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Centering Positive Culture [1]

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Date: 2025-06-21

Justice work is hard work. And at times frustrating work. Again and again I have seen the same dynamic play out where people working hard for justice center voices of those who have been marginalized, only to have the conversation ripped back to the centering of the het white male. The conversation is meant to be about lifting up all voices, but due to the reality that far too much power rests in the hands of white men, to effect change we find ourselves at times looking to sway them to our side.

If we had all the time in the world and the room and resources to be without the purveyors of toxic masculinity, we could safely ignore them and let them come around on their own and let them do their personal work towards becoming a better person before joining us. And yet in the political reality of today, when strategists look at who the Democratic Party is and isn’t, it’s all too easy to make the choice that “going after” white men is the “smart play” because there are a lot of them and there are plenty to recruit to our side. “Going after” the votes of Black Women who voted for Trump doesn’t sound like there are a lot of votes there. Now we could argue about where the “high percentage” play is, or the most return on our time investment, but I believe it’s all missing the point.

Our focus can’t be on “look at this demographic and shape ourselves into something they want.” But we also can’t write off a huge portion of our world. Instead, we need to pitch to EVERYONE the benefits of joining a compassionate justice centered community that supports each other in being the best people we can be. It means building a community which prioritizes wholeness, safety, equitable resources, and plenty of opportunity to have fun in all the great ways we can have fun which don’t hurt others.

I’ve seen many comments along the lines that it’s pointless to try to reach these people. (I’m sure I’ve said something similar at some point in my own frustration). And while I will maintain no person is theoretically beyond reach, some are practically beyond our reach as prioritize our resources. However, I will also contend that a good chunk don’t actually want to be with all the Toxic assholes. You see, for many it's not fun to be around toxic culture. They would leave for a better place if they knew how to get there. And you might be screaming into the screen at me saying “But we are jumping up and down over here asking them to join and they refuse to do so. If they want a better place, why don’t they join us?” The simple answer is that it is hard to change, and they don’t believe us.

I grew up in a town so average that Japanese educators visited my high school not to see a “good” American school, but an “average” American school. And my High School was the hellscape of social toxicity that 1980s movies captured so well. Toxic masculinity was rampant. Oppressive hierarchy ruled to social scene. I managed to escape attention by being SO different that I was beyond most people’s ability to put me into a social group so I was studiously ignored (for the most part). College for me was that blast of fresh air of a more sane world which had priorities closer in line to my own (though obviously not perfect). So I know a little about toxic culture and oppressive hierarchy (as many of you do as well).

Toxic culture is no fun for most people in the system, and sometimes not even for those who seem to benefit the most. Toxic culture works by imposing a dominance hierarchy on the local culture to the primary benefit of those at the top. Those near the top go along with it because they get some of the benefit and clearly see the pain inflicted on those near the bottom. Even those most of the way down but not at the bottom may participate because even though they are miserable, at least they aren’t the very bottom whose lives are made pure hell.

Toxic culture isn’t just passive. There is active recruitment to meanness as some with more power delight in making folks lower on the ladder attack the those on the lowest rungs. I was actively recruited by others to be mean to someone else. Much of the time I resisted, but I’d be lying if I said I never gave in to the pressure. I’ve called someone a “fag” before. I’ve used racial slurs. I felt awful at the time, and this is the first time I’ve ever admitted doing so publicly. I was trying to find my place. Some of my close friends who were generally nice to me used those words more regularly than I did. And the odd part was they weren’t rabidly racist. They used those words because that was the culture. These friends were nice (in a relative way) to the few minorities in my school. They didn’t seek to be mean to people, they said these words because that is what they were taught. I want to call it “casual racism” but no racism can be truly casual. But these friends never gave it much thought.

The biggest danger to toxic culture is that a sufficiently powerful subgroup decides they want out and not participate in the system anymore. So the participants often put great pressure on others to continue in the system. They will mock and deride anyone suggesting that things could be better as idealists and naive. They deny that a better world is possible and attempt to make anyone saying otherwise to look foolish.

There are more people out there than we sometimes realize who are looking for a way out. They know their world is crap but they have no answers on how to make it better. They’ve been told so many times that there are no answers so sometimes they stop looking. Other times, they try to recreate something that looks more justice oriented similar to an already existing group but then they fill in the details with personal ideas that will benefit just them. I see Elon Musk doing this at times in extremely misguided ways.

We are in a culture war. Opposing us is the oppressive patriarchy led by white male billionaires who will spend considerable amounts of money building a culture that mocks social justice and equitable resources as pie in the sky delusion. The pain is the point because it stands as a message to everyone in the hierarchy that this is what happens to those who think there is a better way. When those who might be wanting to escape attempt to come to our side but are met with hostility, we teach those potential converts that we are no better than their side. In fact we end up looking worse because we are hypocrites instead of just mean. At least Trump doesn’t hide his meanness. Trump is simply the epitome of the patriarchy. His competence does not matter and never will. His raw power is the only thing that matters and his ability to get away with decades of social justice progress highlights that power all the more. For some on that side it's attractive. But for many it’s simply the reality of this world.

Thankfully, we do have truth, compassion, and kindness on our side. Or we can if we choose to. Fighting their power with an equal measure of our own version of ruthless power will simply result in one system replacing the other. Sure, it might be a marginally better system but it is still a power hierarchy. Or, we can show people how the world can be a better place for EVERYONE, including them!

And that last bit is both critical and infuriating. People will work for a better world if they can see themselves in it. And I’m sorry to say this, but when a persons first encounter with social justice work is being told to sit down and shut up, it can be hard for them to see themselves in that world. And this is the part where it feels like it’s back to centering white men again. But we need to be very careful here. If we are lazy, then yes, we just end up centering white men. But if we can find the right language, we don’t end up centering them, but we center just how great the world can be for everyone.

It’s not about catering to others. It’s about inspiring others to build a better world WITH us. Fairly, equally. Yes with an appropriate amount of corrective justice such as DEI initiatives. But the vision includes the young white dude in WITH others. We need to make it aspirational. We need to make it clear it's something worth striving for. We need to set cultural expectations that there can be no better activity than working together for a better world for all. We invite them to our world and show them there is a place at the table for them too. It’s a round table, and there is no head of the table for them to sit at, but they are invited.

Not all will take this offer. But the better we get at messaging the more recruits we will have. And many of them will stick their foot in it and at times be problematic. Which is why we model and enforce healthy ways of learning, leading, and being in community with one another. We don’t boot them out over a first offense just as you don’t kick a misbehaving child out. But you also don’t give a child the keys to the car.

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