_______

_______ _
|__ __| | April 9, 2000
| | | |__ ___ Sunday
| | | '_ \ / _ \
.-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____
( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \
`\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___
| | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163
| |
| \_,
| | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S
| |
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'--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated
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O O
/Y/|\
/_<< Heard today on the news that a woman
)~~~( ran out of the church in the of middle
@@@@@@@@@ her own wedding. No one heard her say
)'-'-'( anything. She just threw off her
@@@@@@@@@@@@@ headdress and ran out the side door
) * * * ( with a very determined expression on
)'-''-''-'( her face.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@
|| || Members of the wedding party spent the
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ rest of the afternoon and much of the
) * * * * *( evening searching for the woman, who
)'-''-''-''-''-( was still believed to be wearing her
)* * * * * ( bride's dress... but without avail.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@JGS@

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__w
,%%%% Extremely Ineffective Daily Affirmations
.%%%_/ ,_
%%/(___//
%%||))-' I have the power to channel my imagination into
,%%%)\( ever soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
%%%/ \\
,%%\ ; I assume full responsibility for my actions,
% | | except the ones that are someone else's fault.
| |
/ | I no longer need to punish, deceive, or
jgs /___| compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to
stay employed.

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over
others.

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even
more.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no
personality at all.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious,
self-righteous people around me.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and
complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward
me in many ways to keep me quiet.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But
not nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do
nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice
things.

As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and
disgusting parts.

I am at one with my duality.

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with
imaginary fears.

Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant
nagging?

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no
sweeter words than "I told you so."

False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV.
Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll
find someone.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it
worrying about the future?

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy
is working.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
,
Becoming aware of my character defects leads .---. _//
me to the next step, blaming my parents. //\_/\\ \_\
|/ 0_0 \| /
I will find humor in my everyday life by | ,___, | /
looking for people I can laugh at. \\___// /
`"|"` .'
The next time the universe knocks on my door, .--'/'--'
I will pretend I am not home. / |
| |
My body is a temple. Do you want to | |
come over for midnight mass? .-'\ |
`"""` \
To have a successful relationship I ,---.\
must learn to make it look like I'm \ \
giving as much as I'm getting. \ \
\ \
No way will I accept YES for an answer! .-\ \
/_.' |
I am willing to make the mistakes if /\
someone else is willing to learn from them. jgs \ \
`"

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(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
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Ten most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations
and some matching replies.

1. At the movies:When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Q: Hey, what are you doing here?
A: Well,it's so hot , there were no cool cabs so I thought I'd watch
some advertisements in the cool comfort of the theatre.

,---. 2. In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed
/ \ '. high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
| '.--'\ Q: Sorry, did that hurt?
\ \ '._ A: No, not at all, I'm on local
| |`'. \ '-. anesthesia.....
| | \ '-------\ Why don't you try again or should I
jgs )_( '._______/ try this time?

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Q: Why, why him, of all people?
A: Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter...
Q: Is the "blah blah blah" dish good?
A: No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally
also spit into it...

5. At a family get-together.When some distant aunt meets you after
years...
Q: Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big....
A: Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Q: Is the guy you're marrying good?
A: No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive clout...it's just
the money. ___ ___
.' '----------' '.
7. When you get woken up at / __________ \
midnight by a phone call... 8\ / H.____.H \ /
Q: Sorry. were you sleeping. 8` `"";` `;""`
A: No. I was playing cricket for 8 / LI LI LI \
India at Sharjah and just when 8 | LI LI LI |
you called Salim Malik was `8 | LI LI LI |
betting with me that Pakistan `88\ LI LI LI /
would win. What do you think? jgs '.____________.'

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Q: Hey have you had a haircut?
A: No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Q: Tell me if it hurts?
A: And while I'm telling you, you tell me if I bite.

.----. .----. 10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute
/ ^ \ woman asks...
| '---' '---' | Q: Oh, so you smoke!
\ / A: No, it's a miracle .... it was a chalk
\ / and now it's in flames!!!
\ / (
) , ( )
/ / \ \ .------.------------------.
( / \ ) |-_- = | #
'--' '--' '------'------------------'

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The software engineering community has been placing a great deal of
emphasis lately on metrics and their use in software development. The
following metrics are probably among the most valuable for a software
project:

The Pizza Metric
----------------
How: Count the number of pizza boxes in the lab. What: Measures the
amount of schedule underestimation. If people are spending enough
after-hours time working on the project that they need to have meals
delivered to the office, then there has obviously been a mis-
estimation somewhere.

