_______ _
|__ __| | November 2, 1997
| | | |__ ___ Sunday
| | | '_ \ / _ \
.-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____
( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \
`\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___
| | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here,
| | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as
| \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco.
| |
| | I Love Monkeys!
.' \
( , ) I love monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five
'--' '-' cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were norm-
ally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift
horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I love monkeys.
__,__
I took my 200 monkeys home. I .--. .-" "-. .--.
have a big car. I let one drive. / .. \/ .-. .-. \/ .. \
His name was Sigmund. He was | | '| / Y \ |' | |
retarded. In fact, none of them | \ \ \ 0 | 0 / / / |
were really bright. They kept \ '- ,\.-"`` ``"-./, -' /
punching themselves in their `'-' /_ ^ ^ _\ '-'`
genitals. I laughed. Then they .--'| \._ _./ |'--.
punched my genitals. I stopped /` \ \ `~` / / `\
laughing. I like monkeys? / '._ '---' _.' \
/ '~---~' | \
I herded them into my room. / _. \ \
They didn't adapt very well / .'-./`/ .'~'-.|\ \
to their new environment. / / `\: / `\'. \
They would screech, hurl / | ; | '.`; /
themselves off of the couch \ \ ; \ \/ /
at high speeds and slam into '. \ ; \ \ ` /
the wall. Although humorous '._'. \ '. | ;/_
at first, the spectacle lost jgs /__> '. \_ _ _/ , '--.
its novelty halfway into .' '. .-~~~~~-. / |--'`~~-. \
it's third hour. // / .---'/ .-~~-._/ / / /---..__.' /
((_(_/ / / (_(_(_(---.__ .'
Two hours later I found out | | _ `~~`
why all the monkeys were so | | \'.
inexpensive: they all died. No \ '....' |
apparent reason. They all just sorta' '.,___.'
dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy
a gold fish and it dies five hours later. Except times 200 and much
bigger. Damn cheap monkeys. I'm liking monkey's less and less.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over
my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It
looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried pretending that
## I tried to flush one down the ,## they were just stuffed
## toilet. It didn't work. It ,##' animals. That worked
##, got stuck. Then I had one ,## for a while, that is until
'##, dead, wet monkey and 199 ,##' they began to decompose.
'## dead, dry monkeys. ##' It started to smell real
## __, ## bad. Damn monkeys.
## __.-' \ ##
## ___.-'__.--'\ | ##, I had to pee but there was
## .-' .-, ( | | _ '## a dead monkey in the
##/ / /""=\ \ | | / \ ##, toilet and I didn't want
'#| |_\ / / | | / \ '## to call the plumber. I
/ `-` a a '-'`\ | | | | \ ,## was embarrassed.
\_, (__) ,_/ / / | \ \ ##'
/ / \ \\ / / | |\ \ ## __ I tried to slow down
| /`.__.-'-._)|/ / | | \ \##`__) the decomposition by
\ ^ / / | | | v## '--. freezing them.
'._ '-'_.' / _.----. | | l ,## (_,' Unfortunately, there
'##'-, ` `"""/ `'/| | / ,##--, ) was only enough room
'#/` ` ' |' ##' `" for two monkeys at a
| /\_/#' time so I had to
jgs | __. .-,_.;###` change them every 30 seconds.
_|___/_..---'''` _/ (###' I also had to eat all the food
.-'` ____,...---""``` `._ in the freezer so it didn't all
( --'' __,.,---. ',_) go bad. I dislike monkeys.
`.,___,..---'`` / / \ '._
| | ( ( `. '-._) I tried burning them. Little
| / \ \ \'-._) did I know my bed was flammable.
| | \ \ `"` I had to extinguish the fire.
| | \ \
| | .-, ) | Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet,
| | ( ( / / two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and
| | \ '---' / 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my
/ \ `-----` bed. The odor wasn't improving.
| , /
|(_/\-, I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my
\ ,_`) monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one
`-._) of my monkeys. I felt better.
.="=.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man _/.-.-.\_ _
said that the city was not allowed to dispose of ( ( o o ) ) ))
charred primates. I told him that I had a wet |/ " \| //
one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't \'---'/ //
bother asking about the frozen ones. /`"""`\\ ((
/ /_,_\ \\ \\
_ _ I finally arrived at a \_\\_'__/ \ ))
((\o/)) solution. I gave them out /` /`~\ |//
.-----//^\\-----. as Christmas gifts. My / / \ /
| /`| |`\ | friends didn't know quite ,--`,--'\/\ /
| | | | what to say. They pretend- '-- "--' '--' jgs
| | | | ed that they like them, but
| | | | I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I
'------===------' punched them in the genitals. I hate monkeys!
_ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
.--. .--.
: (\ ". _......_ ." /) :
'. ` ` .'
Camp Outs /' _ _ `\
/ 0} {0 \
by | / \ |
| /' `\ |
Patrick McManus \ | . .==. . | /
'._ \.' \__/ './ _.'
jgs / ``'._-''-_.'`` \
`--`
Every year, thousands of Americans are introduced to the sport of
camping. There are many approaches to it. "Car camping," for example,
is where the camp is within 20 feet of the car, and a portion of each
is actually spent in the car, either because the tent collapsed or
somebody thought he "heard a bear."
