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BL: "Love Is Love" is a polite white lie [1]
['This Content Is Not Subject To Review Daily Kos Staff Prior To Publication.']
Date: 2025-05-13
Ah, “Love Is Love” is such a nice sentiment, isn’t it? Just the fact that we see it displayed publicly at times — in a pride march, on a poster at your local library, or in a retail ad during the month of June — is pretty cool, a mark of how times have changed in recent decades.
Too bad almost nobody truly believes it ... gay people least of all. We know better.
It’s a social nicety, a well-intended courtesy, a slogan to assert that a person or company supports LGBQT equal rights. And that’s a very good thing! Sincerely, we thank you for that support, it’s important.
But it’s still a white lie.
There is an invisible asterisk at the end of that slogan. When you read the fine print, it says “… * but some loves are better than others.” Guess which?
i know, I know … you’re a fierce supporter of LGBQT equality so this couldn’t possibly apply to you. Or could it?
In media — cinema, television, print ads, and more — gay couples make most of you uncomfortable. The more intimate the scene, the more discomfort there is. Two guys holding hands is okay but two guys kissing causes many of you to get the vapors.
Gay marriage is legal and supported by a majority of the population … but an even greater majority would prefer never to see gay romance. “Don’t ask, don’t tell” has been updated for modern times to “Don’t show it, don’t make us squirm.”
This isn’t political. It’s personal. It’s about what you feel rather than about what you believe is right. Those are two different things.
Let’s explore that idea below the break. See you below in a moment!
Our mission statement This regime wants to erase LGBQT people from public life and eliminate access to information, resources, and cultural heritage for our youth. Most LGBQT adolescents never see stories about people like themselves enjoying love and romance. In our current reality, watching a Boys’ Love series or movie might be the only means for young people to see models of how their own relationships could start, develop, and successfully grow. It’s also an act of subversion … so watch an episode, share it with others, and resist!
Let’s do a few thought experiments and challenges. They’ll be fun … and quite possibly they will surprise you. Are you game?
Thought experiment #1
Fifty Shades of Gray might make anyone blush
You and a group of friends have decided to go to the cinema. Your group is relatively diverse, a mix of races, males and females, a gay guy, etc.
You have quite a few choices of films to watch: a horror-slasher movie, a rom-com, a murder mystery, and more. The group’s consensus settles on the rom-com, which stars a popular leading man and an equally popular leading lady.
As one of your friends goes to buy the tickets, do you think to yourself:
I wonder if Tim, our gay friend, might feel uncomfortable watching a straight couple in scenes with kissing and perhaps even more explicit action?
If so, give yourself a point. Heck, give yourself two points because you are the first straight person I have ever met who has considered such a possibility.
Of course, why should you consider Tim’s hypothetical discomfort? After all, queer people make straight romance movies possible through our contributions in the film industry: acting, writing, directing, lighting, costuming, and a dozen other crafts.
Plus, we’ve spent our whole lives watching your romances in movies, TV, print advertising, literature, and more. If we conservatively see just ten representations of straight couples per day, by the time we turn 18 we’ve done so more than fifty thousand times (guess how many times we’ve seen positive representations of gay romance during that time?). Clearly we’re used to it and won’t feel squeamish.
Fun fact: With video clips from movies or TV shows that show kissing, Youtube will often restrict gay clips to “mature viewers,” even when they are far less passionate than very steamy straight clips.
Let’s continue.
Thought experiment #2
So maybe the previous experiment was kind of dumb, considering our exposure to straight romance thousands upon thousands of times.
But did you think:
I wonder if Tim, our gay friend, finds films like this relatable? It might not make him squeamish but can he relate to this couple and share their emotions of love and romance?
Again, give yourself a point if your answer was yes. I’ve not encountered any straight people who have ever speculated that their gay friends might find it hard to relate to a male-female romance onscreen. Straight people don’t think about it because it is a given — because it’s normal — so obviously everyone appreciates and relates to heterosexual love, right?
