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_______ _
|__ __| | May 10, 2000
| | | |__ ___ Wednesday
| | | '_ \ / _ \
.-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____
( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \
`\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___
| | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163
| |
| \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S
| |
| | M I D W E E K E D I T I O N
.' \
( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies.
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._ _.
* Guys have feelings too. / `""""` \
But like... who cares? .-""`'-..____..-'`""-.
* I don't believe in miracles. /`\ /`\
I rely on them. /` | | `\
* Next mood swing: /` | Sayings on | `\
6 minutes. / | | \
* I hate everybody, and / / Women's \ \
you're next. / | | \
* Please don't make me '-._____.| T-shirts: |._____.-'
kill you. | |
* And your point is ... | |
* I used to be schizophrenic, | |
but we're OK now. \ |
* I'm busy. You're ugly. / |
Have a nice day. | \
* Warning: I have an attitude | |
and I know how to use it. jgs '._ _.'
* Remember my name - you'll be `""--------""`
screaming it later.
* You KNOW you want me.
* Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.
* Of course I don't look busy. . . I did it right the first time.
* Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
* I'm multi talented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.
* Do NOT start with me. You won't win.
* You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
* All stressed out and no one to choke.
* I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
* How can I miss you if you won't go away?
* Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
* If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
* Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.
* Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
* Objects Under This Shirt Are Larger Than They Appear.

If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend.
_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

It seems that Arthur .------------------....___ ,;;;,
S. Nob, the noted / / /'''---/;;;;;;,.,
painting collector, jgs \ \__\...---\;;;;;;;"
had a bright idea '------------------'''' ````
one day. He thought
that if he got an artist to paint some herd animals and have them
printed up on 8"x10" stock, he could paper the wall of his den with
multiple repeated images and create the illusion that there was a large
herd outside a window, thus giving the illusion of space in the room.

He hired his favorite brushslinger, C. Ommon Hak, to carry out his
wishes. When the painting was complete, he was astounded. At least a
dozen large wildebeest roamed the African scene on a large canvas.

Art gleefully rushed to the print shop, where Wysiwyg "Pro" Cessor did
print jobs for many artists. "Whiz" looked at the canvas and asked: "Do
you want me to shrink the painting down to 8x10?"

Realizing his mistake, Art sighed. "No," he replied, "they would be too
small to identify." "Cut out the best 8x10 section and use that, and
get
as many of the critters as possible onto it without cutting any parts
off 'em."
A week later Art went back to the shop
,/ \, to pick up his new wallpaper. He
// \\ shrieked his dismay when he looked at
((__,-"""-,__)) the top copy. "What's the problem?"
`--)~ ~(--` the printer inquired. "there are only
.-'( )`-, two wildebeest on this!" moaned Art.
`~~`d) (b`~~` "I wanted more!"
| |
| |
| | "Hey, man, I'm sorry" replied Wysiwyg.
| | "I did the best I could, and this is:
| |
jgs (6___6) ... All the Gnus that fit the print!"
`---`

_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

Microsoft To Sell Ad Space In Error Messages

Microsoft (Nasdaq: MSFT) announced that .----------------.
it is selling advertising space in the | _ |
error messages that appear in Windows. | _.-'|'-._ |
Acknowledging for the first time that | .__.| | | |
the average user of their operating | |_.-'|'-._| |
system encounters error messages at | '--'| | | |
least several times a day, Microsoft is | '--'|_.-'`'-._| |
trying to take financial advantage of jgs| '--' ` |
the unavoidable opportunity to make an '----------------'
ad impression.

"We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several
million people are getting a `General Protection Fault' or `Illegal
Operation' warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by
including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft
marketing director Nathan Mirror. He also mentioned that Microsoft is
intended to add banner ads into its Blue Screen of Death in the near
future.
_ _ ___ _ _ _ _ The Justice
|:| |:| /:::\ |:| |:| |_ | | |_ Department
|:| |:| /:/'\:\ |:| |:| | | |_ |_ immediately
|:|__|:| |:| |:| |:|__|:| _ ___ indicated that
|::::::| |:| |:| |::::::| |\ | / \ | they intend to
'""""|:| |:| |:| '""""|:| | \| \_/ | investigate
|:| |:| |:| |:| _ _ _ whether Microsoft
|:| |:\ |:| |:| |_ / \ | | |\ | | \ is gaining an
|:| \:\_/:/ |:| | \_/ \_/ | \| |_/ unfair advantage
|:| \:::/ |:| in reaching the
'"' '"' '"' public with this advertising by virtue
of its semi-monopolistic control over
error messages.

_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous woman
eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night but
lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass
eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively
grabs
and snatches it out of the air.

"Oh my god, I'm soooorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites
him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she
asks him if he would like to come to breakfast the next morning.

When he arrives the next morning, she has cooked a gourmet meal with
all
the trimmings. The guy is amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman.
Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
_....,_ _,...._
"No, she replies, _.-` _,..,_'. .'_,..,_ `-._
"You just happened to catch _,-`/ o \ '. .' / o \`-,_
my eye." jgs '-.\___/.-` `-.\___/.-'
_ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
_ .-.
John Nunley - [email protected] ( `. .' )
`. ` /'
To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | |
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address will automatically be removed. _|66 |
(__, |
For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)|
http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | |
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ASCII Art by Joan Stark | |
http://www.ascii-art.com/ | |
/ '.
Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , )
'-' '--'
ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark
please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art
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