_________
/ ;~~~~~~`\ "Backpacking" is where the camp is
____/ |________\________ more than 20 feet from the car, and
/ : `\ no portion of the night is actually
|> .--.:^^ .--. _<) spent in the car, except in dire
{____/ .. \___________/ .. \____} emergencies, such as when someone
\ '' / \ '' / thinks he "saw a bear."
jgs '--' '--'
"Solitary camping" is where a lone camper
lies awake at night wondering how he could have been so stupid as not
to have brought somebody along with him. You know you are involved in
solitary camping when asked, "Did you hear that funny noise just then?"
and nobody answers. Of course, it may be that the reason you are sud-
denly involved in solitary camping is that the person you were with
heard that funny sound just then and is now engaged in car camping.
"Group camping" may consist of as many as 40 individuals, none of whom
thought to bring a can opener. A Cub Scout outing is typical of group
camping, and it often ends with the adult leaders spending the night
pressed inside a pup tent with 14 Cub Scouts because somebody had the
bright idea to telling scary stories around the campfire.
And if you listen closely, you will hear one L|J(_)
of the expressions most heard around the camp- ) | (") (
grounds. "When hell freezes over." This is ,(. |`/ \- y (,`)
used by wives and mothers to indicate the next )' (' | \ /\/ ) (.
time you'll get them on another camping trip. (' ),) | _W_ (,)' ).
_ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
Napoleon and Wellington were trying to avoid the fight at Waterloo
through diplomatic discussions. The night came and they went in their
tents. At 5 AM Napoleon got up and sneak to Wellington's tent and
whispered:
"Wellington"
"What?" came the answer.
.-"""""-. "Fuck you !!" and he ran away.
.-" "-.
__/ \__ The next morning, Napoleon sneaks again to
\ .-"""""-. / Wellington's tent and whispers:
'----//o o\\----'
( _\ ) "Wellington"
,____`\ = /`____,
// \ `;'---' ` / \ "Yes?"
\\/ |-o \//
| | | | | "Fuck you !" and ran away.
| | |-o |\ |
\ `--| |/ / Very angry, knowing who it was but having
'._ |-o | / no proof, Wellington decided to do the
'|""| | .' same in revenge. So in the next morning
| |-o |-` he wakes up at 4 AM and sneaks to
| | | Napoleon's tent and whispers:
|_/ \_____|
jgs | | | "Napoleon"
| | |
\'-.|.-'/ "Who's asking ?" said Napoleon.
] _|_ [
/ | \ "Wellington!"
/ / \ \
(___/` `\___) "Fuck you!"
_ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing
to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman. After
several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a
personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in
the Australian Outback. They end up getting married. On their wedding
night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.
|\\._ When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her
| 66__ new husband standing in the middle of the room,
\ _.P naked, and all the furniture from the room piled
, `) ( in one corner.
)\ / __\__
/ / / -._);_) "What happened?" she asks.
| `\/ \ __|\
\ ; ) / ) "I've never been with a woman" he says, "but if
`\| /__/ /__ it's anything like screwing a kangaroo... I'm
jgs `\______)___) gonna need all the room I can get!"
_ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
Ned is down on his luck in Las Vegas. He has
O gambled away all his money and has to borrow a dime
| /| from another gambler just to use the men's room.
|_(__\ The stall happens to be open and he uses the dime
\ )\ in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes
jgs )( /_ his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and
"""""""""""""" turns his small winnings into a million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned goes on the lecture circuit,
where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he is
eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he
will share his fortune with him. After months of speaking, a man in the
audience jumps up and says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you
the dime."
"You aren't the one I'm looking for. I mean the guy who left the door
open!"
_ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
__....__ A guy comes walking into a bar with
jgs .-~~/ \__/ \~~-. a little turtle in his hand. The
/_/``\__/ \__/``\_\.--. turtle's one eye is black and blue,
/ \__/ \__/ \__/ \ o`. two of his legs are bandaged, and
`==/\__/__\__/__\__/__\__/\`'--' his whole shell is taped together
~/__/__/^^^^^^^^\__\__\~ with duct tape.
The bartender asks the man: "What is wrong with your turtle?"
"Nothing", the man responds, "This turtle is very fast. Take your dog
and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other
end of the room and call your dog. Before your dog reaches you my
turtle will be there."
So the bartender, wanting to see this, calls his dog over (who was at
the piano playing requests for tips). The bartender went to the other
side of the bar and called his dog. Then suddenly the guy picked up his
turtle and threw it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and
smashing into the wall.
"Told you it'll be there before your dog."
_ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
.-.
/- \ Drunk: "Excuse me , but has a lemon got legs?"
|= |
\ / Barkeep: "No"
/ \
/_ |_ Drunk: "Well then, I've just squeezed your canary into
my martini."
_ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
_ .-.
John Nunley <
[email protected]> ( `. .' )
`. ` /'
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