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HERoin [1]

['This Content Is Not Subject To Review Daily Kos Staff Prior To Publication.']

Date: 2025-05-13

Addiction is such a vague term. We often associate addiction with substances—alcohol, drugs, vaping—but what about people? I've been battling addiction for many years now, even at my young age, and while some of these battles have been against typical adversaries, others have not. My greatest addiction over the past two years has been a person. My first love—unsurprisingly—is my metaphorical heroine, a person whose laughter, touch, and very presence became an intoxicating necessity I still deeply crave. Our relationship spanned nearly two years and was—as many are—wonderful in the good times and damaging in the bad. Even through this tumultuous period of my life, which ended abruptly and unpleasantly, I still find myself drawn to her.

It's been almost a year since we officially called it quits, and that passage of time only makes my addiction more confusing. I accept that we will never be anything again—and yet, the craving persists. It's not merely a physical attraction, I must clarify; it's a longing solely for her, the person I first fell for. Sometimes I feel insane for these lingering feelings. It's been a year, and she did terrible things to me and my reputation; a normal person would simply move on. So why can't I?

I've been with other people since her, but it's never quite the same. I search for solutions, but unlike smoking or drinking, I can't find any five-step plan or cold-turkey strategy. Thoughts of her find me no matter how hard I try to convince myself to move on. I know that if she reached out, I'd answer immediately. Even after the manipulation, degradation, the repeated returns and departures, secret encounters, and public denials, I still crave her. I can't help but want her.

At times, it feels like my only hope to escape these thoughts is to reach into my mind and tear them out. This addiction takes its toll on me in every conceivable way. When I see her, I force myself to avert my gaze, desperately trying to think of something else. Yet when she catches my eye I can hardly help but stare. In her eyes i'm hoping to find something in her —something that validates how I feel. I'm fully aware of how delusional this sounds, and yet I have no way to change it. I'd give anything to forget her, to move on, and live my life free from her nagging presence.

I sometimes wonder if my addiction is truly to her or merely to the emotional connection we once shared—the vulnerability and comfort that I've been unable to replicate elsewhere. Perhaps part of my struggle is driven by a subconscious fear of never finding that depth of connection again. Even if that's true, it offers no immediate solution.

Writing this down, I'm not entirely sure what I hoped to achieve. Maybe I simply needed to express these feelings, accepting the reality of my situation as the first step toward overcoming it.

The most difficult part of these emotions is accepting that I don't know how to change. Scientists recognize that people become addicted to other people, and often mistake that addiction for love. This provokes a troubling question for me, was our relationship truly love, or was it just an intense chemical reaction in my brain? All those endless nights spent on the phone, the letters planning out our future together, the quiet walks through the forest, and the rush when our eyes met—was that authentic love, or simply dopamine-driven feelings masquerading as love? The thought that the most meaningful part of my life might have been nothing more than a faulty chemical response suffocates me.

It leaves me wondering; will I ever find my own image of love, or am I destined to forever chase the high of what once felt so real?

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