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Cheers and Jeers: Wednesday [1]
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Date: 2025-09-17
Happy Birthday, Brittle Parchment of Liberty
I hope you put some extra starch in your bloomers this morning because no slouching is allowed on Constitution Day. 238 years ago, on September 17, 1787, the U.S. Constitution—currently clinging to life as Republicans up their efforts to smother it with a MyPillow (Use promo code “IOKIYAR” to get 20% off your order)—was signed by delegates from 12 states. And you can thank a wily West Virginia Democrat for making us pay attention to the damn thing at least once a freakin’ year:
The law establishing the present holiday was created in 2004 with the passage of an amendment by Senator Robert Byrd to the omnibus spending bill of 2004. Before this law was enacted, the holiday was known as "Citizenship Day" and celebrated on the third Sunday in May. In addition to renaming the holiday "Constitution Day and Citizenship Day," the act mandates that all publicly funded educational institutions, and all federal agencies, provide educational programming on the history of the American Constitution on that day.
Fun facts:
» At 81, Benjamin Franklin of Pennsylvania was the oldest delegate at the Constitutional Convention, and at 26 Jonathan Dayton of New Jersey was the youngest. Someone take that poor thing to OfficeMax and laminate it. » The original Constitution is on display at the National Archives in Washington, D.C. When the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor, it was moved to Fort Knox for safekeeping. » More than 11,000 amendments have been introduced in Congress. Thirty three have gone to the states to be ratified and twenty seven have received the necessary approval from the states to actually become amendments to the Constitution. » The boogers stuck to the document represent the Dred Scott, Bush v. Gore, Citizens United, and Dobbs decisions, along with the language about the electoral college.
According to The Daily Show's classic history manual America (The Book), the early reviews were boffo:
"Checks, balances, executive, legislative, judiciary—this baby's got it all!"
—George Washington, Mount Vernon Bee-Dispatch "The Constitution grabs you right from the Preamble and doesn't let go until the last Article…the must-ratify document of the summer!"
—Alexander Hamilton, New York Post
Got what it takes to be a constitutional scholar? Take the annual 10-question quiz here and the 50-question mega quiz here.
And since I enjoy taking my First Amendment right to free speech out for a walk every now and then, let me freely express this: since its introduction, the Pam Bondi inflatable doll has sold only one unit. The buyer says it works great for scarin’ away the crows.
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, September 17, 2025
Note: A critical, time-sensitive reminder that today is also National Apple Dumpling Day. Please, apples: dumple responsibly.
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3 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til election day: 48
Days 'til Cider Days in Springfield, Missouri: 3
Number of the 100 Virginia House of Delegates districts in which Democrats have fielded candidates for November’s elections: 100
Number of Virginia districts in which Republicans have fielded candidates: 84
Number of the last 30 political attacks since 2018 committed by a left-wing individual: 0
Percent chance that Fox News' Brian Kilmeade should've been fired for his call to murder all of America's mentally-ill homeless citizens: 100%
Amount for which actress Bette Davis's 7,000 square-foot waterfront home in Cape Elizabeth, Maine was recently sold: $3.4 million
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 181 (including 4 false prophets and…actually, let's make that 5). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: In Oconto, Wisconsin, four adoptable pups that are "litter-ally adorable…"
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JEERS to living down to expectations. News flash that will surprise no one: the government will shut down in two weeks and Republicans, who control every goddamn branch of everything everywhere because We The People were the stupidest people on the planet last November, have no freaking clue what they're going to do about it. And this walking bag of decaying flesh is making it worse:
A standoff over how to prevent a government shutdown intensified Monday as President Donald Trump called on Republicans to write a funding bill on their own and cut Democrats out of the process. Here’s a helpful pie chart. But any funding bill, including a stopgap to buy more time, requires 60 votes to pass the Senate, where Republicans control 53 seats and therefore need at least seven Democratic votes. [Sen. Chuck] Schumer argued that if there is a shutdown, Trump's statement and GOP actions would make them the responsible party. “If one side refuses to negotiate, they are the ones causing the shutdown," he said.
Republicans say everyone should calm down and relax, because they've got a wide variety of options from which to choose: flailing, wild flailing, hysterical flailing, angry flailing, flirty flailing, and a continuing resolution. The party of fiscal responsibility rolls on.
CHEERS to a date which will live in whatever the opposite of infamy is. It's here! It's finally here! The day for which we've all been waiting! That's right, folks—today Federal Reserve Chairman Thurston Howell III finally bellows the immortal words: "YOU get an interest rate cut and YOU get an interest rate cut and YOU get an interest rate cut and YOU get an interest rate cut and YOU get an interest rate cut!!!"
After nine months of holding its key interest rate steady, the Federal Reserve is widely expected to announce a rate cut after its two-day September meeting. [...] Powell will be joined today by Dancing Fed Pootie Tinkles. The Fed is tasked with maintaining maximum employment and low inflation. […] When the labor market is weak, cutting interest rates can make borrowing costs cheaper for businesses and consumers, which can juice the economy and promote hiring. When consumer prices are surging, the central bank can raise rates to cool economic activity and ease inflation. The dilemma the Fed has faced this year is that tariffs are expected to both curb growth and raise consumer prices, leaving the central bank torn between its dual mandate.