Moving on …
Thought experiment #3
One of the movie choices is another rom-com but it’s about a gay couple. Do you think that Tim, your gay friend, did not suggest that your group watch the gay rom-com because:
He thought that your group might find two guys kissing somewhat uncomfortable, or He thought that your group might not be able to emotionally connect to the characters’ romantic feelings? Both of the above
Ha! It’s a trick question. Tim thought neither of those things. Give yourself two points if you knew that.
He did think that tomorrow he’ll message his gay friends, Peter and Pablo, to see if they want to watch it sometime soon. But your group? Nope.
Top: Han Solo & Princess Leia (Star Wars) — romantic and sweet and normal
Bottom: Mek & Boss (My Engineer) — kind of squicky and weird
Tim never considered — not for a nano-second — suggesting that your group watch the gay rom-com. It’s not that he thought about the idea and rejected it. It simply never crossed his mind.
You see, we’ve internalized “Not All Loves Are Equal” enough that we automatically, unconsciously adjust our behavior to protect your sensibilities. It’s embedded in us at the molecular level by now.
It’s not that we don’t want you to see gay rom-coms; we just know that you aren’t interested in them. For some of you, it’s kind of squicky to see a couple of dudes kissing. For others, you can deal with that but you really just can’t get into the whole scenario; you’re not going to feel the emotions like you would in a “normal” romance so you won’t enjoy the movie much.
It’s like going to the cinema with your grandma. You know she doesn’t like vulgar language or racy scenes, so you automatically choose Disney films when you’re with her. We do the same thing with you.
Thought challenge #1
Maybe you got a perfect score on these three experiments. Congrats!
Now, name a movie that you’ve watched where the two lead co-stars were a male couple and:
Their relationship is presented in a positive, affirming light, and
They clearly have romantic feelings for each other and work to preserve their romance when tensions and issues arise, and
The characters are realistic and believable, guys who most of us could imagine being or knowing in our own lives
Hmm. What did you come up with? Brokeback Mountain? The Bird Cage? Call Me By Your Name? Royal Red, White & Blue? Let’s see:
The first is a tragedy that ends with one of the guys beaten to death and the other a social outcast, broken and self-loathing
The second is a farce with camp characters that serve as comedic fodder, and the only romance is between the young straight guy and gal
The third one ends with heartbreak, betrayal, and abandonment as one of the guys informs his male ex-fling that he’s going to marry a woman
One is a prince, the other is the president’s son — media darlings who split their time between royal palaces and the White House — and their story is more about political intrigue, dynastic relationships, and media spin control than romance. The characters are over-the-top and nobody could actually imagine themselves living this story
While East Asian nations are producing dozens and dozens of romance-positive, emotionally-engaging Boys’ Love series and movies each year, we’re lucky if Hollywood gives us even a single one in a decade.
Why does it matter?
Gay teens are mobile BS detectors. If you’re straight, you seriously have no idea how good their detection skills are. Think about it and it will make sense.
A gay kid’s survival often depends on knowing who poses a threat — physical, emotional (e.g., bullying), financial (e.g., loss of employment or income), or logistical (e.g., getting kicked out onto the streets). We all have known, as young people, that our lives are constantly precarious, balancing on a greased tightrope, and that for many there simply is not a single safe space anywhere (schools, churches, and families have so often been where gay teens suffer the most abuse).
Will he see anyone like himself or will its absence confirm that his feelings are too gross for even his family to bear?
If you never once have any type of chocolate in your house — cookies, cake, milk, bars, ice cream, etc — it’s pretty obvious that you don’t care for it, right? The same principle holds true for intangibles. Your kids, grandkids, nieces and nephews, etc are going to notice the absence of gay romance-positive material and will reach the correct conclusion: romance between guys isn’t something you enjoy or connect with.
That’s fine for you but sort of a sad message to the young people. At a time when support and resources for gay youth are being eliminated in public spaces, they’ll find that private, personal support is perfunctory and uncomfortably granted.
