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News Bites [1]
['This Content Is Not Subject To Review Daily Kos Staff Prior To Publication.']
Date: 2025-06-12
Bite-sized news stories that you may have missed, presented here for your reading enjoyment (you lucky little bipeds!)
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Tired of being pushed around and put at a constant disadvantage by the ever domineering vegan industry, meat and dairy companies have used their ties to the US government to crack down on vegan products using words such as ‘milk’ and ‘butter’ as descriptions. “The fact is, we invented the word milk. It belongs to us.” said spokesman for animal agriculture, Antoine de Connard, “So does butter and nuggets. Oh, and also protein, so no one should be allowed to list protein in anything not containing animal products. In fact, I kinda remember my grandfather telling me that we invented the word food too, so only we should get to use it.” As of now, peanut butter can only be labeled peanut paste and coconut milk has to now be called coconut juice. “We value honesty above all else,” Connard told reporters as he opened a package of pork rinds with a smiling cartoon pig on the package, “we want there to be as much transparency as possible so that customers can make informed decisions.” When reporters asked if this meant that steak would now be referred to as slaughtered cow flesh or if hotdogs would now be called severed pig genitals, Connard told them in no uncertain terms, to fuck off.
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September 26th is National Pancake Day and Harry Potter author JK Rowling has already formulated a Tweet (or whatever we’re supposed to call them now) that she is sure will cause quite a stir. It reads as follows: “Happy Fake Oppression Day to every pancake who wants complete strangers to know that they couldn’t cut it as waffles.” Rowling says that this will be published in her upcoming book of Tweets titled, ‘For the Love of Christ, Pay Attention to Me!’.
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Harry Connick Sr died in New Orleans on January 25, 2024. I know this isn’t that recent; I just like to remind myself that he’s dead.
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The meat and dairy industry’s campaign to not allow vegan products to use words such as 'milk' to describe their products was called into question by historians who pointed out that the original usage of the word milk was to describe any opaque white liquid and that almond milk was found in recipes dating back to medieval times. Spokesman for animal agriculture, Antoine de Connard said the following in response, “This is obviously the work of vegan time travelers going back to the past to spread their propaganda.” Connard further stated that, “It’s a common vegan tactic to spread misinformation through observable reality,” and that, “We value honesty above all else; we want there to be as much transparency as possible so that customers can make informed decisions. Products with labels like ‘soy milk’ and ‘almond butter’ will only confuse them; let’s face it, people are stupid. Do you think I’d still be in business if they weren’t?” Finally, he stated that time travel technology belongs to the meat and dairy industry and that vegans should be barred from using it.
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Harry Connick Sr. is dead.
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YouTube comedian PJ Sears’ fan base has been on a steady decline in recent years. Former fans of the online star say that this is due to him having lost the insightful, original and witty satire that drew them in in the first place, proving conclusively that, until around 2019, no JP Sears fan has ever watched a JP Sears video.
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Paleontologists have recently discovered a species of prehistoric shark known to insult its prey before devouring it which they have dubbed the Megalodon-Rickles.
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Harry Connick Sr has died.
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Prosecuting attorney Clarence Acorn campaigned before congress to bring the death penalty back to every state. “There are those that profit off the deaths of their fellow man,” he stated, “those to whom human life is little more than a stepping stone, a means to an end. They can cut a life short, devastate that person’s friends and family, leaving interminable sadness in their wake and not think twice about it so long as their goals have been met. For these people there should be no second chance, only the swift and harsh punishment of death.” Congress found the speech so compelling that they unanimously voted in favor of the proposal. Mr. Acorn’s execution is scheduled for next Friday.
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Lately, I’ve had trouble with Spotify. It works for the first thirty seconds after I start my car, then the sound goes off. It comes back here and there for about four or five seconds then goes out again. Meanwhile, the tracks are still playing and eating up my phone data, I just can’t hear them. This isn’t news so much as a reminder of what we had to give up having CD players in our cars for.
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Harry Connick Sr is dead. Dead and gone. Harry Connick Sr is in the ground because he died. Died real dead. Dead, dead, dead, dead. Ah, it feels just like a cool breeze on a summer day.
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The Animal Liberation Front (or ALF if those words are too big for you) shocked onlookers during a public reunion between Okja, a genetically modified “super pig”, and Mija, a little girl from a remote village in Thailand who helped raise him, when they projected an undercover video showing the abuse of Okja at the hands of the Mirando Corporation. The audience immediately took action, cornering and viciously beating any member of ALF that they could get their hands on.
