~| * | | | is really SPICY!
| |######|* *|####|##############| 3. You don't have any
| | |~~~' | | problems pronouncing
| |######|########|##############| "Worcestershire sauce"
| | | | | correctly.
| |######|########|##############| 4. For breakfast, you would
| |~~~~~~| | | prefer potatoes au gratin
| | |########|##############| to grits.
| | '~~~~~~~~| | 5. You don't know what amoon
| | |##########JGS#| pie is.
| | '~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 6. You've never had an RC
| | cola.
| | 7. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.
| | 8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've
seen are on road trips.
10. You have no idea what a polecat is.
11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
12. You don't have bangs.
13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of
the
same prep school in Connecticut.
15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get
his own TV fishing show.
16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call
them
"you guys," even if both of them are women.
17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife
show.
19. You think more money should go to important scientific research at
your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the
house.
21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from
getting on an on-ramp to the highway.
22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at
Neiman Marcus.
24. You call binoculars opera glasses.
25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side
of the road and stopping.
26. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
27. You don't know what applique is.
28. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob,
Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, et
al).
29. You don't have doilies, and you ..-"""""-..
certainly don't know how to make .' ___ '.
one. / ."\ `\ \
30. You've never been to a craft show. ; /, ( | ;
31. You get freaked out when people ; /_ '._ / ;
on the subway talk to you. | |- '._`) |
32. You can do your laundry without ; '-;-' \ ;
quarters. ; """" / \\ ;
33. None of your fur coats are homemade. \ '.__..-' /
jgs '._ 1 9 9 9 _.'
""-----""
_ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

_ .-.
John Nunley - [email protected] ( `. .' )
`. ` /'
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For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)|
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ASCII Art by Joan Stark | |
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/ '.
Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , )
'-' '--'
ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark
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