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Another Modest Proposal [1]

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Date: 2025-07-19

(in honor of Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal)

It is, I think, fair to say that all true patriots are greatly saddened by the hordes of rootless vagabonds committing horror after horror on our own pristine lands. It is offensive of course to see honest, native-born Americans of good blood toiling heroically in our fields and construction sites for piteously low wages while these rapists and terrorists from shithole countries strut about on welfare. If we’re lucky, they merely lay in their taxpayer-funded mansions high on weed and fentanyl, content to leech off the pure blood of real Americans. More likely, given their barbarous natures, their tattooed hides are seen ravishing and murdering American womanhood, followed by smuggling fentanyl into schools and poisoning our children.

I, certainly, am not the only American who finds this situation intolerable. And while I applaud our glorious leader’s commitment to the law and desire to deport these desperadoes back to their own equatorial climes, I do believe we may miss an opportunity merely by removing them.

The opportunity here is the re-introduction of the time-tested practice of indentured servitude. Rather than merely sending them away, getting away scot-free, let these invaders compensate this great nation for the rapine and plunder they have perpetrated on our good citizens. All migrant invaders should be sentenced to twenty years of indentured servitude and the US government can sell them off as workers and servants to the public, letting them repay their debt to American society.

This would have a number of useful benefits to all. Firstly, their labor would not be lost; while admittedly few in number, some of them do work and their removal from our country would do economic harm to our selfless entrepreneurs and business owners. Should the restoration of order to our streets and the removal of vermin be injurious to our own commerce and people?

Secondly, selling these indentures at auction would fill the government’s coffers and help us pay down the national debt. Indeed, we need not limit our sales to the United States itself. Numerous other countries, particularly in the Arab lands, import labor and Russian arms factories, it is said, are short of labor while Russian men, our beloved allies, manfully fight against the Nazis of Ukraine on behalf of all mankind, for truth, justice, and the Putinist way. But labor importers are often forced to pay extortionate wages, wages so high that the workers can send money back to their home countries(!), creating an outflow of capital from the hiring country. This is manifestly unjust to commerce and common sense, and thus buying up indentures provides laborers who are not only cheaper, but who will not export capital to their blighted homelands, since of course they will receive no wages at all.

Third, after twenty years of honest labor, these once-desperadoes may have become decent, God-fearing folk to at least what limited degree their natures allow. Thus they will return in a more enlightened state to their home countries. Those fortunate enough to have their indentures purchased by Americans will no doubt have been influenced by the splendor of our society and the wisdom of our ways. No doubt upon returning home they may encourage or even force their countrymen to serve indentures in the United States so as to receive the same beneficial education, for which our ex-servants will receive handsome sums, albeit less than what the indentures will fetch at auction. Thus not only will we be improving the quality of their benighted societies through educating their people in American ways, I suspect we may well ensure a constant fresh supply of new indentures from those rounded up in their home countries.

I think I have established the wisdom of this proposal, but I am not so vain to believe my ideas are beyond criticism—that applies alone to our hallowed leader. So let me try to address certain objections that some may harbor.

Some may counter that rather than allowing the invaders to remain, even as servants, we can do without their labor by using American children in their stead. Such efforts to send more American children to honest work in mines and meatpacking plants are underway in Florida, always a leader in making America great again.

Let no man say I am opposed to such a policy, but I do believe that as our economy expands mightily under the effects of tariffs and DOGE-directed efficiency and the private sector is freed from the cold, heavy hand of the state, I believe that America will need ever more workers and our own children will not suffice in numbers. That said, I concur that we should pursue this path in addition to indentured servitude. Children will learn more real American values at work than being indoctrinated in woke schools, and making children a source of profit for their parents rather than a financial burden should increase our birth rate, a goal dear to the heart of all true patriots. So I am all for expanding the scope of child labor, a practice that was widespread in the 1880s, an economic golden age, but the time-honored tradition of child labor alone will not solve our worker shortage.

Others may object that keeping people, or migrants to be more accurate, in involuntary servitude would be inhumane or a violation of rights. This criticism smacks of wokeism and I hesitate to even bother addressing it, but I will refute it now lest any woke enemies of the people try to raise it in the future. Firstly, penal servitude is well-established in American law and tradition.

Second, real American patriots are a benevolent and pure-hearted people, as seen in our leader, who needs no checks on his power because of his inherent goodness, a goodness shared to a large degree by all his supporters. They would not, nor could they conceive of, inflicting harm on their indentured servants.

Third, if they did inflict any harm, those servants would deserve it for having traveled to this country illegally as terrorist invaders, so it would be their just deserts in any case.

Fourth, the indenture owners will have good reason to protect the investment they have made in their servants and treat them kindly; their living standards will be comfortable, indeed luxurious by the standards of their home countries, I do not doubt.

Fifth, if these reasons were not enough, if an indentured servant dies while under contract, the contract owner shall pay a sum no less than $100 dollars to the US Treasury, a penalty few would be willing to pay. Yet even if a few deaths occur, they will help to reduce our deficit, so let it never be said that any cloud has no silver lining.

I will not belabor this proposal. I think I have demonstrated its wisdom sufficiently that all men of good faith will understand its merits. Indeed, I suspect it may work out so well we may wish to consider a similar policy toward our own poorer citizens, and for many of the same reasons; perhaps a new version of serfdom? Still, let us not get ahead of ourselves, and be content to embark on this new grand adventure.

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