“I think it’s appalling,” one witness said, “it was such a heart warming moment, then these animal rights freaks came along and ruined it. What made them think that anyone would want to see that?”
“It was the most disturbing thing I ever saw,” said another, “it bothered me so much that I now have to support this abusive corporation even more to spite ALF for showing it to me. I really don’t want to, but what choice do I have?”
Another stated, “I’m still going to eat Mirando meat products, but no longer going to enjoy it, so I guess those sadists at the ALF accomplished their goal.”
One of the more confused witnesses said, “How can Alf say he’s in favor of animal rights if he eats cats?”
Finally, Antoine de Connard had this to say, “We value honesty above all else; we want there to be as much transparency as possible so that customers can make informed decisions.”
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AI art has been the subject of controversy in recent years and it looks like it may soon be infiltrating the world of pornography. Professional nerd, Kelp Krelborn used to “write” AI scripts as a hobby, but has recently stumbled into a lucrative career as porno writer.
“I was just uploading various movies into the database”, he explained quite nerdishly, “just to see what it would happen, and the other day I got the idea to upload some sexploitation flicks from, like, the late-sixties and early-seventies and I was amazed at what it came with. It was a blank screen. Literally nothing. I don't think a more perfect sex movie has ever been written! As soon as I saw it, I was like, 'I think I could actually sell this!'”
“It does capture the spirit and the essence of the porno subgenre better than any script I've glanced at before”, said producer Boojie Jenkins, “I had it put into production immediately after not reading it!”
But not everyone thinks of this as progress; sexploitation veteran Walt Davis has expressed some concerns, “Back in the golden age, we never cut corners; when I wrote 'The Teaser' all the way back in 1974, I had to actively wipe my ass with a piece of all purpose paper before I could sell it as a script. And in 1973 when I directed 'Helen Bedd,' I actually had to place a camera in front of the people fornicating and then take a nap until one of them woke me up to inform me that we ran out of film. Sometimes this would take almost an entire hour out of our day, but it was only after going through that entire arduous process that we had something that we could sell as a movie. These days, they’d just use CGI. There's no artistry or passion left anymore.”
Mr. Davis' fears may be realized; in half the time it took you to read this article, a completed film of Mr. Krelborn's script had been released and has garnered much praise from fans, and in the time it took for me to tell you that, Krelborn produced 27 more scripts exactly like it. The completed feature films are scheduled to be released sometime tomorrow.
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Joe Rogan, host of the popular podcast, ‘The Joe Rogan Experience’, died last Tuesday from an overdose of horse tranquilizer that a recent guest had assured him would allow him to see into the future. “It worked for Champion" the guest said, “How do you think he was always able to rescue Genre Autry so quickly?”
Critics of the late comedian and podcaster say that it’s really the best thing that ever could have happened to his comedy career. “At least now he smells funny”, one was quoted as saying, “and that’s a step in the right direction.”
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Spokesman for animal agriculture, Antone de Connard’s job is never done. On his ongoing quest to protect the industry he adores, he must now fight the scourge of vegan products imitating meat ones.
“They’ve even made plants look like chicken nuggets!” He exclaimed, “How dishonest can they get? Why can’t they just eat plants that look like plants and let us have our chicken organs that naturally look like breaded fried nuggets? And don’t get me started on so-called veggie “burgers”; who are they trying to fool by making products that resemble flat circles? We invented flat circles! From this point on we'll be suing any food product in the shape of a flat circle, so pancakes had better watch their ass!”
Mr. Connard further stated that he was already filing a lawsuit against farmers for growing meat-like vegetables. “Have you noticed how onions and carrots vaguely resemble male sex organs? That’s meat! Produce is copying meat!”
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Sixty-year-old Bojon Baker Jr., once a staunch conservative, surprised his friends and relatives by switching parties. “It’s not so bad being a Democrat,” he explained, “I still hold on to every view I had before. Only now when someone tries to back into a corner with critical thinking, I can immediately silence him by calling him a Republican. Back when I was a Republican, I never had that advantage.” Barker went on to say that he now embraces the term woke despite still not knowing what it means.
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Porn actress Jean Harlot, known for her work in such films as ‘Jizzabel’, where she co-starred with Henry Fondleya, ‘The Adventures of Throbbin Hood’ with Ero Flynn and the ever popular ‘I Am a Fugitive from a Gang Bang’, stated in a recent interview that she was the world’s biggest comedy fan, so much so that she had even named her vibrator after ‘Laugh-In’ cast member, Ruth Buzzy.