The Aspirin Metric
------------------
How: Maintain a centrally-located aspirin bottle for use by the team.
At the beginning and end of each month, count the number of aspirin
remaining aspirin in the bottle. What: Measures stress suffered by
the team during the project. This most likely indicates poor project
design in the early phases, which causes over-expenditure of effort
later on. In the early phases, high aspirin-usage probably indicates
that the product's goals or other parameters were poorly defined.

The Beer Metric
---------------
How: Invite the team to a beer bash each Friday. Record the total bar
bill. What: Closely related to the Aspirin Metric, the Beer Metric
measures the frustration level of the team. Among other things, this
may indicate that the technical challenge is more difficult than
anticipated.

The Creeping Feature Metric
---------------------------
How: Count the number of features added to the project after the
design has been signed off, but that were not requested by any
requirements definition. What: This measures schedule slack. If the
team has time to add features that are not necessary, then there was
too much time allocated to a schedule task.
.--.
The "Duck!" Metric _/aa \
------------------ \__\ |
How: This one is tricky, but a likely ) ( ,
metric would be to count the number of / `-----'\
engineers that leave the room when a | --. |
marketing person enters. This is only .-\ --' /-.
valid after a requirements document jgs `'.-_.-_-,_-._-.-'`
has been finalized. What: Measures
the completeness of the initial requirements. If too many
requirements changes are made after the product has been designed,
then the engineering team will be wary of marketing, for fear of
receiving yet another change to a design which met all initial
specifications.

The Status Report Metric
------------------------
How: Count the total number of words dedicated to the project in each
engineer's status report. What: This is a simple way to estimate the
smoothness with which the project is running. If things are going
well, an item will likely read, "I talked to Fred; the widgets are on
schedule." If things are not going as well, it will say, "I finally
got in touch with Fred after talking to his phone mail for nine days
straight. It appears that the widgets will be delayed due to snow in
the Ozarks, which will cause the whoozits schedule to be put on hold
until widgets arrive. If the whoozits schedule slips by three weeks,
then the entire project is in danger of missing the July deadline."

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,%&& %&& %
,%&%& %&%& %&
%& %&% &%&% % &%
% &%% %&% &% %&%&, 15 REASONS WHY
&%&% %&%& %& &%& %
%%& %&%& %&%&% %&%%& FISHING IS BETTER
&%&% %&% % %& &% %%&
&& %&% %&%& %&% %&%' THAN SEX.
'%&% %&% %&&%&%%'%
% %& %& %&% &%%
`\%%.' /`%&'
| | /`-._ _\\/
|, |_ / `-._ ..--~`_
|; |_`\_ / ,\\.~` `-._ - ^
|;: |/^}__..-,@ .~` ~ `o ~
|;: |(____.-' '. ~ - ` ~
|;: | \ / `\ //. - ^ ~
|;: |\ /' /\_\_ ~. _ ~ - //-
jgs\\/;: \'--' `---` `\\//-\\///

1. A big, juicy worm always gets a fish excited.
2. You don't have to eat a fish while it's still flopping around.
3. You can take a leak in the bush anytime you want.
4. Stroking your rod won't piss off a trout.
5. Sipping a beer and scratching your balls is all the foreplay
expected of you.
6. Anything you stick in a fish's face, it eats.
7. A fish will never gag, choke, or come up for air.
8. A red snapper won't cry if you call it a flounder.
9. You wear rubbers on your feet, not on your dick.
10. If you want a bigger pole, you can have a bigger pole.
11. A smart fish knows when to keep
it's mouth shut. __
12. It's okay to cook a fish to make ///\
it taste good. _./////_ _
13. Fish bite for a guy of 60, same .-' __'-. //\
as they do for a guy of 20. / (o) \\ === \////
14. You're never called a jerk when } // `` -=(((
you throw back an ugly fish. `\ ---. /\\\\
15. Fish are real happy when you pick '\'.`/_____.;' '-'
up your gear and go home. jgs `-` `\/

_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
-''--.
_`> `\.-'<
There are three kinds of men... _.' _ '._
.' _.=' '=._ '.
The ones that learn by reading. >_ / /_\ /_\ \ _<
The few who learn by observation. / ( \o/\\o/ ) \
The rest of them have to pee on >._\ .-,_)-. /_.<
the electric fence for themselves. jgs /__/ \__\
'---'

_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

,_
// ""--.._ An American businessman goes to
|| (_) _ "-._ Japan on a business trip, but he
|| _ (_) '-. hates Japanese food, so he asks
|| (_) __..-' the concierge at his hotel if
\\__..--"" there's any place around where
` he can get American food. The
concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just
opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the
phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the
pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing
uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the Heck did you put
on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what
you ordered, pepper only."
_ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)

_ .-.
John Nunley - [email protected] ( `. .' )
`. ` /'
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ASCII Art by Joan Stark | |
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/ '.
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'-' '--'
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