_______

_______ _
|__ __| | April 16, 2000
| | | |__ ___ Sunday
| | | '_ \ / _ \
.-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____
( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \
`\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___
| | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163
| |
| \_,
| | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S
| |
.' \
( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies.
'--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated
jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See
the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For
more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/
_ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

There are many stories ,:',:`,:'
related to the sinking ___//_//_//_//__
of the "Titanic". Some ____[""""""""""""""""]____
have just come to \ " '''''''''''''''''''''|
light due to the ~~jgs~^~^~^^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~~^~^~~^~^~^^~~^~^
success of the recent
movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912
Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was
carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera
Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship
after New York City.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were
disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a National
day of mourning which they still observe today.

It is known, of course, as... Sinko de Mayo.

If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend.
_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

,@@@@@@@,
The Differences Between ,######## @@@@@@@@@@,
### _ _\ /_ _ `@@@@
Men and Women #C' _\ /_ ?@@@
\( _ \ /_ )@@@
SUCCESS: \'--, ___) (__ ,-;@@@@,
jgs \ \ / (@@@@@
A successful man is one who
makes more money than his wife
can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

STYLE:

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.

MONEY MANAGEMENT:

A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he
wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she
doesn't want.

HAPPINESS:

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a
little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try
to understand her at all.

,@@@@@, ,@@@@@, MARRIAGE EXPECTATIONS:
,@@,;;;,@,;;;,@@,
@@;;;' ';' ';;;@@ A woman marries a man expecting he will
@@;;; ;;;@@ change, but he doesn't. A man marries a
'@@';;, ,;;'@@' woman expecting that she won't change and
'@@';;,;;'@@' she does.
'@@';'@@'
jgs '@@@' MARRIAGE DECISIONS:
'@'
Men marry because they are tired. Women
MARRIAGE AND THE marry because they are curious. Both are
FUTURE: disappointed.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man
never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MEMORIES:

A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry
her. A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didn't marry.

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN: .-""""--. _ _
/ ) ( \/ )
There are two times / --"` \ / _ _
when a man doesn't / _`:____ \/ ( \/ )
understand a woman: | .-' `\ \ /
before marriage \ / .----'./ \/
and after marriage. \ : ,-' ~(.).)\ _ _
\_| \ ._) | ( \/ ) _ _
WHAT A WOMAN WANTS: / | \.__, / \ / ( \/ )
_.--' )`///-,-' _ _ \/ \ /
Only two things / / _| (_\\ ( \/ ) \/
are necessary to | (____/____) \ /
keep one's wife happy: \ ___/ | _ \/
One is to let her `---( ` )
think she is having `-, .'
her own way.. (__.'._/'._/
The other is to let |`| |
her have it. __/ / /
// | `--.
LONGEVITY: || /_____)
jgs `=---`
Married men live longer
than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

MISTAKES:

Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people
remembering the same thing.

THE BATTLE:

A woman always has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says
after that is the beginning of a new argument.

_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

_ _ _
,="`/ / /'=.
/ / / / / / /'.
A Short Lesson In Latin /_/_/_/_/_/ / / \ _.='/
.-' - _ - _ -`"-,/ /\ .'_.='/
/ -_ - _ - _ - _ -\/.'|/_.=`/
Carpe Diem....... Seize the day / @ _="`} _- _- _\.=/_. =";
Carpe Deum....... God is a fish / -"_="} - _ - _ -=_-_"=;
Carpe Carpe...... Seize the fish \-. '=._} ,._--_=_;
Crape Diem....... Bad day `-._ ._ /;' \ `"=.;
Carpe Diem....... Complain daily `"\`;-.}_ _ _.;\ \/ \'=._\
Carpe Per Diem... Seize the check jgs \ =.}\ \ \ \ \' '._=_.\
Carpe Canem...... Seize the dog \_}`=._\_\.'` '=.\
Carpe Devo....... Seize the record
Carnivore Carpe.. RUN!!
Carpe Calypso.... Seize the DAY-O
Carpe Calypso.... Seize the dance
Carpe Calypso.... Seize the boat
Carpe Teva....... Seize the sandal
Carpe Noctum..... Seize the night
Carpe Horribilis. Seize the ugly bear
Carpe Badjokius.. Seize the teller of these jokes