“Ruth is the best one I ever had,” Jean stated, “hits the sweet bippy every time.” She went on to produce the vibrator from her purse and show the interviewer how good Ruth was at “socking it to her”.
Upon hearing about the interview, Ms. Buzzy’s fellow ‘Laugh-In’ cast member, Jo Anne Worley had this to say, “Oh great, more Laugh-In themed vibrator jokes!” She then proceeded to sing the word dumb in an operatic manner.
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The anxiety caused by the Trump administration has been at an all time high in recent months. It’s even gotten to the point where many Republicans are afraid for the future. “The Trump administration’s denial of facts has unsettled a great many Americans,” said a journalist with a funny name, “the only exceptions seem to be those with aspergers; whenever I ask them how they feel about living under an administration that denies the observable realities in front of our faces and changes the definitions of words as it suits them, they burst into hysterical laughter. I don’t know why, but they seem to find the whole thing really funny.”
“It stems from a lack of empathy,” said FAAAS spokeswoman Pitieme WhaBürger, “I’ve watched enough YouTube over the years to know that if you’re not me, you must be a narcissist.”
FAAAS stands for ‘Families of Adults Afflicted with Asperger's Syndrome’; it is a support group for neurotypicals who want to complain about how hard it is to carry the tremendous weight of social power and influence with them everywhere they go. “It’s really hard on the back”, Ms. WhaBurger was once quoted as saying.
Not taking the apparent amusement of the aspie community lying down, Ms. WhaBürger organized a public speech to try to reason with them. It went as follows: “As an American, the current administration affects me deeply and since those of you with aspergers are almost like Americans yourselves, maybe you could at least try to understand our plight. People are afraid. Of course, I know that none of you can possibly know what it’s like to live under the authority of psychopaths with the minds of children, but -- ” No one heard the rest of the speech, for it was at this point that the laughter from the aspie community became so loud that it drowned out every other sound on earth.
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Sickened by the violent language used by vegan extremists to describe the practices of animal agriculture, the meat industry is taking action. This downtrodden industry is once again using their ties to congress to change the language associated with their practice.
“Vegans like to describe what we do in a way that is both violent and distasteful," said one cow rancher, “They're doing it to turn people against us. Frankly, I don’t like to think that I’m, as they so tactlessly put it, “slitting a cow's throat”, I’ve always preferred to think of it as gifting her a red scarf.”
Some progress has already been made; for example, the small cages designed to restrict the movement of calves for veal production, will now be called ‘Daycares’, forced insemination will be called ‘Less Than Ideal Honeymoons’ and taking animals to the slaughterhouse will now be referred to as, “Driving down to Tickle Town”. Spokesman for animal agriculture Antone de Connard issued the following statement, “We value honesty above all else; we want there to be as much transparency as possible so that customers can make informed decisions.”
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Wildlife conservationists have warned those hiking and camping in the woods to speak quietly and not to make any loud noises. “The American forests are home to the redd foxx”, one conservationist stated, “a species that is prone to heart attacks. It’s always sad to hear their voices crying out in the wilderness, ‘It’s the big one! I’m comin’ to join ya, Elizabeth!’”
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Howard Stern has gone woke in recent years, but insists that it has not affected the quality of his work. “Ok, so my show may not be as offensive as it used to be”, Stern stated in a recent interview, “but it’s still just as annoying and unfunny as it’s ever been. I think I’ve been more than consistent in that regard.”
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Elon Musk set the record straight yesterday about the so-called “Hitler salute” he made while speaking at a rally celebrating U.S. president Donald Trump's second inauguration. “Well, it’s like this, ya see,” Musk said, “What I said was ‘My heart goes out to you’, right? But I, uh, screwed it up, ya see; I was supposed to have my palm facing the crowd because that’s where my heart was, ya know; but I didn’t notice that I had my hand turned the wrong way and, uh, my heart ended up on the floor. Yeah, that’s right. So, uh, I picked it up, brushed some of the dirt and hair off and tried it again, but I guess the liberal media edited out that part. Yeah, that’s it! That’s the ticket!” Musk went on to say, “Of course I screwed it up again, which is why the video shows me doing it twice, but, uh, I guess the third time’s a charm, huh?” Musk later went one to express his fondness for the Charlie Chaplan classic ‘The Great Dictator’. “The staff members I hired to watch movies for me just told me it’s one of my favorites.” Musk said.
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That’s all for now, but if you still want to revel in the glory of my genius, you can do so buying this book: www.lulu.com/… Or this one: www.lulu.com/… I also made a movie: www.imdb.com/… but I don’t know if you can currently watch it; I’m just bragging.
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