_______ _
                      |__   __| |                    February 9, 2000
                         | |  | |__   ___                   Wednesday
                         | |  | '_ \ / _ \
 .-.     _     ______    | |  | | | |  __/    ____
(   `. .' )   |  ____|   |_|  |_| |_|\___|   |  _ \
 `\   ` .'    | |__ _   _ _ __  _ __  _   _  | |_) | ___  _ __   ___
   |   |      |  __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | |  _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
   |   |      | |  | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | |  __/
   | 66|_     |_|   \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
   |  ,__)                             __/ |
   |(,_|                              |___/           ISSN: 1527-6163
   | |
   | \_,               T H E    S U N D A Y    F U N N I E S
   |   |
   |   |                  M I D W E E K    E D I T I O N
 .'     \
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        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                   The Blond and the Snow Storm

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow           ..    ..
storm.  She remembered what her dad had          '\    /'
once told her. "If you ever get stuck              \\//
in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow         _.__\\\///__._
and follow it."                                '  ///\\\  '
                                                   //\\
Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and             ./    \.
she started to follow it.   She followed         ''    ''
the plow for about forty-five minutes.
Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was
doing.  She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck
in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Wal-Mart, now you
can follow me over to K-Mart"
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

           _|_
            |
            |                 After the revival had concluded,
           / \                the three pastors were discussing
          //_\\               the results with one another.
         //(_)\\
          |/^\|               The Methodist minister said, "The
          ||_||               revival worked out great for us!
          // \\               We gained four new families."
         //   \\
        // === \\             The Baptist preacher said, "We did
       // =-=-= \\            better than that! We gained six new
      //   ===   \\           families."
     //|         |\\
       |         |            The Presbyterian pastor said,
       |  __ __  |            "Well, we did even better than that!
       | |  |  | |            We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble
       | | -|- | |            makers!"
       |_|__|__|_|
jgs  /`  =======  `\
   /`    =======    `\
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                                        .&&&&&&&&&&&&&.
The madam opened the brothel         .&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&.
door to see an elderly Jewish      .&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&.
man.  His clothes were all        &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
dishevelled and he looked        &&&&&&&&&:&&:&&:&&:&&&&&&&&&&
needy.  "Can I help you?"       &&&&&&&&:&'&''&&''&&'&:&&&&&&&&
the madam asked.               .&&&&&&'((((((     ))))))'&&&&&&.
                               &&&&&&'(/````\     /````\)'&&&&&&
"I want Natalie," the old      &&&&:' `\ (_) ) \ ( (_) /` ':&&&&
man replied.                   && ( :. ''''''   \ `````` .: ) &&
                               &&\ \:::.      ,__)     .:::/ /&&
"Sir, Natalie is one of        '&&\ `:::               :::` /&&'
our most expensive ladies,      &&&`/\:`     .-.-.     `:/\`&&&
perhaps someone else..."       .&&&(  )    .'._,_.'.    (  )&&&.
                               &&&&&&&&\    \` ` `/    /&&&&&&&&
"No, I must see Natalie."      &&&&&&&&&\    `---`    /&&&&&&&&&
                               &&&&&&&&&&`-._     _.-'&&&&&&&&&&
Just then Natalie             &&&&&&&&&&&    `"""`    &&&&&&&&&&&
appeared and announced       &jgs&&&&&&'                '&&&&&&&&&
to the old man that she
charges $1,000 per visit.  The man never blinked and reached into his
pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for
an hour whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie.  Natalie
explained that no one had ever comeback two nights in a row and that
there were no discounts... it was still $1,000.  Again the old man
took out the money,  the two went up to the room and he calmly left
an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe
it.  Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.
At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has
ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."

"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there."

"Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                                                     .---.
The Barracks Door is Open                       ___ /_____\
                                               /\.-`( '.' )
Mr. Larson got himself a new secretary.       / /    \_-_/_
She was young, sweet and very polite.         \ `-.-"`'V'//-.
One day while taking dictation, she            `.__,   |// , \
noticed his fly was open.  When leaving            |Ll //Ll|\ \
the room, she said, "Mr. Larson, your              |__//   | \_\
barracks door is open."                           /---|[]==| / /
                                                  \__/ |   \/\/
He did not understand her remark, but             /_   | Ll_\|
later on he happened to look down and              |`^"""^`|
saw his zipper was open.  He decided               |   |   |
to have some fun with his secretary.               |   |   |
                                                   |   |   |
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way,             |   |   |
Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door          L___l___J
was open this morning, did you also                 |_ | _|  jgs
notice a soldier standing at attention?"           (___|___)
                                                    ^^^ ^^^
The secretary replied, "Why, no sir,
all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)
              ,
     __  _.-"` `'-.
    /||\'._ __{}_(        This guy was driving down the highway and
    ||||  |'--.__\        was pulled over by the cops.  The cop asked
    |  L.(   ^_\^         the man for his name and the guy replied,
    \ .-' |   _ |         "Earl."
    | |   )\___/
    |  \-'`:._]           "You got a last name, Earl?"
    \__/;      '-.
    |   |o     __ \       "Nope.  It's a long story, Officer."
    |   |o     )( |
jgs |   |o     \/ \       "I got time."

Earl sighs and says, "Well, Officer, at first I was known as Earl Doo-
Daa. I was going to school to become a doctor, and I did, so I was
known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD.

I got bored just being a doctor so I went to dental school,
graduated, and became Earl Doo-Daa, M.D., D.D.

After a little more time I fooled around with this girl and got VD.
So I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD, DD, with VD.

When the medical board found out about my VD they took away my MD so
I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, DD with VD.  The dentistry board also
found out about the VD and took away my DD making me Earl Doo-Dah
with VD.

Finally, the VD took away my Doo-Dah so I'm now just Earl."
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                   \                           /
                    `I=.                   .=I`
                    /|\ `"=I._       _.I="` /|\
                   |/|\|  /|\ `"=I="` /|\  |/|\|
                   |/|\| |/|\|  /|\  |/|\| |/|\|
                   |/#\| |/|\| |/|\| |/|\| |/#\|
                   |###| |/#\| |/|\| |/#\| |###|
               jgs  \#/  |###| |/#\| |###|  \#/
                     `    \#/  |###|  \#/    `
                           `   |###|   `
                                \#/

A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a
rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, "What the
hell is that all about?"

The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his
feathers got  singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep
him warm.  There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold
down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                                                         |
          The Costume Party                         _|\__|__/|_
                                                   `>.-' |\'-.<`
A guy goes into a costume shop.  He says,          /.-' /|'\'-.\
"I'm going to a costume party and I want          '--.-/.|\-..--'
to go as Adam."                                      |/|/|.|\|
                                                     ' |.|\| '
The girl brings out a fig leaf.  He says,       jgs    '/.\'
"Not big enough." She brings out a bigger
one. He says, "Still not big enough."  She brings out a huge fig leaf
(the biggest one in the costume shop). But he still complains, "It's
just not big enough."

Frustrated she says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over
your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                                                           _     .-.
      John Nunley  -  [email protected]            ( `. .'   )
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               ASCII Art by Joan Stark                       |   |
              http://www.ascii-art.com/                      |   |
                                                            /     '.
Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved.   (   ,    )
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 please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art
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