_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

OUR TOWN WAS SO SMALL...
.| , +
* | | (( *
|'| ` ._____
+ ___ | | * |. |' .---"|
_ .-' '-. | | .--'| || | _| |
.-'| _.| | || '-__ | | | || |
|' | |. | || | | | | || |
___| '-' ' "" '-' '-.' '` |____
jgs~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-- The city limits signs were both on the same post!
-- The only excitement on a Saturday night was to watch them check
the dipsticks down at the local Conaco Station.
-- Under the heading of FUTURE CIVIC IMPROVEMENTS they are discussing
the purchase of a second horse.
-- The library closes every time someone borrows the book.
-- The first-string varsity quarterback is a girl in the sixth grade.
-- They drop you from the football team because they don't have a
uniform big enough for you.
-- The local Baskin-Robbins only has three flavors - and one of them
is Skoal!
-- You could get ticketed for speeding while riding a bicycle.
-- Whenever the minister said, "Dearly Beloved," you weren't sure if
he was talking to you, personally!
-- Nighttime lighting consisted of Old Floyd sitting on a bench with
his hunting flashlight!
_ ~ -- You could sit on the
__ .-----, ' front porch in the
.-------------(__)--' / \ . - " summertime, say hello
/ ======== : |.-| _ _ to everyone that
\ : |'-| ~ walked by, and know
'-------------------. \ / ' - . them all!
jgs '-----' .
~ _ -- The town hall is a
-- MCI doesn't call you at dinner room over the local
time because they don't service package liquor store.
your area.
-- The volunteer fire department upgraded their equipment by
purchasing a dozen "SUPER SOAKERS".
-- They had to cancel "Sidewalk Days" because the sidewalk was too
small.
-- The local constable bears a striking resemblance to Barney Fife.
-- The School Crossing sign and the Deer Crossing sign are both on
the same pole (along with the city limits sign).
-- Every time someone has a date, they prepare to change the number
on the town "Population" sign.
-- Instead of a local tax, the town fathers just "pass the hat."
-- You see two NRA stickers on the door of the local hardware store:
One is for the National Rifle Association, the other is for the
National Recovery Act of 1933.
-- If you want to go out and paint the .---; ~
town red, a single can of spray paint | () ~ -
will usually do the trick. |___| ~ - ~
-- Residents are extremely proud of the .-''"H"''-.
recent paving of the town's main |'-------'|
street... both blocks! | ::::. |
-- The area's two biggest industries | ::.:' |
are farming and being bucolic. | ::':: |
-- You've been stopped for a moving | |
violation by a man wearing a baseball | ::::: |
cap, bib overalls, and driving a John | ::... |
Deere tractor. | ::... |
-- The phone company's major equipment | |
is a switch board that sits in the | ::::, |
parlor of a local spinster. | :: :: |
-- Pictures of FDR and JFK still adorn jgs | ::::' |
the walls of most businesses. '._______.'

_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

_..---,
\ _ _|_/
<______>
/ o\ "Missed ya last week, Jim. Where were
| o ,-. | ya?" asked Bob, the longtime fishing
\ \ `\ buddy.
\ ;-._\ .S--.
| / '-._/a a | "Oh, I couldn't make it out to the lake.
| | \ ( _^ ) My wife had a baby!"
/ ; `-..--'`|
/ \ ./ "Oh, how big was it?"
/ `..____.'
| , '-. "Five pounds, eight ounces."
| '-.,=========,
\ `-. JUST | "Dang, hardly worth the bait!"
/ '. `\BORN |
jgs '-. |----'

_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
_______________________
/ //=================/`"-._
| ||=================| D Take this short quiz
jgs \___\\_________________\__.-" and see how you do...

Q1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already,
three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and
she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Yes? No? (Hold that answer)

Q2: It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts!!!!

Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:

Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with
astrologers. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and
drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon,
used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.

Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't
smoke,drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital
affairs.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?

(answers are below)

_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

(answers to the above quiz)
Question 1:

If you said "YES" to the abortion question then you just killed
Beethoven.

Question 2:

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler
_ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

_ .-.
John Nunley - [email protected] ( `. .' )
`. ` /'
To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | |
message to [email protected] and your | |
address will automatically be removed. _|66 |
(__, |
For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)|
http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | |
,_/ |
ASCII Art by Joan Stark | |
http://www.ascii-art.com/ | |
/ '.
Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , )
'-' '--'
ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark
please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm