_______ _
                      |__   __| |                    January 19, 2000
                         | |  | |__   ___                   Wednesday
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   |  ,__)                             __/ |
   |(,_|                              |___/           ISSN: 1527-6163
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   | \_,               T H E    S U N D A Y    F U N N I E S
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   |   |                  M I D W E E K    E D I T I O N
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        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                                                sSSSs
                                               SSSSSSS
                                               SSSSSSS
                                                SSSSS
                                              .--' '--.
                                             /         \
                                            / |       | \
This 65 year old woman is naked,           / / \  :  / \ \
jumping up and down on her bed            ( (   ) : (   ) )
laughing and singing.  Her husband         \ \ /     \ / /
walks into the bedroom and sees            _`\/   .   \/`_____
her.  He watches her a while then         /~~;         ;~~~~~/|
says, "You look ridiculous!  What        /    '.__|__.'    _/
on earth do you think you're doing?"    /__________________/
                                        |              jgs |
She says,
"I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an
eighteen-year-old."  She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old
ass?"

"Your name never came up..." she replied.
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                                                  .\^/.
                                                . |`|/| .
                                                |\|\|'|/|
A man walks into a friend and sees that      .--'-\`|/-''--.
his friend's car is total loss and            \`-._\|./.-'/
covered with leaves, grass, branches,          >`-._|/.-'<  jgs
dirt and blood.  He asks his friend,          '~|/~~|~~\|~'
"What's happened to your car?"                      |

      |       "Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".
    .'|'.
   /.'|\ \    "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But
   | /|'.|    what about the  leaves, the grass, the branches and
    \ |\/     the dirt?"
jgs   \|/
      `       "Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

       o888o
      88P .(
      88  _/           An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up
     # /_(             and down the halls in her wheelchair making
     #/  ))            sounds like she's driving a car.  As she's
     # \==/_           going down the hall an old man jumps out of
    .=\ \;  \\         a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you
   / \  / \| \\        were speeding."  "Can I see your driver's
  |-- ()--|\ .==.      license?"
   \ /  \ / ( () )
jgs `===='   '=='      She digs around in her purse a little, pulls
                       out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him.  He
looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.  Up and
down the halls she goes again.  Again, the same old man jumps out of
a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center
line back there."  "Can I see your registration please?"

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and
hands it to him.  He looks it over, gives her another warning and
sends her on her way.  She zooms off again up and down the halls
weaving all over.  As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps
out.  He's stark naked  and has an erection!

The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no-not the
Breathalyzer again!"
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                                                  __.__
                                               .-'     `-.
                                             :` .   .   . `:
                                             :.` `.` `.` `.:
The Italian and the Polish parachutists       \   \   /   /
were arguing about who was best at             `\  \ /  /'
folding a parachute.  Unable to resolve          `\ Y /'
their dispute on the ground, they decided          `|'
to go up in the plane and judge by the             ()
mid-air performance of their chutes.             --[]--
                                                   //     jgs
The Pole jumped first, pulled the cord,            \\
and started floating toward the earth.             ``
The Italian jumped, pulled the cord - and
nothing happened. He pulled the safety cord - nothing.  In a matter
of seconds he whizzed past the Pole, plummeting like a stone.

"Oh," shouted the Pole, yanking off his harness, "so ya wanna race!"
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

The boss came in and asked the            ________  .====
new secretary, "Ellen, do you            [________>< :===
know the difference between a                       '====
Caesar Salad and a blow job?"             ________ ___,,,,,,,
                                         [________>__________\
"No," she replied.
                                          ________   .==.
"Great! Let's have lunch."          jgs  [________>c((_  )
                                                     '=='
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

Dear Diary,

It's been a while since I've made an entry, but I've been rather
busy.  Between work, family and my never ending search for the
perfect Hooters waitress, I just haven't had the time.  But tonight
something special happened.  During the celebration of my youngest
daughter's first birthday, we discovered that she is a genius.
                                                   *
With cameras rolling we put her               _....#...._
first piece of birthday cake in           .-'`     #     `'-.
front of her.  One taste and she          |`-.............-'|
was off to the races.  Cake               | Happy Birthday! |
everywhere.  The table, the               \   _  .-.   _    /
floor, the chair and a four inch        ,-|'-' '-'  '-' '-'`|-,
radius around her mouth, pretty       /`  \._             _./  `\
much her entire face.  She did        '._    `"""""""""""`    _.'
manage to get a goodly amount            `''--...........--''`
into her mouth by herself, but                    ) (
that's not what makes her a genius.           .--'   '--.   jgs
                                             /           \
When she had finished and realized that      `'---------'`
she wasn't going to get another piece,
she picked up the paper plate and began to lick the frosting off of
it! I didn't learn that trick until I was almost 20 years-old!

             .===.            "Honey!  Honey!  Do you see that?
            / ,,, \           She's a genius," I said as fatherly
           ( /6.6\ )          pride began to seep in.
           )(  _  )(
          (_/;---;\_)         "She picked up the plate and licked
           /  "="  \          it.  She's a genius!"
          ( (_.@._) )
          /'._\|/_.'\         My wife thought so, too. She said,
         /. . . . . .\        "Yeah. She gets that from your side
         `"`"|"|"|"`"`        of the family."
   jgs      _|_|_|_
           (___|___)
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called
his lawyer.  "I want to become a lawyer.  How much is the express
degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said.  "But why?  You'll be dead soon, why
do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree.  His lawyer was at
his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was
clear that this would be the end.  Still curious, the lawyer leaned
over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted
to get a law degree       .--. .-,       .-..-.__
so badly before         .'(`.-` \_.-'-./`  |\_( "\__
you died?"           __.>\ ';  _;---,._|   / __/`'--)
                    /.--.  : |/' _.--.<|  /  | |
                _..-'    `\     /' /`  /_/ _/_/
                 >_.-``-. `Y  /' _;---.`|/))))
                '` .-''. \|:  \.'   __, .-'"`
                 .'--._ `-:  \/:  /'  '.\             _|_
In a faint           /.'`\ :;   /'      `-           `-|-`
whisper, as         -`    |     |                      |
he breathed               :.; : |                  .-'~^~`-.
his last,                 |:    |                .' _     _ `.
the old man said,         |:.   |                | |_) | |_) |
"One less lawyer..."      :. :  |                | | \ | |   |
                        .jgs. : ;                |           |
                -."-/\\\/:::.    `\."-._'."-"_\\-|           |///."-
                " -."-.\\"-."//.-".`-."_\\-.".-\\`=.........=`//-".
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)


                                                           _     .-.
      John Nunley  -  [email protected]            ( `. .'   )
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               ASCII Art by Joan Stark                       |   |
              http://www.ascii-art.com/                      |   |
                                                            /     '.
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