Their straight peers are experimenting with romance and embracing their feelings through awkward first dates, fumbled crushes, learning appropriate behaviors in relationships, how to handle a breakup, or how to admit to their crush that they are in love. They get opportunities and practice at young love, readying themselves for long-term relationships as they mature.
Gay kids, however, are silently watching what they know is forbidden to them. They know that some gay people have romantic relationships but they’ve never seen any evidence of it. How does it work? How is it different from straight romance? Are their own crushes, urges, and emotions normal?
They’ll have to resort to searching through TikTok and porn sites to get any kind of self-validation. How equal is that? One side gets celebrated in public life every day, everywhere — TV, film, ads, etc — and the other gets nothing except an occasional “You’re okay, really, but just don’t ask us to go beyond our very narrow comfort zone — don’t ask, don’t tell, okay?”
But you have an open and forthright relationship!
All I need is a transcript of two or three brief conversations between a gay kid and a straight adult in order to know what’s going on. Do you know many times I have seen “honest” relationships between gay young people and others that are instead carefully staged for personal safety and privacy?
Grandma: So have you found a nice girl yet? Grandson: I’ve been so busy prepping for the SAT. Tell me again about how you and grandpa met and fell in love. It’s such a wonderful story.
Or,
Dad: Susan from down the street sure is looking pretty these days, isn’t she? Son: I haven’t seen her in a while. I really need to send my college applications next week. Help me sort through these and figure out which one will be best for me, ok?
Is there genuine trust and personal respect here?
Yeah: deflect, evade, divert, deny, and other tricks are the survival tactics we use. It might seem like we’re being open and engaging but, listening carefully, we’re really desperately fighting to avoid subjects that may be dangerous for us: romance, sex, love, dating, and so on.
To you, it may sound like we’re engaging with you … but actually we’re hiding in plain sight by always pushing the focus away from us.
The sad thing is that that habit easily becomes ingrained for life. We often end up with family and friend relationships that maintain a lot of emotional distance and silent circumspection; “a mile wide and an inch deep,” as the saying goes.
Reinforcing MAGA’s diktats
The Trump administration doesn’t need to ask for the public’s help in ensuring that gay teens will never see positive depictions of romance between people like them. They can just count on regular folks staying uninterested in Boys’ Love dramas and comedies, relegating them to the trashbin as unrelatable.
Trust me, the gay young people in your life sussed that out ages ago. They know to keep their thoughts, feelings, questions, joys, and sorrows to themselves … it’s safer.
They are acutely aware that one love is worth “normal” films that everyone enjoys; the other love — that is, their love — is kind of icky and/or uninteresting except to social rejects like themselves.
What they really want is to Make America Heterosexual Again — can they count on your help?
Their personal experiences with family and friends confirm to them that they are outsiders whose emotions and passions need to be kept invisible and repressed. The Trump regime merely enforces a public ban that gay kids already experience as a private ban within their homes and social groups.
Oddly, Americans are the international outliers here. Once, we were the honored home of the movement for LGBQT equality; now, Asia has leapfrogged past us. In most East Asian countries, Boys’ Love series and movies are extremely popular, broadcast on television as well as streamed online. They are “water cooler topics” with straight people sharing their hopes for two guys to fall in love or their distress if the couple breaks up.
In the US … <crickets>. Gay romance is still treated as a pariah, an uncomfortable subject that everyone hopes to successfully and quietly ignore.
And that’s what gay teens know. Be invisible. Hide your feelings. Shame is a fact of your life, so get used to it. “Love is love … but yours makes me somewhat queasy.”
Be bold and join us, even just once
I would ask you to watch a BL or two. Maybe share it with friends or family. Or at least recommend it, possibly sparking a moment of hope for a gay teen who might think “Maybe I’m okay after all if this friend/family member likes a series about guys like me.”
Is it too much to ask?
By the way, have you noticed that the LGBQT community on DK has almost entirely vanished? Yeah, unnoticed absence seems to be a recurring theme, doesn’t it?
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