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                       _______ _
                      |__   __| |                    October 24, 1999
                         | |  | |__   ___                      Sunday
                         | |  | '_ \ / _ \
 .-.     _     ______    | |  | | | |  __/    ____
(   `. .' )   |  ____|   |_|  |_| |_|\___|   |  _ \
 `\   ` .'    | |__ _   _ _ __  _ __  _   _  | |_) | ___  _ __   ___
   |   |      |  __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | |  _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
   |   |      | |  | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | |  __/
   | 66|_     |_|   \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
   |  ,__)                             __/ |
   |(,_|                              |___/
   | |
   | \_,
   |   |               T H E    S U N D A Y    F U N N I E S
   |   |
 .'     \
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        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)
                                                        _
                                                      .' '.
Are You Ready to Have a Baby?                    __  /     \   _
                                                /.-;|  /'._|_.'#`\
MESS TEST                                      ||   |  |  _       |
                                               \\__/|  \.' ;'-.__/
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and             '--' \     /
curtains.  Now rub your hands in the wet          jgs '._.'
flower bed and rub on the walls.  Place a
fish stick behind the couch and leave it there
all summer.  Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not
available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have
a friend spread them all over the house.  Put on a blindfold.  Try to
walk to the bathroom or kitchen.  Do not scream (this could wake a
child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with
you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and
pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus.  Stuff into a small net bag
making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST

Obtain a large plastic milk jug.  Fill halfway with water.  Suspend
from the ceiling with a stout cord.  Start the jug swinging.  Try to
insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios)
into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now
dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

             __,    NIGHT TEST
         .-"`{*}
       ."  ::{*}    Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill
      / .:.  {*}    it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand.  Soak it
     |:: ' ::{*}                        thoroughly in water.  At 8:00
    {^"*"^"*"^"*"^"*"^"*"^"*"^}         PM begin to waltz and hum
    |^=.=^=.=^=.=^=.=^=.=^=.=^|         with the bag until 9:00 PM.
  ()-():.  .:.  .:.  .:.  .:. |         Lay down your bag and set
  /o o\' :: ' :: ' :: ' :: '  |         your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get
 _\ Y /_.  .:.  .:.  .:.  .:. |         up, pick up your bag, and
O__`&`__O : ' :: '   .--.  '  |_        sing every song you have ever
  /   \^"*"^[A]^"*"^/____\"^,_(')<      heard. Make up about a dozen
 ()/^\()=^=[B][C].=^\~~~~/.=\___)       more and sing these too until
jgs                            '--'     4:00 AM.  Set alarm for 5:00
                                        AM.  Get up and make break-
PHYSICAL TEST                           fast.  Keep this up for 5
                                        years. Look cheerful.
Obtain a large bean-bag chair and
attach it to the front of your clothes.        .-. _,,,,,_ .-.
Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove       ( , ' :   : ' , )
10% of the beans.  Purchase a newspaper.       /    :   :    \
Go home and read it quietly for the last      ;    0.---.0    ;
time.                                          \  /   _   \  /
                                                \ |  (_)  | /
FINAL ASSIGNMENT                              ." `\  -'-  /` ".
                                             /     `"""""`     \
Find a couple who already have a small      /   .'   .-== '.    \
child.  Lecture them on how they can       /   /       .-=='\    \
improve their child's discipline,         (   /              \    )
patience, tolerance, toilet training,      '-;`.             .';-'
and table manners.  Suggest many ways        /_  `-.______ .-` __\
they can improve. Emphasize to them       /`  `\  /      `\  /   `\
that they should never allow their        \    | /         \ |    /
children to run wild. Enjoy this           `'--'`    jgs    `'--'`
experience. It will be the last time
you will have all the answers.
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)


                                              \\\ ,
NEWS FLASH!                                    \ `|
                                                ) (   .-""-.
Scientists at MIT (Mammary Institute of         | |  /_  {  '.
Technology) have discovered a new force,        | | (/ `\   } )
quite possibly the most powerful yet.           | |  ^/ ^`}   {
Researchers have dubbed this new force          \  \ \=  ( {   )
"breast gravity." It is the nearly               \  \ '-, {   {{
irresistible force that draws men's eyes          \  \_.'  ) }  )
down to women's breasts.                           \.-'   (     (
                                                   @  .'   ) (  }
"The idea came to me out of the blue,"             \_( @  {   _/\
says team leader Frank Leerer. "I was               ) '--' `-;\  \
walking along the beach with a                  _.-'       /  / /
colleague of mine, and we saw            <\/>_.'         .'  / /
a woman in a string bikini.          <\/></\>/.  '      /<\// /
'Check out the globes on her!'   jgs </\>  _ |\`- _ . -/|<// (
he said. That's when the idea     <\/>    - _- `  _.-'`_/- |  \
hit me like a brick house."        </\>        -  - -  -     \\\
                                   }`<\/>                <\/>`{
Theorists have been working        { </\>-<\/>_<\/>_<\/>-</\> }
around the clock to explain        }      </\> </\> </\>      {
the biophysical mechanism behind
the phenomenon. It is believed that like the other fundamental forces
of the universe, breast gravity is mediated by an elementary
particle. MIT scientists have named this theoretical particle the
"boobon."

