_______

_______ _
|__ __| | May 14, 2000
| | | |__ ___ Sunday
| | | '_ \ / _ \
.-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____
( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \
`\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___
| | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163
| |
| \_,
| | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S
| |
.' \
( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies.
'--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated
jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See
the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For
more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/
_ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

Paul and Betty were over at Dan & Nancy's house, playing bridge, and,
unfortunately, they had made the mistake of being partners. After
about two hours of intense play, disappointing results, and myriad
squabbles, Paul got up to go to the toilet, but he sort of forgot
where he was and didn't close the door.

PPPPSSSSSHHHHHHH! went the stream, like a cow peeing on a flat rock.
The sound resonated into the den, where Dan gulped and said, "Excuse
me; I'll go close the door."

"Never mind," said Betty, "this is the first time tonight I've known
what's in his hand."
_________ _________ _________ __________
/ \ / \ / \ / \
|A | |A | |A | |A |
| , | | _ _ | | _ | | |
| / \ | | / ^ \ | | (_) | | /\ |
| (_ _) | | \ / | | (_)_) | | < > |
| /_\ | | \ / | | /_\ | | \/ |
| | | ` | | | | |
| A| | A| | A| | A|
jgs \_________/ \_________/ \_________/ \__________/

If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend.
_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

Real Men Test

Note: Although this is test for men only and all "real men" answer
"C" to all of these questions. Women will also benefit by reviewing
them so that they get to understand men and thereby enrich their own
lives.
(
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced __..)__
society visit the Earth, and you are the .' `'.
first human they encounter. As a token / - - `\
of intergalactic friendship, they present /(')(') \
you with a small but incredibly / ^ ) |
sophisticated device that is capable of \.--. |
curing all disease, providing an infinite \--' /
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger \__.-' __..''
and poverty, and permanently eliminating / | jgs
oppression and violence all over the entire
Earth.

You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
miss the most?

A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without
regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the
only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for
business reasons, you have to have him killed.
_
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: |\/(_
/ -`'.
A. A cat. | =__-/=
B. A dog. / (
C. A dog that eats cats. ; \
/ |
5. You have been seeing a woman for several / , /
years. She's attractive and intelligent, .' | |
and you always enjoy being with her. / --; |
One leisurely Sunday afternoon the | || __
two of you are taking it easy. | /_;-` _`'.
You're watching a football game; \ '-----' _.-` '._)
she's reading the papers when she jgs `'-------'"
suddenly, out of the clear blue sky,
tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no
longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your
relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you
want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some
kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future,
but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can
not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a
lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding
out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on
third and seventeen.

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you
want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and
the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell
her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her
name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing
through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you
to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to
her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"

8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new
holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally
intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules
and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy
checks the garbage regularly in case somebody and we are not
naming names, but this would be his wife is quietly trying to
discard his underwear (which she is frankly jealous of
because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship
with it than with her).

9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years
before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when
they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.

_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

\
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the .\"""""""""-.
bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. \`\-------'`/
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his \ \__ o . /
shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to \/ \ o/
prepare another double martini. After he finishes \__/. /
that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket \_ _/
and asks the bartender to bring another double Y
martini. |
|
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring jgs _.-' '-._
ya' martinis all night long. But ya gotta `---------`
tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket
before you order a refill."

The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts
to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

\\/////
How To Tell That You're In Los Angeles // |
|6 6|
( _\ |
Your co-worker tells you s/he has 8 body c| = |
piercings: none are visible. |\___/
___/| |__
You make over $250,000. And still can't /` | '----' |`\
afford a house. / | | \
/~% | | ; \
You take a bus and are shocked at two / /\/ |__ |`\ \
people carrying on a conversation in \ \ | /\ | / /
English. `\ \| /--\ |/ /`
`\; |/`
Your child's 3rd grade teacher has two (| |)
pierced ears, a nose ring and is named |_________|
"Breeze." And your friends still need | | |
to know if the teacher, a member of the | | |
local Republican committee, is male or | | |
female. | | |
| | |
If you speak about "urban transit," | _| _|
you're besieged by attractive young | | |
women who want to "channel." | | |
| | |

You can't remember... is pot illegal? |____|__|_
jgs \_____)__)
You have a very strong opinion about
where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference
between Sumatra and Ethiopian. And you know which Brentwood
restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

A really great parking space can move you to tears.

You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits, a fab
exercise facility and tofu takeout.

You're thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between
aroma therapy, conversational mandarin or screening erotic web sites.

A man walks on the bus in full leather regalia. You don't notice.

A woman walks on the bus with live poultry. You don't notice.

You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be visiting from
the Midwest. You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is
not a tourist.
_ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

_ .-.
John Nunley - [email protected] ( `. .' )
`. ` /'
To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | |
message to [email protected] and your | |
address will automatically be removed. _|66 |
(__, |
For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)|
http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | |
,_/ |
ASCII Art by Joan Stark | |
http://www.ascii-art.com/ | |
/ '.
Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , )
'-' '--'
ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark
please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm