_______ _
                      |__   __| |                      April 23, 2000
                         | |  | |__   ___                      Sunday
                         | |  | '_ \ / _ \
 .-.     _     ______    | |  | | | |  __/    ____
(   `. .' )   |  ____|   |_|  |_| |_|\___|   |  _ \
 `\   ` .'    | |__ _   _ _ __  _ __  _   _  | |_) | ___  _ __   ___
   |   |      |  __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | |  _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
   |   |      | |  | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | |  __/
   | 66|_     |_|   \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
   |  ,__)                             __/ |
   |(,_|                              |___/           ISSN: 1527-6163
   | |
   | \_,
   |   |               T H E    S U N D A Y    F U N N I E S
   |   |
 .'     \
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       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

    ,;;;,
   (((()))
   )). .((          While down south on a visit, the young Yankee
  ((( = )))         made a date with a local lovely.  When he called
   );'-';(          for her, she was clad in a low-cut, tight-
  / )\ /( \         fitting, long dress.
 //(_ Y _)\\
 \\ )   ( //        He remarked, "That's certainly a beautiful
  \/     \/         dress."
   ;     ;
   |     |          "Sho 'nough?" she asked sweetly.
   |     |
   |     |          "It sure does," he replied.
   |   T |
jgs | .' \|
   '-/=/-'

     If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend.
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       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                                                      .---.
When South Vietnam was nearing its end, and          /_____\
General Minh was in charge, a popular artist         ( -.- )
came to him and asked to make a statue in             \_-_/_
his honor (at government expense).                 .-"`'V'//-.
                                                  / ,   |// , \
"Please, General Minh, you are the people's      / /|Ll //Ll|\ \
hero," he told him.                             / / |__//   | \_\
                                                \ \/---|[]==| / /
"Yes, but make the sculpture in bronze,"         \/\__/ |   \/\/
replied the general.                              |/_   | Ll_\|
                                                    |`^"""^`|
So the artist made the sculpture, but when          |   |   |
it was unveiled in a small private ceremony,        |   |   |
the general was furious.  For the sculpture         |   |   |
was made in gold.                                   |   |   |
                                                    L___l___J
"I want bronze," he said, "I want bronze!"           |_ | _|
                                               jgs  (___|___)
The artist went away in a hurry, deeply              ^^^ ^^^
impressed with this show of humility.  But
he still wanted to honor the general, so he made the next sculpture
in silver.

But again the general was furious.

"I want bronze," he said, "I want bronze!"

This time the artist made the sculpture out of bronze as asked.  When
the sculpture was revealed to the general, he was overjoyed at the
wonderful bronze likeness.  The artist then complimented the general
on his deep humility.

This notion confused him very much.

"But why did you want sculpture made of bronze?"

"Why? I'll tell you why," said the general.  "Because General Minh
prefer bronze!"

        _       http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/       _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                                                 .-..-""``""-..-.
The finals of the National Poetry Contest        |(`\`'----'`/`)|
last year came down to two finalists.  One        \\ ;:.    ; //
was a Duke University Law School graduate          \\|%.    |//
from an upper crust family; well-bred,              )|%:    |(
well-connected, and all that goes with it.        ((,|%.    |,))
The other finalist was a redneck from              '-\::.   /-'
Southeast Alabama A&M.                                '::..'
                                                        }{
The rules of the contest required each                 {__}
finalist to compose a four-line poem in               /    \
one minute or less, and the poem had to              |`----'|
contain the word "Timbuktu".                    jgs  | [#1] |
                                                     '.____.'
The Duke graduate went first.  About thirty
seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the
following poem:

                "Slowly across the desert sand
                 Trekked the dusty caravan.
                 Men on camels, two by two
                 Destination-Timbuktu."

The audience went wild!!!  How, they wondered, could the redneck top
that?

The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought.
Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:

                "Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
                 Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
                 They was three, we was two,
                 So, I bucked one and Timbuktu."


        _       http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/       _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

A New Cuckoo Clock                                 ((((
                                                   {  '>  -cuckooo
Just after I got married, I was invited            / ,\
out for a night with "the boys."  I told     jgs  /_/ /
the missus that I would be home by             ===//="======
midnight... promise!  Well, the yarns             /
were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3
A.M. full as a boot, I went home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3
times.  Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick
wittedness even when smashed -- to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning the missus asked me what time I got in and I told her
12 o'clock.  Whew!  Got away with that one!  She then told me that
we needed a new cuckoo clock.  When I asked her why she said: "Well,
it cuckooed 3 times, said ' @$#%,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted,
cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat; cuckooed two more
times, and giggled."

        _       http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/       _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)


                                                   ,/         \,
A young farm girl answers the door and sees       ((__,-"""-,__))
an older neighbor there.                           `--)~   ~(--`
                                                  .-'(       )`-,
Girl: "My father isn't home, but I know what      `~~`d\   /b`~~`
you want and I can help you.  You want our            |     |
bull to service your cow.  Well, my father            (6___6)  jgs
charges one hundred dollars for his best bull."        `---`

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have a young bull who is just starting out.  My father
charges fifty dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do a job.
My father charges only ten dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not what I want.  I came here to see your father
about your brother.  Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant."

Girl: "Oh. You'll have to see my father about that because I don't
know what my father charges for Elmer."


        _       http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/       _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)
                                                _________________
                                        .--H--.|             jgs |
A redneck truck driver is driving     _//_||  ||                 |
east on Route 66 he sees a truck     [    -|  |'--;--------------'
driving west, and the CB crackles    '-()-()----()"()^^^^^^^()"()'
to life" Hey, redneck driver,
who's the two biggest gays in America?"

The redneck replies, "I don't know."

The other trucker says " You and your brother."

Well the redneck gets all pissed off, but the other driver tells him,
"Its just a joke, tell it to the next truck you see."

So the redneck drives for about an hour and finally sees another
truck.  He gets on the CB and says, "Hey, other truck, do you know
who the two biggest gays in the world are?"

The other trucker says, "I don't know, who?"

The redneck replies, "Me and my brother."


        _       http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/       _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

     , .    .--.
    __|__  |____|
   /     \ |____|     A young man from the city went to visit his
  /   []   |____|     farmer uncle.  For the first few days, the
  |__________|  |     uncle showed him the usual things- chickens,
  |   ____   |  |        _         cows, crops, etc. After three
  |  |\  /|  |  |      _[_]_       days, however, it was obvious
  |  | \/ |  |  |       c")        that the nephew was getting
  |  | /\ |  |  |      ,(_)'       bored, and the uncle was running
  |__|/__\|__|__|       -"-        out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the
dogs, and go shooting?"

This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went,
dogs in trail.  After a few hours, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)


                                                           _     .-.
      John Nunley  -  [email protected]            ( `. .'   )
                                                           `. `   /'
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               ASCII Art by Joan Stark                       |   |
              http://www.ascii-art.com/                      |   |
                                                            /     '.
Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved.   (   ,    )
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