Many aspects of the new force have now been determined empirically.
It is known that breast gravity grows exponentially with breast size.
Also, experimentalists think that many materials must absorb boobons,
because layers of clothing can significantly decrease the force. (A
large parka can sometimes nullify the effect completely.)

Still, there are mysteries yet to be solved. For example, why are
almost all men's eyes affected, but only a small fraction of women's?
How can it be that the force is transmitted even through televised
and printed images of breasts?

Scientists everywhere are looking into it.
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                                          ,;;;;;;;,         _,_
Male & Female Interpretations           .;;;;;;;;;;;.     .;;;;;.
                                      .;;;/'^'.'^'\;;;.  /'^'.'^'\
THINGY (thing-ee) n.                  ;;;(  O   O  );;; (  O   O  )
                                      ';;;\   o   /;;;'  \   o   /
female:  Any part under a car's         ';;'._-_.';;'     '._-_.'
         hood.                              {\_/}          <>o<>
  male:  The strap fastener on a     jgs   / `Y` \        /` : `\
         woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

female:  Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
  male:  Playing ball without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

female:  The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
         partner.
  male:  Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a
         weekend with the guys.

BUTT (but) n.

female:  The body part that every item of clothing manufactured
         makes "look bigger."
  male:  The organ of mooning and farting.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

female:  A desire to get married and raise a family.
  male:  Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
         girlfriend.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

female:  A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
  male:  A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2
         minutes.

TASTE (tayst) v.

female:  Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to
         make sure it's good.
  male:  Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad,
         prior to tossing it out.
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)


                                                        .=.
JUSTICE DEPARTMENT SUES WOMEN                          //"\\
                                                      (/6 6\)
(WASHINGTON, JRI) -- The U.S. Justice Department,     )\ = /(
50 states and Washington, D.C., formally filed       (_ ) ( _)
antitrust lawsuits against the female gender         / `\_/` \
today for the bundling of affection with sexual     / (_ @ _) \
gratification.                                      \ \)___(/ /
                                                     \/     \/
"Women have a monopoly on that thang," announced      |     |
Janet Reno, ironically the sole exception to that     |     |
rule.  "For years now, they have extorted affec-      |_____|
tion and in some cases marriage from men who            |||
simply seek access to said thang."  The lawsuit         |||
seeks to establish a true marketplace for sexual       / Y \  jgs
satisfaction, free from the distortion of anti-        `"`"`
competitive practices.  Women's organizations were
quick to dismiss the suit as "frivolous."

"However," noted NOW President Jill Ireland, "in order not to further
distort the legal process, we will refrain from all but true
procreative sexual activity for the duration of the lawsuit so that
no juror bias is possible."  A settlement is expected soon.
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                                .".".".
Little Johnny's father        (`       `)               _.-=-.
sat down next to him on        '._.--.-;             .-`  -'  '.
the couch one day and         .-'`.o )  \           /  .-_.--'  `\
said, "Okay, Johnny,         `;---) \    ;         /  / ;' _-_.-' `
once there was this big,       `;"`  ;    \        ; .  .'   _-' \
black rooster, and it           (    )    |        |  / .-.-'    -`
was sitting on a fence           '-.-'     \       | .' ` '.-'-\`
post. How many wings               /_./\_.|\_\      ;  ' .'-'.-.
does the rooster have?"           /         '-._    \` /  _;-,
                                 |         .-=-.;-._ \  -'-,
Johnny replied, "It has two."    \        /      `";`-`,-"`)
                                  \       \     '-- `\.\
Little Johnny's father then        '.      '._ '-- '--'/
asked, "How many eyes does the       `-._     `'----'`;
rooster have?"                           `"""--.____,/
                                                \\  \
Johnny replied, "It has two."                   // /`
                                            ___// /__
Little Johnny's father then asked,        (`(`(---"-`)     jgs
"Well then, how many legs do you
think the rooster had?"
                           Johnny replied, "It has two, daddy."
 _ _..._ __
\)`    (` /      So then, Little Johnny's daddy said, "Well then, a
 /      `\       big white cat walks up to where the big black
|  d  b   |                    rooster is standing on the fence post
=\  Y    =/--..-="````"-.      and opens its mouth to hiss at the
  '.=__.-'               `\    rooster.  How many teeth does the
     o/                 /\ \             cat have?"
     |                 | \ \   / )
      \    .--""`\    <   \ '-' /  Little Johnny scratched his head
     //   |      ||    \   '---'   and replied, "I don't know daddy,
jgs ((,,_/      ((,,___/           how many teeth does the cat have?"

Little Johnny's daddy grabbed him by the arm and exclaimed, "Alright
boy, how come you know so much about big black cocks and so little
about white pussy?"
        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                                                           _     .-.
      John Nunley  -  [email protected]            ( `. .'   )
                                                           `. `   /'
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               ASCII Art by Joan Stark                       |   |
              http://www.ascii-art.com/                      |   |
                                                            /     '.
Copyright (c) 1999 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved.   (   ,    )
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