_______ _
                      |__   __| |                   February 23, 2000
                         | |  | |__   ___                   Wednesday
                         | |  | '_ \ / _ \
 .-.     _     ______    | |  | | | |  __/    ____
(   `. .' )   |  ____|   |_|  |_| |_|\___|   |  _ \
 `\   ` .'    | |__ _   _ _ __  _ __  _   _  | |_) | ___  _ __   ___
   |   |      |  __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | |  _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
   |   |      | |  | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | |  __/
   | 66|_     |_|   \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
   |  ,__)                             __/ |
   |(,_|                              |___/           ISSN: 1527-6163
   | |
   | \_,               T H E    S U N D A Y    F U N N I E S
   |   |
   |   |                  M I D W E E K    E D I T I O N
 .'     \
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        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                                                         ,
An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when              /_\
suddenly she had to fart.  She promptly                /_\_\
reached into her bag and sprayed the air              /_/_/_\
with her deodorizer.  Two floors later, a             /_\_\_\
gentleman got on the elevator.                       /_/_/_/_\
                                                     /_\_\_\_\
He began to sniff...                                /_/_/_/_/_\
                                                    /_\_\_\_\_\
The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"     /_/_/_/_/_/_\
                                                   /_\_\_\_\_\_\
"Well, yes I do," he replied.                     /_/_/_/_/_/_/_\
                                              jgs      [___]
"What does it smell like?"

The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kinda smells
like someone shit in a pine tree."
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                                                      .---.
As I was driving to work one rainy morning           /_____\__
a most unfortunate accident occurred.  You          `\/6.6\/--`
see, there was a small 10 year old boy               (  _  )
walking on the sidewalk who just happened            ,'---',
to be in the path of the huge mud puddle I          /   _   \
had just hydroplaned through.                      /\/ (_) \/\
                                                   \ | (_) | /
He had a tough decision to make, should he          \|     |/
go to school all wet and muddy or should he          |_____|
go home and change and probably be late for          |  |  |
school.                                              |  |  |
                                                     \__|__/
So while he was thinking about it...                  |_|_|
I drove by and splashed him again!                   _|_|_|_  jgs
                                                    (___|___)
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                               __T__I___...__7~
                 ,_           `"|-=||==|==|==|
                 [_`'---...,____|"_||__|__|__|_
                 | `'---...__PHILOMENA D_______]
        jgs~^~-~^-^~^'----~^~---~---------~^---'`~^-^~~^-^~^

A father and son went fishing one day.  After a couple hours out in
the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.
He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "I Don't rightly know,
son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his
father, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind
my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not son.  If you don't ask questions,... you'll never
learn anything!"
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

Billy was excited about his first day at school.  So excited in fact,
that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he
desperately needed to go to the bathroom.  So, Billy raised his hand
politely to ask if he could be excused.  Of course, the teacher said
yes, but asked Billy to be quick.

Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and
embarrassed.  "I can't find it," he admitted.

The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he
should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now.  Billy
looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.

        ,;;;,                    Well five minutes later he returned
       ;;/'\;;     .;;;.         to the class room and says to the
       ( ^.^ )    ////\\\        teacher, "I can't find it."
        \_-_/     ( '.' )
      .--'-'--.    \_-_/         Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy,
     /         \   .-"-.         a boy who has been at the school for
    / /|     |\ \ /     \        awhile, to help him find the
    \ \|     |/ ///|   |\\       bathroom.
     \ |_____| / \\|   |//
      (|     |)   \|___|/        So, Tommy and Billy go together and
       |  T  |     |   |         five minutes later they both return
       |  |  |     | T |         and sit down at their seats.  The
       |  |  |     | | |         teacher asks Tommy, "Well, did you
       |  |  |     | | |         find it?"
 jgs  _[__|__]_   _[_|_]_
     (____|____) (___|___)       Tommy is quick with his reply, "Oh
                                 sure, he just had his boxer shorts
                                 on backwards."
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                      CARING FOR THE BLIND...

Paddy was working in a home for the blind when one day, he decided he
was gonna go to the country side and visit a lady friend of his.
Just as luck would have it, three of the blind people he looked after
begged him to take them with for the ride, just to get out to the
country and breath the crisp, fresh air.  All attempts to dissuade
them were fruitless when Paddy came up with a plan to keep them busy
while he was inside with the lady friend.
                                                      _...._
Anyway, so off they went and after a long           .'   \ _'.
drive finally arrived at the cottage where         /##\__/##\_\
upon they were greeted by Paddy's friend.         |\##/  \##/  |
Before going inside he gave his three             |/  \__/  \ _|
blind friends a soccer ball with a bell            \ _/##\__/#/
inside so that they could play a bit of         jgs '.\##/__.'
kick the ball while he was busy.  Paddy,              `""""`
sure that this would keep them out of any
trouble left them and went inside.

About two hours later Paddy decided to check on his friends and
wondered outside.  To his absolute horror there were his three blind
friends being loaded into the back of a police van, handcuffs and
all.  Paddy rushed to his car and followed the van to the Police
station. Absolutely dumbfounded as to what his blind friends could
have done that would warrant them being arrested, he questioned the
arresting officer.

"Well sir, its and open and shut case.  Those three gentleman kicked
an ice cream man to death!"
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of
cars all traveling at the same speed.  However, as they passed a
speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was
pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was
about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was
speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other
cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the
ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?"
the policeman                              ,__
suddenly asked                             |  `'.
the man.                __           |`-._/_.:---`-.._
                        \='.       _/..--'`__         `'-._
"Ummm, yeah..."          \- '-.--"`      ===        /   o  `',
the startled man          )= (                 .--_ |       _.'
replied.                 /_=.'-._             {=_-_ |   .--`-.
                        /_.'    `\`'-._        '-=   \    _.'
The officer                 jgs  )  _.-'`'-..       _..-'`
grinned and added,              /_.'        `/";';`|
"Ever catch *all* the fish?"                 \` .'/
                                              '--'
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)
                                                           _     .-.
      John Nunley  -  [email protected]            ( `. .'   )
                                                           `. `   /'
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               ASCII Art by Joan Stark                       |   |
              http://www.ascii-art.com/                      |   |
                                                            /     '.
Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved.   (   ,    )
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 please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art
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