The big question is how big the rate cut will be. Leaning on my post-graduate studies in economics at Prestigious University, I'm leaning toward a gazillion bananas.
JEERS to the Federal Bureau of Ineptitude. Let's check in and see how FBI director Kash Patel is doing as his hearings before Congress roll on:
"We must hunt down and find the killers of… Okay, I know this is a little off the subject, but can I just tell you about the tortellini with sausage I had at Rao's the other night? I tell you it would melt in the mouth of even the most angry god in Valhalla. And when you go to the bathroom the attendant offers you a towel and a mint. How cool is that!?? I tell ya, I thought Spago and Balthazar offered up tasty vittles, bur Rao's was un… be… lievable. So, anyway. Evildoers, blah blah blah whatever. Can I go now?"
No wonder his eyes always look like they're trying to flee.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to one really bad sheriff. Here's a memento of our sorry past that I always like to isolate and hose down with disinfectant.
He really was a shitty president.
On September 17, 2001, President George W. Bush—who refuses to do the right thing and condemn Trump’s campaign of chaos and carnage—evoked the image of an old west "WANTED" poster, vowing to catch Osama bin Laden "Dead or Alive." Bush failed to nab "America's Most Wanted," either dead or alive. But Seal Team Six under the authority of President Barack Obama sure didn't, and now 72 virgins are taking turns smacking bin Laden—who turned out to be a garden-variety narcissistic porn-addicted slob—in the face with shoes for the rest of eternity. [Sigh] If you want a job done right, gotta hire the Democrat.
CHEERS to coming into the light. Did you hear about the Republican war on solar power? They say—with a straight face, mind you—that solar sucks because the sun goes down at night, which means we can't watch Leave It To Beaver on our two-ton Zenith cabinet TVs. But there's one town that's hoisting a giant middle-fingered solar array at the MAGA pudding brains, and they're guaranteed to win this skirmish. Mainly because they're in Bordeaux, France:
Its ammunition is 6,600photovoltaic panels, which are being transported from the ground somewhat spectacularly by helicopter, reducing emissions five-fold compared to using cranes, according to city authorities. The outcome: A 13,000 square meter solar power plant, set to produce 3.4 megawatts of energy, which when completed in March 2026 will be the largest urban rooftop solar site in France. […] The future rolls on without us. In 2020, Bordeaux produced just three percent of its own energy. By the end of 2026, the proportion is set to reach 41percent, largely thanks to solar but also through other renewables like wind and biomass. That incredible transformation is insignificant part thanks to the 60,000 square meters of solar panels that are being installed across the city on municipal buildings and in public spaces, from the roof of the iconic submarine base to schools, sports facilities, city hall, parking lots, cycle paths and even the city’s ring road.
I hear they also produce some fine rotgut.
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Ten years ago in C&J: September 17, 2015
CHEERS to Bernie in the lion's den. Jesus is all about love and socialism, so it made sense for Bernie Sanders—Spoiler Alert: he's Jewish—to spend some time preaching the gospel of taking-care-of-each-other-ism at Jerry Falwell's Liberty University. (Transcript is here.) There was no pandering on his part—he respected the intelligence of his conservative audience enough to know he could deliver some unpleasant truths without them blowing a gasket:
"[T]he truth is, that a nation which in many ways was created, and I’m sorry to have to say this, from way back on racist principles, that’s a fact," Sanders said during a Q&A following his speech. "We have come a long way as a nation." […] "I came here today because I believe from the bottom of my heart that it’s vitally important for people who hold different views to be able to engage in a civil discourse," Sanders said. He went on to address his steadfast beliefs in gay marriage, the right to an abortion, war as a last resort and paid family leave.
After his speech there was a brief Q&A session, and then the students padded off to their next classes: Tax Cuts for Christ 101 and Religiously Object Your Way to Prosperity.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to a guy who earned every watt of his star power. Bad news: we lost Robert Redford yesterday. Good news: he gave us 89 years jam-packed with amazing movies in which he starred and/or produced and/or directed. He encouraged and mentored generations of independent filmmakers, fought to protect the environment, and tactfully railed against the forces of fascism.
I can’t say that The Natural—with its insanely-packed roster of perfectly-cast supporting actors—is my favorite Redford film. #1 on my list is All the President’s Men. But my favorite scene? That would be the climax of Barry Levinson’s 1984 classic, with its Caleb Deschanel cinematography and Randy Newman’s pure-Americana score. Here’s one more trip around the bases for the old man.
“Go pick me out a winner, Bobby...”
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His legacy requires no more words than these: Robert Redford was the Robert Redford of Robert Redfords.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial Thanks to modern anesthesia, reading Cheers and Jeers is usually no more uncomfortable than having a cavity filled. —USA Today
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[END]
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