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The Day 1000 Crickets Took Over The Post Office [1]
['This Content Is Not Subject To Review Daily Kos Staff Prior To Publication.']
Date: 2025-09-03
How do you feed a hungry dragon when the nearest pet store is a hundred miles away and you have no way to get there. Poor beardie had been eating fruit and greens for a long time and needed some protein. (Bearded dragons are omnivores that need about an 80/20 ratio of veg/protein to thrive.)
Internet to the rescue! Get on a pet care website and order a box of feeder crickets. Leave detailed instructions for the postal carrier. Tell them to put the box of crickets on the porch by the front door, because I wouldn’t be home. Easy peasy, right?
Not so much.
Bearded dragons are omnivores. This is not the actual dragon involved.
I came home to a card on the door instead of a package on the porch when I got home in the wee hours. The carrier had taken the boxed bugs back to the post office when no one was home to accept delivery. Delivery instructions to leave the box on the porch had been ignored. I called the post office the next day, and suddenly things were a lot more interesting.
me: Hi, I’m calling about the box you didn’t deliver yesterday. Can I come and pick it up today?
Postmaster: NO!
me: Why? You left a card that said I could pick up my package at the post office.
Postmaster: There was a hole in the box.
me: …
me: …
Postmaster: The whole building is full of these things! WHAT ARE THEY?
me: They’re crickets. Are there any left in the box? Can I come and get what’s left?
“Can I come and get what’s left?” “NO! The box is empty, they are everywhere; there must be a thousand of them! I don’t know how we’ll ever get rid of them. THEY ARE EVERYWHERE!”
Why, yes, I had ordered and paid for a box of a thousand crickets, but I very much doubted that information would be helpful to the present discussion. I was about to ask why the carrier had not read my instructions and left the box outside the front door on the porch.
A broken cricket box on the front porch would have given the neighborhood birds a feast. If the postal carrier had read the instructions. (photo attribution and thanks to CaptBLI)
Suddenly, the postmaster’s voice escalated sharply in pitch and volume, “THEY ARE EVERYWHERE! These things are everywhere; I don’t know how we’ll ever get rid of them. THEY ARE EVERYWHERE.”
I realized the conversation was pretty much done at this point and quietly ended the call. My instructions to leave the box on the porch were no longer relevant.
A thousand crickets liberated in the town post office suddenly seemed funny. ROFL and LMAO funny. Tear-laughing emoji hilarious. I should feel bad for that. No, I shouldn’t. I gave them written instructions.
A broken cricket box on the front porch would have given the neighborhood birds a feast. Nothing more serious than that.
Sorry, ol’ buddy, I told the dragon. You’ll have to eat veggies for a few more days. I don’t think I’m going back to the post office here any time soon.
Next time, we’ll order cricket delivery by UPS.
[END]
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