_______ _
|__ __| | August 24, 1997
| | | |__ ___ Sunday
| | | '_ \ / _ \
.-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____
( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \
`\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___
| | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here,
| | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as
| \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco.
| |
| | A Penguin
.' \
( , ) A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny.
'--' '-' So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has
five dollars, so they kick him out. The guy goes to the
next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out.
___
/ \ So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes
\ ^/_\ to the next one and says, "Look, I only have five
/ \ dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow-job
| \\ for 5 dollars!"
| |\
| || The guy there says "OK. For five dollars, we can
/ / / give you a penguin."
/---' /
jgs /-----'=== "What's a penguin?"
"You'll see." So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a
bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin."
Soon, a whore comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as
he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away. Now, the horny guy
with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting...
"HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!"
_ _
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(_.===============================================._)
,;;;, A Flash
())))))
((((((( Mrs. Poll, a keen gardener, notices that her
))))))) neighbor's tomatoes are growing a lot faster
.----'((((((('----. than hers; more of them, big, juicy, red
(| ))))) |) tomatoes. One morning she plucks up the
'-..' ((( : '..-' courage to ask him what he does to make them
| : ) : | grow so wonderfully. He looks a little
| : : -| awkward, then replies "After I've fed and
| : : -| watered them, I give them a 'flash'. It
| : -| seems to work".
| : : -|
|_____________| Mrs. Poll looks aghast, says "Really?!", and
| | | returns indoors. She watches her neighbors,
|_|_| and sure enough, when he's finished watering
(_I_) the plants, he gives them a "flash". She
jgs Y Y decides to give it a try.
Later in the evening, when no-one is around, she creeps into the garden
and gives her plants a "flash". She continues to do this for the full
week.
The following week-end, the neighbors peers over the fence and asks how
the tomatoes are getting on. She replies, "The tomatoes are still the
same, but the cucumbers are enormous!"
_ _
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(_.===============================================._)
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the
door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything
there is golden."
"Bullshit! There's no such place!"
Guy says, "Sure there is! It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor,
the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the
phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She
calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the
phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?" ___
"'-.'.
"Sure do." \ \
; ;
"Do you have golden floors?" .| |.---,
:| ||o |
"Most certainly do." \ o o|
jgs '._.'
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey,
Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last
night!"
_ _
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(_.===============================================._)
